City Livin'

Once again, I've heavily been denying this blog. Their are a few contributing reasons for this.

First, is a lack of creative motivation, but I'll get into that.

Update on things so far. I totally love this city. It's beautiful, and the small bit I have experienced of it tells me that my love for it will continue to grow. That being said, I'm fucking stressed. And lonely. I never actually knew the what the plague of not having sufficient amounts of cash felt like. I'm feeling it now. I got a job dish washing at this Asian place on Granville and it is awesome. Besides washing dishes, which is fucking dreadful work and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, everyone I work with are all very cool. And mostly Asian. I don't think I've touched on my fascination for Asian culture and how it intrigues me. Those of you who are frequent facebookers know enough, with my more than excessive linking of Korean and Japanese pop songs.

As for being lonely, well. I miss a few people. I think it's just the holidays. Everyone is back home with their families and it makes me miss being home, or what was home.

The immediate feelings I have with the money and the loneliness SEEMS to be worse than the stress I was dealing with back home with the girls and the drama, but when I deeply think about it, that is not the case. I am most definitely in a better state of mind here overall. Just gotta get my feet on solid ground, as it were, and things will become more comfortable.

I just noticed how scattered my thoughts seem here, but bear with me.

Onto my lack of creative motivation.

When I first conceived this whole idea of moving out of a small redneck town into a large city full of culture, I had a few ideas about how that would change me. Is assumptious a word? *EDIT When I did the spellcheck it said it's not. Rather than try to find some other joining term, I just deleted it. It should be a word. I thought that I would move down here, and start using my free time to tune my interests in more creative endeavors rather than simply enjoying them with my more than obsessive gaming addiction. I told myself I was going to, for lack of a better term, re-create who I was portraying myself as. Not to say I won't be exactly who I feel I should be, as I'm happy with myself as I am. I think I touch on this a few posts back.

ANYWAYS, that is simply not the case. I've finally realized what it means to say that where you come from doesn't make who you are. I still play games for about 8-10 hours a day. I still feebly attempt to write a song, learn to animate, write a creative piece, only to eventually give up and carry on gaming. Exactly how things were back in Invermere.

Which is another that seems to be bothering me as of late. I am doing almost EXACTLY THE SAME THING as I was doing before I moved, but making MUCH less money and being far more lonely. Notice how I'm using bolds and italics? THAT is the peak of my creative energy! So at times I'm feeling like this move wasn't something I wanted as much as I thought I did.

But then, there are the times when I know this is what I should have done. The first night me and Korri hung out. Ate strange Asian food and watched sailor moon. When me and Angela go downtown and end up drinking until 4 am and not remembering how we got home. When me and Shawny sipped wine and watched Love, Actually. These are things that I enjoyed back home but never really appreciated. Those moments that are so memorable, but if done too much too frequently become stale. And I feel like those moments here are always changing and always different. Burlesque in a lesbian bar one night. A night of pool in a sports bar the next. Moments such as these are why I love it here. I just need to promise myself that I won't over indulge too much. I need to learn how fleeting life can be. I think I need to go re-read Tom Wolfe's The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and get things in perspective a little more.

Wow. This post took a whole different direction then when I attended on when I started it.

I feel like I have more to say, but it's all too cluttered.

Also, I wish at times I wasn't so socially inept. Anyone who is close to me probably thinks this is a ludicrous statement. Something I will work on.

Oh, and I want G-dragon's hair. Or Cloud Strife from FF7. I wish I was an anime character.

Merry Christmas. And Happy New Years.

P.S. RIP to The Reverend, and my heart is out to the Canadian journalist who was killed in Afghan. The first since we went in 8 years ago.

Rent is paid.

Holy shit. 

2 days and I'm gone from here for who knows how long. I've been feeling nervous about it, but now I'm excited. I mean, I'm roomies with Angela. That is so random and awesome. Exactly what I need. Money is really troubling me though. All my plans didn't work out so I had to borrow rent money from my Dad. Not to mention what I need to actually get down there and survive for a month. And then their is January's rent. Not sure if I'm gonna be able to get a pay cheque quick enough to make it. All you guys must worry about this constantly.  This is gonna be healthy for me.

Sadly, all my excitement and anticipation is drowned out by the fact that the rest of my life is a fucking disaster. I won't even get started on girls again. 2 more days and I'll be away from every single crazy bitch and every single beautiful girl I know and I won't have to ever deal with their nonsense. I can meet NEW ones and deal with THEIR nonsense. Awesome.

But really, my mom's in the hospital down in Oakland. I don't even know how I feel. She had a stroke, apparently can't speak and is not in very good condition. I'm worried, but at the same time maybe I'm in denial about the whole thing. Like I'm just assuming things will work out for the best. On top of that, if BC Medicare decides they don't want to help her, well, then she is really totally fucked. 

I don't know what to think anymore. The only thing I feel sure about is that this move is gonna be good. I have no idea if it is what I want right now, but it is gonna be good.

So I'm....happy?

I think so.

I am

going to toss myself into the city.

Here's to hoping all goes well.

Anticipation

Less than 2 weeks.

Holy god.

In a way, I can't be more excited. Getting out of here is the right thing to do, and whenever I question myself on this move I just remember that.  I need it.  I want it despite certain feelings I have about leaving. I'm really happy right now, which makes it a little tougher. I know I will be happy in Vancouver, but I also know their will be many lonely nights. Thankfully, I have a lot of friends down there and more seem to be going as the months roll on. I'm also find myself to be a fairly enjoyable person to be in the company of so meeting people won't be any sort of issue I'm sure.

Some stuff just bothers me. My grandparents are at an age where my time with them is running short. Having neglecting to spend time with them in the last few years is really hitting right now. What will I miss out on when I'm gone? What will everyone I know miss while I'm there? 

Besides all that though, this is gonna be fucking great. I'm made for the city. 

And Taylor tells me I'll be there just in time for Bass Hunter. Excited.

Fortunately, I am playing Warcraft again, which is my go to addiction when I'm upset or lonely. Some crazy shit has happened in the last few weeks, but hopping on vent and chatting with the guildies and all my old friends that are still going strong always alleviates the stress of my current problems. I can't begin to say how much I love that game. It is, in my opinion, the strongest representation of humanity. At it's finest. Even more than the "real world" because mostly everyone is themselves, depending on what you interpret that term as. It will get me through any rough times I have as it always does.

The city awaits...and I'm totally not ready. It will be grand.

P.S. 17january1956, who are you? Forgive me, but you commented on my California post and it's kept me curious ever since.

"Where will or can this world take me?"

I wrote that line 7 years ago in my book, while pondering downtown.

I feel no closer to an answer.

I can't decide if that is discouraging or not. I have decided so many times "I know what I want to do", and it changes every 6 months. I wanna design games. I wanna write. I wanna play music. I'm torn between so many things that I can't seem to focus on anything, and when I look back on how far I've come in any of those areas it seems like now where. Lately it's been writing but I haven't been able to force, or otherwise, any desire to write about any subject, topic, experiece, thought, or emotion that comes to me. And when I do, I lack the words to get it out in any compelling or interesting sentence. 

And it is SO GOD DAMN aggravating. I think that experience is what hinders me the most. Can't design games without studying and practicing game design. Can't get better at drums without studying and practicing music. Can't get good at writing without studying and practicing writing. Now that all seems all quite easy to fix. Simply, start doing that. So why can't I motivate myself? I think I might spend too much time indulging in all these areas I love so much. Although these things seem like they would healthy things to be addicted to that is just not the case. I might have written about this all before, but I'm realizing it burdening me more and more as time passes.

I guess I'll just wait until I'm all settled down in Vancouver to work on these things. Despite all my stress, I have a feeling my mind will be clear there. And being surrounded by some art and culture will be healthy for me. Being in California should do the trick, especially in this city, but where do I go? What do I go see? I know nothing of this city. And it costs money to get anywhere which I'm lacking. Vancouver should be better. I'll know people. I can drive.

Until then, I'm just gonna enjoy life as I can. Not think about the future beyond my move.

Least I'm writing these more. They help.

Goodnight

Don't drink and call the girl you don't want to find out your crushing on.

Obvious I know, but I'm not smart when I drink obviously.

Suffice it to say it resulted in me saying something noone was supposed to find out. Also smashing my iPhone which I gracefully discarded by throwing it 30 feet off of a balcony, and upsetting another girl I also cared for. 

Anyways, been meaning to blog for awhile. Still in this beautiful state. Not much has happened since my last entry. Too much drinking. I stripped for a bunch of girls on a stripper pole, all which is foolishly recorded on my video camera. It is also totally out of character for me, especially conscious of my body like I can be sometimes. Missed Owl City, which is very upsetting. I love them. Wen't surfing for the first time. Nothing too, too exciting.

But thier is something that I find almost as interesting as ruining things between me and one of my closest friends of the opposite gender.

Moving to Vancouver into a place with Angela.

Is this seriously happening? I don't think it has totally hit me yet, dropping everything I know and am used to. Going to a new city I've never even visited with no job lined up and a soon to be maxed out $5000 credit limit.

Sounds better everytime I think about it. It'll all kick in when I'm packing up, working my last two weeks at the best job ever, and practicing for the last time with the band. I got 3 weeks to get home, get a new iPhone, pack my stuff, decide whether I should risk driving down in the old Taurus, pay off my credit card, raise it's limit, pay rent by the 15th, enjoy my last karaoke night at the whitehouse, have one last night of cuddling and movies with the girls, have a going away party, go up to Twin Lakes and enjoy the forest, take a walk across Kinsmen beach, sip coffee with the girls, go into my awesome hot tub, play with Tucker. That's all I can think of at the moment, and dread all the things I've forgotting. It's gonna be great, and stressful.

Back to moving though. I've said tons of times that this was gonna happen, and it always falls through. I'm very determined to make it work this time. I can't think of many better people I would want to live with. Angela is such a good friend of mine, and has always been very good to me. Also nice to know I won't be alone. As much as I enjoy being by myself, it's always comforting to know someone is there if things get to be too much and I know she'll be able to help with that. And Korri of course, being close to her in itself is always a blessing. I don't need to explain to you guys how much she means to me.

So, can't wait for THAT.

On another note, my sexual energy is out of control. I'm not one to let sex take dominance over more compelling things in my brain, but it's all I can think about since I got here. I really really could use some sex. And not just a sexual release, which is easily solved. But just to have a nice strong connection with someone even for just a night. I'm not happy here, just feels like that is what I need. And really, this is California, it should be easy to get laid. Nope. Sure have met alot of cool people though.

Venting done......I feel much better.

Can't wait to be home at least for a short while.

This is what I have been waiting for.

I finally found the experience in California I was anticipating, and as much fun as my last few trips here were, I never had it until Friday night.

We started out the day with a plan to find a beach, see the ocean, and swim in it. 

Did we ever.

After taking the ferry across the Bay from Oakland, with it's beautiful views of the cargo yards and the famous Alcatraz, we slipped off the busy streets of Embarcadero down into the subway. Shortly after being warned by a friendly black worker that "If we put that 20 dollar bill in that machine you'll have so many quarters you'll be like Santa Claus with all that jingling!", we headed to the change machine and simply put some "dollar pieces?" in the turnstyle.

About 30 minutes later we get off at Ocean Beach. After sipping some latte's and enjoying some cigarettes we crossed the freeway and spotted a cute blonde surfer girl. Ian, the confident man he can be after a few drinks, went up and kindly asked her which way to the beach. She pointed over the hill and we started following her up into the sand.

My god the ocean beach is so fucking beautiful. I've seen the ocean, and been on it lots. But walking over that hill for the first time and seeing sand far as the eye can see in either direction, and the waves crashing on the water, put me at instant ease. Amazing.

We of course, explained we were from Canada and sparked instant interest in the surfer girl and her two friends. Her name was Brittany, and she introduced us to another Ian (Like one isn't enough! :P ) and for the life of me I can't remember the other girls name.

Anyways, we offered them some beers and chatted with them for while before changing and heading for the waters. God damn the water is fucking salty. Ian had told me it was bad, but christ. It tasted good though. New. Unfamilar. 

So not too bore you on the small details, I'll skip ahead.

To the beach party.

We showed up and every fire pit, all shaped like star fish, were occupied by young partiers. About 150 people spread across the beach every 15 feet, drinking and listening to music. We managed to talk some English school kids to let us join thiers. Note, bring some wood and you'll always be welcome. The bottle of jager helped too, of course. After meeting a whole diverse of strange  and beautiful people from all over the world all the young kids took off. Then things got really fun.

Thier was only about 5 of us, but we sat around that fire for hours, belting out Tom Petty and sharing drinks and stories. A feeling of isolation was heavy on us. A great feeling. We were the only fire in the world. It was so, god, damn, beautiful. 

Then the cops show up and go from pit to pit telling people to quiet down and start packing up. We slyly got them to let us stay and let the fire burn down.

Things then went from peaceful singing on a California beach, to a crazy wall to wall house party a few blocks up. A good hundred people packed into a small apartment right beside the muni station.  Damn being Canadian gets you attention. I spent at least an hour doing circles around the place, surrounded by attractive girls asking me about Canada. It was fairly overwhelming. Everyone was very accepting and friendly. Totally different than what I'm used to partying with a bunch of hicks around a bonfire. I never felt like I was being judged, although I'm sure it was thier. Just not as apparent.

And then, SUPRISE, cops show up again. Some belligerant fellow answered the door, angering the friendly policemen who were simply going to tell us to keep it down. They shut us down.

Well what the hell are a bunch of college surfer kids supposed to do at 2am when our party gets shut down?

All stagger onto the muni and go 5 blocks down to the next one of course! Numbers dwindled as we made our way there and it ended up just being a few of us sitting around chatting until the host decided she wanted to sleep.

We proceeded to walk home. This is where Ian (the new one) thought it might be a good idea to try to smash every god damn car window on the way to his house. At first it was simply trying to keep him cool enough not to get anyone else hostile. 

Until the car alarm went off. Fuck this is too much. We run about a block down and he continues his rampage. Luckily we made it back before any authorities could show up, where me and my bro would simply tell them....

"This fucking moron started following us on a rampage sir! Were just vacationing from Canada!"

Best night ever.

We woke up, thirsty with heavily swelled brains, and went for breakfast. My damn debit card didn't work thwe new Ian paid thankfully. After a cigarette and the realization that the clouds in the sky were telling us we should head back to Oakland, we hopped on the muni back to the ferry building.

That is what I have been waiting for. I wish I could explain it better.

Videos that are soon to on facebook will give you a better idea of some of the antics that ensued.

On another topic. I really do love writing, but am not very good at it. I need practice. Maybe hire a editor, hah. The schooling is helping but it's frustrating to write these. I enjoy telling stories but have no form, and my lack of exposure to literature and school have really drained my vocabulary and knowledge. I'm working at it.

Goodnight from my most beloved city, updates soon I hope.

The city seems close.

Once again, I've been neglecting to blog.

It's strange. I get very contemplative when I'm hungover. After a insane night of partying at the bar, staying up will 6 and getting to work 2 hours later, I want to blog more than anything. So much stuff comes to me that I just wanna get out but by the time I get home I lose the motivation. Probably a result of the alcohol that puts me in that state but I find it interesting.

So I was gonna try to put in all the stuff I've been thinking about the last few weeks, but I think I'll go in a different direction. And to lead in I will tell you about my phone call with Angela last night.

It was my day off today so last night I stayed up fairly late. I spent the night running various games and getting the most out of my rig. I then lied down and started watching House as I do every night before sleep. After about one episode it's about 2AM and my phone dings at me. "

"Who could this be?"

Angela.

"You still up?"

I lightly giggled. Oh here we go, drunk texting.

"Sure am, what's up?" I replied.

My phone then rang and sure enough, it was Angela, at a bar. She seemed fairly sober. She told me she was feeling lonely and wanted someone to talk to. I felt kinda flattered actually. Nice to know people so far away think about me at times like these. To sum things up, we had a very lengthy discussion about a large variety of things. Me moving down there, girls, boy and whatever came to mind. It was a very open conversation. They are my favourite although rare it seems.

Anyways, that was great. It made my night. But one of the questions she asked me was about how Native Americans or Indians are represented in videogames. She was doing something with her class about media and blah blah, whatever.  I was kinda taken by suprise by it though. This is what fascinates the most about videogames. The culture behind it, how the companies approach marketing their craft, ect. I had never thought about this one. I told her that I didn't think they were underrepresented in any way.

Apparently, I was wrong. This is the beginning of a series of entries I will be writing analyzing games and their impact on culture and economics. Things such as violence in videogames, sex in videogames and how woman are portrayed in them (This one I find VERY interesting).

Here's to you Angela.

Despite what I thought,  Native Americans are very under-represented in videogames. Back in the 1980's, there was almost virtually no indigenious characters in videogames. Things were a lot different back then as they were not in many other veins of popular culture. Besides the oh so familar Mario Bro's, this wasn't a huge trend. Their was one game in the 80's, Custer's Revenge, that features the apparent rape of a Native American girl. It sparked a lot of controversy from woman's rights groups and Native American activists.

In the 1990's, we had one of the first games to have a centralized Native American hero character. "Turok: Dinosaur Hunter" was released for the Nintendo 64 in 1997.  The gameplay itself was highly praised and was a huge selling title on the platform, but it also held all the stereotypes we usually give to Native Americans, feathers, mystic powers, ect. I can't really decide if that should be considered bad or not, as that IS a very important part of their culture as far as I understand. Their was also some other Native American characters in games but they still were not very dominant.

Between 2000 and 2005, the Native American presence in videogames had completely dwindled. But in 2006, we had a new game coming out with a Native American hero.

It was titled "Prey". Prey is a First Person Shooter revolving around a Cherokee hero. The game begins on a reservation in Oklahoma at a casino (okay, THAT's a stereotype). The game then jumps into a sci-fi alien story that is very compelling from what I have heard. I haven't played the game for more than an hour.lIt seems to, on the most part, fairly represent the Native American culture. A few stereotypes might include the use of a bow and arrow, and a spirit form where you exit your body. From what I remember, these were both used as very defining gameplay elements and weren't simply tacked on to support the native theme. Two voice actors, the main lead and another supporting role, are both Plains Cree and felt like 3D realms did a great job of representing the culture.

Other than what I've posted, their have not been many more titles to truly represent Native American's as a culture. Not sure what the reasons are behind this, but game companies DO know what sells and what doesn't. I will be keeping an eye out from now on in the games I play to take notice of Native American characters and how they are portrayed.

So thank you Angela, you've got interested into an area of the videogame culture I may never have looked into, and I hope I helped you be little more informed yourself.

*Many of the information here was derived from THIS ARTICLE.

This post will probably be one of the first entries into my new blog I'll be doing, focused solely on videogames. Next I'll be writing about how woman are potrayed in videogames possibly coupled with sex. 

That felt....good. Stay tuned.

20

I really want to write.

Why is it so hard to do it?

What should I write about?

Fiction?

Poems?

I have very little motivation.

Meh.

Two post's in what? Three days?

Wow, I'm actually writing a post within a week of my last one. Something must be up.

Had a great night last night. Went to my friends house and got pretty damn inebriated. It was supposed to be the peak night for the meteor shower, so we all went to the skatepark and lied in the bowl. We only saw a few shooting stars but it was a very nice experience.

There was some drama as usual. My buddies girlfriend and my other buddy were hitting on eachother all night, so there was quite a few times where I thought fists were gonna start flying. It never happened though, thankfully. We will see how that turns out. Ryan actually got off his pot-smoking ass and came out to chill for once. I really miss hanging out with him. Him and Olivia need to just get back together like they always do so things can go back to normal. He said he's finally getting sick of smoking pot all the time. I was kinda suprised since my phase of getting stoned all the time went on for a few years. As bad as it sounds, I hope he comes out and starts drinking with us again.

I talked to the girl on the phone Tuesday night I think it was. I got suprised. I told her about me going to California about 2 weeks after her getting back from Edmonton, and she was really upset. I honestly didn't think she would get as upset as she did. It was....partially comforting. And then we got into me moving down to Vancouver in October, and she got even more upset. She wants me to stay, but I don't think she realizes that our situation is at the point that I don't think it could EVER work. Well, maybe next year it could work. That's a long ways away.

I told her we would play it out and see what happens between us. She got all silent and non-talkative as young girls tend to do, which drives me fucking nuts. Considering how open and honest I am about everything, I hate getting a god damn silent treatment. Anyways, the conversation didn't go too well.

But enough of that. 

Extra Life. Sponser me. Seriously, 24 dollars. It's nothing, and it will help alot of kids.

GO HERE!

I've been reading all your blogs though. It makes me want to come down to the coast even more.

For now, that is all......

This is the title.

Things are....stressful.

I've found myself stuck in a large, tangling web of foolish personal and morale decisions. I made them to, well, feel happy. And at times, they succeed. But it hasn't lasted long and the small doses I'm getting aren't quite cutting it.

Remember the girl I mentioned in the last post? The one that I said relations with would swiftly fall apart? Well they, despite our best efforts, most certainly have. I am being judged by a vast number of people, mainly from the concern of parents.

Understandable. With the reputation I have in this town I am far from suprised. I suppose if I was what they think I am, I would be concerned for my daughter too. But really? I think I am probably one of the more responsible and good natured people a person could hang out with. Yes, I do drink alot. Way too much. But I'm working on it. And having a love interest sure helps it alot easier not to fall back into it. Is my household really so tarnished that people think thier children or friends are unsafe here? That's why I welcome these people into my home. Kids WILL drink. Whether or not they have somewhere to go or not isn't going to change that. I know only too well what happens when you are having too much fun at a place much too dangerous.

So what do I do? 

Simple answer. 

Leave.

Sounds fairly cowardly maybe? Not at all. I'm too comfortable here. I'm so familar with this town. I feel sheltered. I keep grasping on to relationships, all very un-realistic, all in an effort to fell good for a bit. 

I'm such a sucker.

I need to go to a city, find a girl that doesn't require copius amounts of liquor to have fun. One that....well, I can just sit and game with, heh. Would be nice, but someone creative. Open-minded. More importantly......older. I've gone into this before, so I'll lay off a bit. Would just be nice to have someone to hold, to be honest with me, to appreciate.

I'm so damn conflicted and flustered I can't even enjoy the beautiful and engaging narratives of all the masterpiece games I play, which is saying something as that is where I usually feel the most content and inspired.

But on another note. I few things outside of my desire to leave this town and my constant female drama.

I still have been unable to commit to checking out all the other blogs of the people who I care about here. You guys are so damn great, so intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and really, I want to know what's going on in your lives. 

Also, California is happening. Well, that's the plan. September and I will on the beaches of San Francisco drinking daquari's (have I said that before?) and deciding if the waves are good enough for surfing.

I can't fucking wait. Having a face to face chat with my Mom will make me feel SO much better. Just being in the city makes me happy. Seeing what it's like away form this isolated town.

And Vancouver. I'm coming. Soon Soon Soon. Not quite quick enough, but I will be there. 

Back to gaming, Extra Life is only two months away! I'm excited!!! What could be better than helping support one of the best research hospitals in the world by simply playing games? Well, people sponsering me could be better, but I'm not concerned. It's not a competition. The site is gonna do great, but every little bit helps. It is very comforting knowing I will be a part of it. 

I'm not gonna put a huge plug for it in here, just go read my last post for some more info. But here's the link if you wanna donate.

https://waystogive.texaschildrens.org/netcommunity/ExtraLIfeSGFundraiser

Beyond (BEYOND!) that their isn't too much else to say. Things are getting shaky for me though. Treading on unsafe ground, that much is certain.

Will do my best to blog more.

Thank you SO much to the people who read this, and even if I don't comment, I'm coming to read yours right now. Promise!

Extra Life

Hello friends.

I guess I'm SLOWLY starting to do these a little more often than I have, and I'll try to keep it up.

Also, not sure if I mentioned this in my last post, but I have been neglectful in reading all of your fine blogs, which I'm also gonna work on. Ever since I got my new computer, it's been a little difficult to keep myself off the games.

So.

I'm not really gonna go into anything personal here. Band is....going. Girl situation is....awesome, although probable that it will lead to disaster. I am...happy. So that's that.

What I do want to mention is an event I'll be "taking part" in this October. It's put on by a website/social community called Sarcastic Gamer, and is a fundraiser to battle pediatric cancer. Gamers from all across the world will join together to game for a 24 hour marathon on October 17th at 8AM till the 18th at 8AM. 

Last year, after only a few months of planning, more than $120,000 was raised so I'm sure this year will be even greater. I pretty much just need to find 4 sponsers, willing to donate 1 dollar for every hour I game on this day. That's only 24 dollars per person. I'm pretty sure I can sponser myself which is good as I don't see anyone paying me to play games for 24 hours straight.

Anyways, for more info about where the money is going and what not you can go HERE. I know none of you reading this are hard core gamers, but maybe it will spark your interest in the event. You can also visit my site for participation at https://waystogive.texaschildrens.org/netcommunity/ExtraLIfeSGFundraiser

I think this is a great thing to do, especially in gaming culture. These are some of the steps that can bring gaming to be more "accepted" by mainstream media, instead of the only headline coverage being the sex scenes from Mass Effect or Grand Theft Auto. 

So yeah, if you read my posts around October time I'll update how much money has been raised and how I personally am doing in getting things together for it.

Until next time..........

Things are....okay.

Wow, I've been having such trouble keeping this updated.

I'm working on it. Busy busy busy.

First. What is better than Paramore + No Doubt? Nothing is what!! I went and saw No doubt on Wednesday night. Paramore and Bedouin Soundclash opened for them, and I must say, this is the best concert I have EVER seen. No Doubt put on the most fantastic show. I wish I could begin to describe all the awesomeness that was that show, but I'm not even going to attempt it. My advice to you.  Go see them if you get the chance. 

Hmmmm.....band? Well, we play at the Ride for CrisQo tommorrow evening, and I am fucking excited. Not only is it gonna be a good show, but it's a memorial for Richard, so of course will be a great event. Can't wait to see Nate and all the guys again and watch them skate it up.  I still have this feeling that music is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, but jamming and playing shows is one of the most amazing things I've experienced. Just making people happy with your music is a very enthralling thing.

Also, I may be starting a new blog sometime in the near future. One a lot less personal. It will focus on aspects of the game industry that fascinate me. Things such as immersion in games, sex and violence in games and how it affects people, censorship in games and of course the age old (Gaming is still young. ? ) "Are video games art?" debate, which I have touched on slightly in this blog. This stuff really intrigues me as a person. So keep an eye out for that if any of you may be interested. And even if you aren't, come critique my writing. That was a seg way.

Into.....what I actually DO wanna do with my life. Writing. I know I wanna write, but their are a few things that trouble me when deciding on whether or not this is the path I wanna take. First off, I haven't been to school in 5 fucking years. Haven't even finished COMM 11. I really think my vocabulary and knowledge of writing has really started to fade from my brain over the years. I'm gonna go back and do it all, and that is step 1, but it is very discouraging. So school is my plan. I wanna graduate with my at least English 12 and a Math 12. Physics would be preferred. And then, go to university for either Journalism or English. So that's my long away goal as of now. This new blog will be me practicing that. And considering I know nothing of actual writing style or professionalism, it won't be starting out good. Most likely, horrible. So even if your not into gaming I know a lot (a lot don't read this, hah) of you are taking writing courses so feel free to be down right cruel in the comments so I can maybe learn a thing or two until I get back into school. 

ANYWAYS, that's what is new with me.

Girl issues are still burdening me, which I will only say one thing about in this entry, as I'm trying to stop with the relationship venting.

I think it is very unfortunate that I have to base my decisions on what society deems as being appropriate.

Enough said.

I miss my mom, dearly.

I miss Korrina, I LOVE YOU!

And of course, Richard, you were a great friend to me, and will never be forgotten. Tommorrow, we celebrate your life, and all the amazing things you have brought into ours. And what better way than with a punk rock show and some competitive skateboarding, eh buddy?! I love you.

.................................out.

Ugh....

Hey guys.

So I bought a new car a few days ago. Or, my dad bought it for me, putting me even deeper in debt. Bought Ryan's old car (You know it well Meghan, :P). It's a damn good car for what I paid. Has taken me to cranbrook and back quite a few times now. Hopefully it lasts me awhile.

I'm in a seriously bad and yet creative mood at the moment. I feel like singing, writing some guitar. But considering I have never sang before let alone write a song, not sure how well it will go. Might not tackle that today.

Trying to think of things to blog about other than the girl I'm "involved" with but it's proving to be quite difficult, so here we are again.

I am seriously, seriously not putting myself in a good position with this whole thing. I'm totally addicted to going and seeing her, and I know it's just bad for me. This distance thing DOES NOT WORK, and I do not recommend it to anyone. No matter how hard I try to just enjoy things how they are, my time with her as it is, I can't help but constantly wish I was with here, and not being my usual happy self when I'm not. I just got payed today, and was about to spend my last 30 dollars to go see her. I got to Fairmont and had to come back. I know it was a smarter choice, but the decision kills me. Not only that but I promised her I would come. Not like she is mad, or she doesn't seem to be, which could mean anything I suppose. It would be so much more convenient if I could meet a girl like this in this town, but I have a feeling I wont meet a girl this amazing for a very long time. I've been without a steady girlfriend for way too damn long. I am sick of being single.

I'll survive.

Things are going fairly well other than that, as much as that says. Get my new computer in the next few weeks. I really really really do love my parents. They have been so damn good to me throughout the years. My dad has put up with so much shit with me in the last year and yet he still will help me do whatever it takes to make sure I'm okay. I miss my Mom though. I'm counting down the days when I can just sit on that balcony in California, overlooking the San Fran bay and just sip daquiri's and chat with her. It can't come soon enough. 

On another note, I wanna leave this fucking town. So bad. I love it here, and am really starting to love all the people I'm meeting and spending all my time with. But I need a city. I need San Fran. I need Vancouver. I need culture. I need music. I need a scene. I need change. I think I'm really gonna enjoy my summer here though. I'm also losing passion for the band. I don't have much desire anymore. It may be due to spending all my mental energy on this girl, but I just don't feel it. I wanna drum though, more than anything. I need my kit back from the jam space.

And most of all, I need Korri. I wish she was here. I need one of her hugs. I need her stories. I wanna hear all her adventures leaving to the city. I can't wait to see her this month (is it this month? I hope so). Soon. Soon. Soon.

Also. WTF is with that New Moon trailer. Bella and Edward seem to have that horribly portrayed connection that they had in Twilight. And as much as I loved the CG in Golden Compass those shitty ass "were-wolvcs" just didn't do it for me. I still will love it, and will find it amazing as I did Twilight, but really? Plus Taylor looks SO fucking dope, I think he can easily steal some of Rob's thunder.

Anyways, I LOVE YOU ALL, I LOVE THE WORLD, AND....FUCK!

And Korri, HURRY UP AND COME HUG ME PLEASE!!!

R.I.P. Roxy

Hey guys!

First of, let me apologize for my denial of my blog in the last few months. Not like I have a large fanbase that will petition against me for it or anything, more of an apology to myself for neglecting it.

Your in for a long one.

First off, I'm dropping my title format, as I find it is too much work to find random words that relate to the post and find definitions for them.

Second, this entry I dedicate to my car, my automotive love. My first true mode of vehicular transport that has brought me and many other people before me so many great times. I pass this onto you, like it isn't obvious at all, but I advise you to NOT EVER let anyone drive your car, especially while heavily inebriated(sp?). Smashed tail light, and although the attempt has been made to fix it, the great morale body that is our RCMP may not approve of the job. Nonetheless, I need a new car. So RIP to my car, who I shall call Roxy. You will always be my first love.

Now what have I been doing this whole time? Alot. And by alot, I mean alot of drama, alot of emotional fluxuations, alot of unwise decisions, and alot of great, great times. 

The band has been rolling along very smoothly. Played a show in Cranbrook a few weeks ago and it went very well. Not the biggest crowd, but those who came had enough energy to fuel the show. It was a great experience playing out of town, and hopefully it happens some more in the future.

Next, I believe I may be getting a reputation for hanging out with girls that I are deemed inappropriate ages to be hanging out with. This also includes sexual relations which may be frowned upon by some. I do not agree with out legal and morale system regarding these things (maybe I should), so I do not feel bad for any of the choices I've made. 

Girls a few years younger than me are MUCH MUCH more fun to hang around then anyone I know my age these days, and I see nothing wrong with that at all. Liquor also plays a part in these unwise decisions of course, but I carry no shame or regret for anything that I have done. In every case(almost), it has strengthened my friendship with this individuals, which leads me to my main reason for writing this entry.

Relationship problems.

So you may remember ( which you all should, cause I expect you to be religiously studying my old posts while waiting for a new one, hah) the girl I talked about in my last post. The one who I was heavily falling for? Well that's all back.

I saw her at the show, and it was amazing. We cuddled and talked, and once again I felt something so foreign to me. We hung out a few days later and it was so even more amazing, I can't even begin to describe it. Maybe it's been a while since I've been in a relationship, but I can't remember a time when I've felt so happy and attracted to someone, if I ever have been. We had a great night and everything went perfect. Then I had to leave. This is what is killing me. I don't think I was prepared for how much I would like this girl, and being away from her leaves me with this hole in my stomach I was not expecting to be so prominant. This all sounds very juvenile, as I've said before, but I can't help how it affects me. Not to mention this date we got alot closer. Alot more talking, alot more open talking. I have already mentioned in my post all the things that make this girl amazing to me. Her open-mindedness, her creativity, ect. But I have never felt so comfortable. To note, things have gotten to a slightly sexual point, which I won't get into detail, which may have contributed to how much closer I feel to her(not to say for a second this has much to do with sex, but un-avoidable). She has pushed my comfort level many times, and yet, not for a second do I feel akward. It's just...intense. She obviously has had different sexual experiences than me, and I am fascinated by it. Her candid way of thinking goes right over to her thoughts on sex. I really feel like it's helping me become more confident in myself just as a person.

So that sounds great and all, but no. I'm not sure if this distance thing will work. I think I could handle it, with difficulty mind you, but not sure what her take on it is. Things go well that night, then we start texting in the morning, and she seems quiet and dismissive. Maybe has something to do with mood, or IDK. I know she has other guys going on her life, and I'm not sure what to think of that. I don't feel like she should be commited to me in any sense, just wondering how that comes into things. 

I haven't had the best few days anyways. I wish this would just...work. I feel much better now, and until I see her again I'm just gonna indulge in the wonderous art that are my video games. 

I've also been cutting down on the drinking. I feel like getting slammed would help my mood, which it would, but I'm just so sick of it. Until my birthday next week, I'm just gonna take it easy, and keep it up after too. Feels nice to have a clear head.

Sooooooo, as it's all girls that read this. Any thoughts? I realize I am young and maybe shouldn't take this all so seriously, but hey, that's how we learn.

For now, I will leave you with this. I feel much lighter writing this, and expect alot more entries from me...hopefully.

"Don't let them say you ain't beautiful. They can all get fucked just stay true to you" Eminem - Beautiful.

Attraction

Attraction:

1. the act, power, or property of attracting.
2. attractive quality; magnetic charm; fascination; allurement; enticement: the subtle attraction of her strange personality. 
3. a person or thing that draws, attracts, allures, or entices: The main attraction was the after-dinner speaker. 
4. a characteristic or quality that provides pleasure; attractive feature: The chief attractions of the evening were the good drinks and witty conversation

Okay, so I deleted my last post from last night. Or, I drafted it for now. I wasn't thinking very clearly at the time. I do intend to post it, but maybe once this whole thing is over, and maybe do some editing on it.

Hopefully not TOO many people read it.

I can't believe how fucking crazy you can get over a person...a girl in this case. Going to sleep last night, I'm just thinking "What the fuck?". How could I get so worked up over a girl I just met, hung out with 3 times, and who is way too young to be expected to be mature enough to be reasonable. 

Since anyone who didn't get the chance to read that post, I'll break things down quickly.

Met a girl, hung out, shit got wierd. This girl is AMAZING, and almost everything I find attractive she possesses. Creativity, talent, a beautiful singing voice, a playful and candid personality, and she is so damn cute. 

So how can I explain my foolishness on crushing on a young girl and letting myself get worked up over it so much?

First theory is that I have too much faith in humanity to be as honest and open as me, which comes off as very selfish and arrogant I suppose. Someone so young, I should realize she is gonna be a handful emotionally and I gotta really watch what I do and say. But I open myself up so quick and willingly, that it takes nothing to get me really liking someone, and being honest with them. I am really not sure if girls find this attractive or not. All the girls I talk to seem to NOT be, even just the friends when were talking relationships. I think I should maybe be more careful as to who I open my emotions to.  But do I really want a girl who isn't gonna be open and honest with me? Someone who wont play fucking games? Someone who tell me exactly how she feels? Maybe it takes time to get to that point, and isn't something that just happens, but it should be.

Second Theory. Maybe the reason I fall for girls so easily is because I haven't felt that kind of love and companionship in so long, I'm willing to forget the things that I find most important in a girl just for that sense. Holding her in my arms, and gently kissing her made all the problems fade for that moment. The whole time with her was like a series of blissful moments that maybe think of nothing else. Maybe that had something to do with the attraction for her. Haha, tempted to make a drug/twilight reference here, but I will hold back. I'm sure I just gave it away anyways.

So blah...I feel alot better, coming to the realization that I think I am beyond, and more mature than this. It IS how I feel. I really DO like this girl, but then again, I've always believed you shouldn't be doing something unless it makes you totally happy, no matter what the cost. As of right now, it IS really good sometimes, but not sure if it's something I can keep up. Until I figure that out the old post shall stay in the vault of blogs. Not long and you can hear all the details about the dates and what not. 

Okay not sure if this is coming out any clearer than my last one, but it feels good writing it.

I've learned so much about myself these past two months with girls, I can be nothing but thankful to them.

Quoting my FB status here as I think it's hilarious. Check out the video on my profile if your bored. :)

"Pornography warps children's minds, leading them to believe that sex is fun, rather than shameful and embarrasing" -A video from "The Onion"

Change

Change:

1. to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one's name; to change one's opinion; to change the course of history.

2. to transform or convert (usually fol. by into): The witch changed the prince into a toad. 

3. to substitute another or others for; exchange for something else, usually of the same kind: She changed her shoes when she got home from the office. 
4. to give and take reciprocally; interchange: to change places with someone. 
5. to transfer from one (conveyance) to another: You'll have to change planes in Chicago. 

6. to give or get smaller money in exchange for: to change a five-dollar bill.

OH MY GOD, I am moving to Vancouver! Like...ACTUALLY doing it after so many years of talking about it. I'm SO damn excited, and nervous, and scared, and curious. It's a great feeling. Korri gave me an e-mail to someone she knows who is looking for a roomate and I e-mailed her and she sent me a pic of the house and some more info( See above!). I LOVE IT! It looks very used, and "homely". Exactly what I was looking for. It's really close to downtown and science world.

SO...May 9th and I am GONE! I'm gonna load up my car with all my essentials, and start driving. I'm gonna leave about 3AM so I get to Van at about 1 or so, assuming my car doesn't explode or something.

Honestly, I'm not really gonna miss many people here. Maybe it will kick in closer to when I leave. I mean, I will miss my dad and my brother more than anything, but friend-wise, I don't feel like I have any real CLOSE friends. I'm gonna miss Ryan the most I think, and Olivia too. That guy is one of the nicest guys I know and all the good times have been with him pretty much. But all my lovely, brilliant high-school friends that I grew with are in Van or the island, so I don't think I will feel lonely at all.

Anyways, still more than a month to go, so I'll keep you guy posted on how things are going, and to those who are in Van reading this, I will see you soon!!! :P

"Everything in Moderation, even World of Warcraft" Blizzard tip on the WoW loading screen,( Random I know, I'm outta ideas.")

Creativity

Creativity:

1. the state or quality of being creative.
2. the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination: the need for creativity in modern industry; creativity in the performing arts. 
3. the process by which one utilizes creative ability: Extensive reading stimulated his creativity.

So the show at the Whitehouse went well.

Until the cops showed up.

Was a good set, people were loving it. Busted out my best drum solo yet. But apparently, as rumor has it, that some kid called his dad( a cop), and said he was out partying at the Whitehouse with his friends. Great plan, man. Anyways, they came and ID'ed everyone, shut the bar down, blah blah. I guess they got a 25,000 dollar fine or something. They aren't shut down for good at least. I grew up in that bar, hah. So all the minors and I took the slightly long trek up to my house, which was an event in itself. Very fun. We then partied at my house ALL night. I didn't go to bed till about 6 in the morning, apparently slept with Krissta, as having a friend sleep in your bed automatically implies sex was involved, which was not the case. Woke up about an hour later and had a very hazy day at work. Amazing how fast word travels. I got to work and the whole place was talking about what happened. I think I've been pin-pointed as the cause of the whole ordeal. They seem to think it's my responsibility to not have my friends, and the bands friends and thier friends, to not come to our shows. Last time I checked it was the bar staff that are supposed to be keeping the minors out. 

So that was all good fun.

I think I feel I'm at the point where I could part ways with the band if I were to move. I was heavily considering it, but I realized I have WAY to much going on this summer to pull it off. I have a Paramore/No Doubt concert to go to, about 3 days from Comic-Con in San Diego, where I will be staying for at least 7 days. Plus the skate competition here the weekend after. Considering the debt I'm in, I don't see moving being a very realistic option at the moment. End of summer though, no matter what happens, I will be out of this town.

On a slightly related note, I've been second guessing myself alot on where my true passion lies. I honestly think it may lie in game design. I've been listening to alot of the soundtracks from all my SNES games. Namely Secret of Mana and Chrono Trigger, both from 1995 and still considered two of the greatest RPG's of all time, if not greatest games. 

Yay! Time for my rant on videogames. Been a long time coming. So I was watching some video's on IGN.com ( a popular review website of games). They did a special article on the top 100 game developers, and they had some video's of people asking some of them questions. One was asking the great question of "Are videogames art?."

"Art is not a self-defining business" One dev said. They make some very interesting points on that. Video games are still a very young medium. Yet they are the largest and most profitable entertainment medium around. They mention that people who play the games obviously consider them an art form.  But people who don't still see them as a toy, as something for children that rots your brain, blah blah. They are to me, the most complex and creative forms of expression. They are a mix of everything people love. Writing, animation, drawing, music, acting. Not to mention things like level design and gameplay.

How could someone deny that as art? I mean, of course negative things can revolve around it, just like anything. I want to be a part of that. I want to be involved in making that game that will bring a tear to your eye, make you scream in suspense, make you laugh your ass of with your friends. You can feel so much more invloved when playing games. You take a beautiful peice of art, and you make your experience your own, everytime. Just like you could listen to song and have it mean a whole different thing one time then another. Even more so with games, as the actual experience can be different everytime. Take different paths, good vs bad, ect. It is genius, and I really wish I could put it into words how beautiful and memorable they are in my life. No doubt, I've abused my love for it with some of them, appreciating them to the point of boredom and seclusion from my friends, which actually benefitted me in the end( something me and a friend talked about the other day that I was gonna get into here but may save it). But when you play something like the above mentioned games and take it all in. The romance, the betrayal, the sounds, the hidden things. When you hear that one song that will always stay with you, and every time will give you a unique feeling that you don't associate with anything else.

That is art to me.

SO....I really need to get my ass back to school. The video game industry is one of the hardest to get into. It's becoming alot easier with the concept of free gaming on the internet, and services such as Xbox live arcade, but you need a really unique idea. Something that has never been done before, or greatly improve upon an idea and make it your own. I'm at a late start. Having an education greatly helps your chances, although not nessicary. I also think going to an art school would be a great experience.

I'm gonna stop here as I may be boring someone. 

Also, I think I am gonna dread my hair. I have been thinking about doing it for a few years, but haven't had the motivation to go through with it. It seems like a whole journey in itself, as Skylar mentioned on her blog. I also feel it will better represent my personality and who I am. I don't think I have met anyone who has liked the idea of me getting dreads, but people's personal opinion of my looks are the last thing that concerns me. Thing is, I WANT THEM NOW. I don't think my damn hair is long enough, and when it's this length it grows SO damn slow. I guess I could deal with some short dreads for a while, so I don't know. I'm gonna look into it alot more, but it IS gonna happen soon. OH, and I am gonna couple these dreads and the whole experience with quitting smoking!!! I need to prepare for it heavily, as I enjoy smoking WAY to much, but this might help.

OFF TO BED for me though....I'm still lacking sleep from that party on Friday.

Sleep well everyone!

Quote today is from a note on Taylor Dakin's facebook, which just automatically stuck with me the moment I read it. 

"Thier is no future beyond the decision I am yet to make" Taylor Dakin

Fail

Fail:

1. to fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved: The experiment failed because of poor planning. 
2. to receive less than the passing grade or mark in an examination, class, or course of study: He failed in history. 
3. to be or become deficient or lacking; be insufficient or absent; fall short: Our supplies failed. 
4. to dwindle, pass, or die away: The flowers failed for lack of rain. 
5. to lose strength or vigor; become weak: His health failed after the operation. 
6. to become unable to meet or pay debts or business obligations; become insolvent or bankrupt.
7. (of a building member, structure, machine part, etc.) to break, bend, crush, or be otherwise destroyed or made useless because of an excessive load.
8. to stop functioning or operating

So the show was....unsuccessful. That's being fairly generous, as I think "a fucking disaster" is a more fitting description. It wasn't too bad that only about 16 tickets got sold so NOONE was there, but the sound...ugh. Everything was fine for sound check, we do our intro, and when we all kick in....nothing but screaming feedback. And then 20 mins of trying to get Mike's vocal mic working. This continued through-out the entire show. I mean, I always play like it's my last show, so I rocked out pretty hard, but yeah...from now on....bar shows only, and we do our own damn sound. Not saying it was really the sound guy's fault, things were just alot more complicated then they needed to be. Chaos thoery at it's finest. The other bands were....well. I really loved the The Rabid Whole. Loved everything about them. Bought thier CD and they are awesome. Met some of the band members and they were fairly nice, but for the most part, all the other band members seemed like quite the arrogant group of individuals. Very un-friendly. 

It WAS a very fun time though. We partied and had lots of fun moshing and listening to the other bands. Let's just say it not my WORST show ever. Maybe second worse though, IDK.

Oh right....spot for The Rabid Whole....http://www.myspace.com/therabidwhole

Check them out.

As for other things going on, I need a damn break from jamming. I need some personal time to work on my own creative projects. When spring break hits, Jon is off to Kelowna for a week, so that will be nice. I'm gonna start tracking beats with my Roland kit. Me and Lucas have been talking about doing some collab work. I've never "met" the guy (more or less introduced through Skylar via facebook, hah) but he seems really down for laying some guitar over my beats. I like his style from what I have heard, and he seems to enjoy mine. It will be nice to have a change for a bit. Something seperate and a little more personal writing-wise. I like the idea of a side-project from Infected (or "I partied with a pornstar", not sure if were keeping that or not".

Anyways, I am feeling a little nostalgic today and may delve into some Secret of Mana for the SNES to bring back lovely memories of my childhood( and it's also one of my FAVE games of all time, despite how technology has leapt since then).

Also hoping that my trip to Vancouver all works out, cause I need some cuty time BADLY. Korri time too...always makes me feel better. Quote today from....hhhhmmm.

"Self doubt and ego always a knife at the throat of success" -A grade 8 me

Projection

Project:

18. to extend or protrude beyond something else.
19. to use one's voice forcefully enough to be heard at a distance, as in a theater.
20. to produce a clear impression of one's thoughts, personality, role, etc., in an audience; communicate clearly and forcefully.
21. Psychology. to ascribe one's own feelings, thoughts, or attitudes to others.

Thank god a few days off work. I'm so damn sick and tired of being...sick and tired it's killing me. I need some serious sleep and relaxation. 

A little bit of what's going on at the moment.  Our show on Saturday is back on, as it was thought cancelled. But of course, Stephanie wouldn't let this happen and is fighting with everything she can to make sure it works out good. Anyways, I'm damn excited. I can only hope we will get a better turn out than previous attempts so we shall see. She says we need to secure music equipment for LSD. Apparently they need a whole 16 channel board and a full front end. You would think that a band that is on tour would have this stuff. I mean, we don't have the best equipment but enough to play this show and have it sound amazing. Not only that but she is expected to pay for it if they need a rental. Oh well, not outta my pocket. Cover is gonna be 10 dollars. I honestly think we would get a larger turnout with 5. I realize we have to pay LSD and all, but people in this town are honestly too cheap to come to a show for 10 bucks. They would rather buy a pack of smokes or get some beer. It's a little sad. Like damn, I would pay 10 bucks to go see ANY band at ANY venue. Better then sitting at home doing nothing on a Saturday night. 

Other than that, not much else going on. I really want to pick up a old record player from the pawn shop next time I go to cranbrook. Me and my bro have an un-opened vinyl of Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon". I plan to listen to the whole thing and possibly try to do some writing, as I haven't written creatively in years. Or maybe try and do some projecting. It's usually better to AP in silence, but I feel Floyd would be perfect for easing my mind for it. 

What else? I think I burnt out the windshield wiper motor in my car. Darn. It was raining when I got off work( YAY! Spring time) and I had to wipe off the window with my hoody. Thank fully it stopped shortly after or it would have been a tricky ride home.

Anyways, I might try to get some sleep before we go print off posters and spread them around for the show. Maybe put up a post later....I'm lost for quotes today though....hhhhmmmm.

This is from a picture Rio drew way back in the day in my book.

"One needn't think to comprehend the greatest powers of creativy"- Rio ( I think)

Dream

Dream:

1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.
2. the sleeping state in which this occurs.
3. an object seen in a dream.
4. an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake.
5. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.
6. an aspiration; goal; aim: A trip to Europe is his dream. 
7. a wild or vain fancy.
8. something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence

Right...so...had a strange dream last night. Nothing too crazy or enlightening but sufficiently random. I honestly don't know how Taylor finds her self into my dreams all the time. I never see her and very rarely think about her on a daily basis. It's strange, I feel like I should have taken the chance to date her when the opportunity arose. Despite only being "together" for only a few short weeks, we just seemed to, I dunno....work.  I was always happy spending time with her. Our arguements were never screaming matches, usually they were very calm and honest, and about our partners we both had at the time, so nothing too serious. Anyways, she a strong girl and I'll never forget the short time we were hanging out.

Anyways, I remember being in a small little insurance office, that was like...run down and old. I recognized the worker as some native that I don't specifically know but I have seen him around town. Odd he found his way in there too. He said something about how it was really slow and offered us some drinks. Next thing I know were out back in a cheap wanna-be-playboy-mansion grotto and there were naked people everywhere, swimming and what not. Next thing I know it's me and Taylor making out, intensely. It was exactly how I remembered it, which was a plus. Something then interuppted us, which I don't remember, and then I woke up.

Not very interesting but it intrigued me for some reason so I figure I would write it down.

Now to the point of this post. So yesterday at work, I was deeply thinking more about how I lack the right sort of people in my life, as mentioned in previous posts. Also how I think I am ready to find a relationship that is fairly serious. Or maybe something casual that, if luck allows, will grow into something serious. Blah blah, was feeling lonely and lacking companionship and then I came to a realization. Or more of a thoery I suppose, as I could be totally wrong.

I think that reason that I have the group of friends like I do, may have something to do with the fact that how I present myself is not totally reflective of who I am as a person. I present myself as someone who loves anything mainstream, in love with pop music, hip-hop, videogames, hollywood, cars. I love the city and am in love with technology and where it's going. Now I never feel a moment where I am not being exactly who I am. Yet, there is so much that people don't see. My love for art, and history. The part of me that loves the forest, and nature. Dancing in the rain. How I could just listen to Jazz on vinyl for hours at a time. I feel like I have just come to supress that part of me out of habit and who I have surrounded myself with. It's still very much a part of me, and probably more who I am them anything. So now I have a problem. Do I change how I present myself in order to give people the right impression of who I am? I feel like I am already doing that, but yet, I'm unsatsfied with the people I hang around with now. What exactly is the reason I have the friends I do, and not more creative, mature, thought-provoking individuals? Maybe I am totally wrong here, but it's a pretty strong theory I think.

I also don't think I am practicing that part of me like I should be. I don't appreciate nature, or art, or music like I feel should. Maybe that would change how I go about things.

Honestly, I'm not sure, but this self-reflection has taught me quite alot about myself, and hopefully things change, as what is going on is boring the hell outta me.

SO....I was gonna go into some things that were actually going on right now, the band, a possible trip to Vancouver at the end of the month, but I'll leave it at this for now. I leave you with a verse from one of my favorite rap/rock groups, Rehab.

"You know, they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned 
So vengeful and mother earth has been done wrong 
And I think she's sick 
Yo, she's pukin up lava 
Her nerves tremble along fault lines ready to drop an entire city of filth 
that's been forced upon her 
We built these towers of Babel and feel remorse for nada 
The momma divorce the father 
The children are droppin blotter 
The rich get richer, poverty's hot under the collar 
Takin prayer outta schools and we're tryin to raise scholars 
Creationism vs. the theory of evolution 
Air, water, land, mind, body and soul pollution 
Kids steppin on land mines from wars we're all losin 
We're chasin false idols, erasing from our bibles the golden rule 
the youth are becoming more suicidal 
Who teaches them, you and I do 
No wonder they want to fight you 
Raised by hypocrites, you feel lied to." Graffiti the World   -Rehab

Passion

Passion:

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3. strong sexual desire; lust.
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.

Wow, I've been neglecting to blog lately. I just don't seem like I have the time. I'll recount some of the things that have been happening since my last one to the strange emotional state I am in now.

Let's see, I can FINALLY fucking drive again, thank god. It's been so long, and I'm so happy to be doing it again. Cruising around in the Maz is such a good feeling, and really makes me feel alot more free, and opens up alot of options for me, but it's pretty much become normal already, and expensive of course.

Went to Cranbrook with it a few days ago. Suffice it to say, it was a crazy ass night. Alot of partying, and dumb shit that I don't quite regret but should not have done. Went through about 500 bucks that night, lost our damage deposit on our room. I honestly don't know if I'm happy or upset about the whole thing. I had fun though, so that's all that really matters.

Now onto how I'm feeling now. I've been thinking about blogging this ALL day at work. I don't know, I feel like I have no passion to motivate me these days. Like, I have the band and all, and it's great, but it feels like I would be alot happier in a different situation. I mean, I'm content, and have lots of good stuff going on, but I could be alot more satisfied.  I need to be in a city, working at a music shop or a LAN cafe, going to school. Something to keep me going. Something DIFFERENT. This town is really starting to bring me down. It's too safe, too comfortable. And the people. This brings me back to my first post. It is getting honestly to the point where I feel like I am losing my creativity. I have no outlets for educated discussion. I think I need to start writing again, being more involved with art, beyond music. All the people I know are so caught up in thier lives and everyone else's lives they don't appreciate things. Don't see beauty where they should. All just gossip and parties. I feel like I have no genuine friends. I mean, I know I have endless people that I feel care about me greatly, but noone I can confide in, or talk seriously or creatively with. I know quite a few people but they are all moved on from here, or not people I can just see all the time. I need people I can share things with, sit and enjoy silence with. People open-minded, intelligent, artistic. I really am lacking these types of people at this point, and I feel this town is not helping me at all. Part of me wants to just say fuck it all and move somewhere, California, or Vancouver.  Somewhere where there are people out there I can relate to. There should be someone in my life I could have a face to face conversation about all this with, but they just aren't available. All in time. But I feel held here, mainly by the band. I am so happy playing with them that I don't think I could give it up though. 

But yeah, so I think, on my day off, I am gonna go to open doors and start on my schooling. Having a vehicle leaves me no excuse not to do this now. And I need to go for a hike, like...badly. The forest eases me more than anything, and I don't take that for granted nearly like I should. 

Anyways, I could say tons more but I'll leave it for another day. Quite the depressing post, but it was necessary. I feel much better just putting it out there. I'm not even upset, I'm damn happy about life, but something is missing that I feel I should have. It will come to me.

Until next time, I love you all who read this, as I'm sure you know! I leave you with....hhhmmm...Paramore.

"It takes aquired minds, to taste this wine. You can't down it with your eyes, so we don't need the headlines, we just want the airwaves back" -Born for this   Paramore 

Love

LOVE:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like)

Yay for napping! 

I just woke up from a short nap, a thing I rarely ever can manage and I feel rested. It was quite the night. We had a little gathering for Korrina last night at Sam and Shawn's place. It was SO fun. They decorated the whole place with an underwater theme. Little cardboard lobsters, and blue tassles and baloons and the like. We ate veggie chips and everyone drank wine and played spoons. I'm really gonna miss her.

And then, BUD's! God damn the bar was wicked. Big John Bates was playing, and I have decided I want my next girlfriend to be a burlesque dancer. They were so AWESOME, and not just because they were fairly beautiful and had almost no clothes on. They had tons of energy and put on a really good show, as did the rest of the band. Watching that girl play the stand up bass was amazing. I danced so damn hard all night. I drank a good amount, but not too much. There was a little party down at Calgary beach afterwards where I met up with some random people I hadn't seen in a while.

Anyways, it was a fun night. Woke up for work feeling very groggy, but survived the day. It's valentine's day and I'm single of course. I'm not a huge fan of the holiday but there is love in the air. Everyone is in a generally loving mood on V Day, so it was okay.

Anyways, I'm lost for things to write about tonight, so HAPPY VALENTINES DAY to everyone. I LOVE YOU!

"Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage" -Ambrose Bierce

Infected

Infected:

1. To contaminate with a pathogenic microorganism or agent.
2. To communicate a pathogen or disease to.
3. To invade and produce infection in.
4. To contaminate or corrupt.
5. To affect in a contagious way.

So, just got back from jamming. Was pretty damn fun. We wrote another new tune and jammed out some of newer stuff.  Things are going pretty good. I wasn't feeling it at first. I'm kinda getting sick of these 4/4 progressive rythyms, but it may be my drumming. I haven't had a kit here for so long that I haven't been able to practice new fills and stuff. Feel's like I'm playing the equivalant of a Beatles CD. Ew.

Anyways, so me and a few buddies went out and had a fire last night. This beautiful spot about a 15 minute walk from my house along the beach. It's this little circle of tree's above the sand dunes overlooking the lake. I loved it. I can't wait for summer and camping and being out in nature. It's something that I am really missing. They were all drinking, and I was suprised at how easily I passed on it. It was even my day off, when I usually party the hardest. I never really thought I had a problem with drinking, but I was doing it so much that I could have misjudged. Nope, I have no problem forgetting about it. I feel SO much better these days.

Also reformatted my computer. TWICE. Could'nt get my god damn games running for some reason so did it again. I fucking HATE troubleshooting. Even worse is when I found out what the problem was. Fuck I'm dumb sometimes. You would think after about 100 times I would have remember the little things like that. Anyways, I'm good to go and have been fragging people all day. :)

What else interesting (not that any of that is very exciting). I think Ryan and Olivia are gonna come over and have a hot tub. I really do miss chilling with Ryan alot, but I know he's happy and I'm glad for him. Olivia too actually. I love them both. :)

But yeah, I've got a thing of oil boiling on the stove for my so very healthy poutine I'm cooking, so I should take my leave!

Good night readers!

Oh right! Quote! Nothing comes to mind...but....since I loathe alot of philosophy( A whole entry in iteself).

"Philosophy: A network of roads leading from nothing to nowhere" -Unknown

Sacred

Sacred

1. devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated.

2. entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.
3. pertaining to or connected with religion (opposed to secular or profane ): sacred music; sacred books. 
4. reverently dedicated to some person, purpose, or object: a morning hour sacred to study. 
5. regarded with reverence: the sacred memory of a dead hero. 

6. secured against violation, infringement, etc., as by reverence or sense of right: sacred oaths; sacred rights.

7. properly immune from violence, interference, etc., as a person or office

So I had a pretty fun night last night. Went out to the bar to play a pool tournament. I totally cleaned everyone out. Made about 40 bucks, which is almost what I spent on drinks. I turned around and bought more beer with it sadly. I was pretty drunk by the time I left, and honestly did not enjoy it like I usually do. After being sober and having such a clear head it just seems like a waste of time now. I'm glad I'm feeling like that.

Went to Kelsey's after and watched a movie, some clever chick flick that I don't even remember. It was nice to lie with her without her boyfriend around...they are broken up now. It was also a  bit strange. I didn't quite feel the comfort I usually do when lying with her, which kinda sucks. I was probably being little too friendly thanks to to booze, so that may have had something to do with it. It's hard to hold back when we went out for so long and I can feel so secure with her. Nonetheless it was a really fun night.

Woke up this morning and took Tay up town and had coffee at Gerry's. I really do love her baby. I never really liked the idea of having kids until I spent some time with Daws. He is just sooo cute and playing with him is really fun. I'm sure it's a lot more stressful actually looking after him all the time, but I can't wait till the day I'm ready for that. I want a little girl though, more than anything. I would honestly be pretty upset if it was a boy, but oh well. We'll see one day.

I just got home and feel pretty lost on what to do. This always happens on my day off. Usually I find something productive to do, but with all the emotions going on with me, I haven't been able to motivate myself. I haven't cleaned my room in like, 3 weeks, and I am CRAZY about cleansliness. I think I'm gonna re format my computer though. I just got another moniter and for some reason hooking it up has totally fucked up my computer. I'm running in safe mode right now for facebook, but I want to do some gaming. I am dying to play some games. Ever since I upgraded to this new moniter, I can't even play WoW, which is upsetting. I miss all my friends online. We have been friends for so many years, it feels odd to go without speaking to them for months at a time. I could always just hook up my mic and hop on vent, but it's kind of just not the same when your not playing. I miss videogames in general, as my passion for music is equalled only by my love of videogames. Like I said, somewhere, videogames are the most interactive and inspiring art form for me. Most critics say that GTA 4 was one of the best movies of the summer. Haha, I found that interesting. I'm glad they are actually getting appreciated like they should, as an art, and not just something for entertainment. If you can, and do play, go download "American Magee's ALICE". A grim take on Alice in Wonderland. So amazing.

Anyways, enough about that.  Saw the girl today, said Hi and she totally ignored me. It was satisfying. She texted me last night and tried to turn everything around on me, which is where I usually back down and cave, but nope. Texted back a few times and then just ignored them. My night was going too good. Sucks that I had to lose a good friend through this all. I told her a million times I would still be a friend to her, and that I supported anything she did. Oh well, what can you do? 

I'm gonna go reformat my computer, and hopefully clean this room. I shall leave you with some Shakespeare.

"O Pardon me, thou bleeding peice of earth, that I am meek and gentle with these butchers!" -Shakespeare "Julius Caesar"

Tainted

Tainted:

To affect with or as if with a disease.

To affect with decay or putrefaction; spoil. See Synonyms at contaminate.

To corrupt morally.

To affect with a tinge of something reprehensible

Well, I've been thinking about doing this post all day. It's really nice to look forward to doing this. All I could think about at work was what I was gonna put on here. 

Speaking of work, I really do love my job. As much as a dread waking up every morning, when I get to work I enjoy it. I listen to music for at least 6 hours a day. And I mean really listen to it, break it down, enjoy every note. I'm starting to get sick of my tunes though, I need to get some more on my iPod.

Ummm, so I'm feeling lonely still. There's still just a little bit of pain when I think about the girl in the previous entry, but relief washes over me and totally outdoes the sadness, so I'm glad. Also haven't been drinking at all, so my head feels so clear after two months of girl drama and getting hammered WAY to often.

So, I figured I should give some honorable mentions to some people who have helped me out through this shit, and are the reason I'm not a wreck.

First off, Nikki Newlove. Noone here will know her but I will elaborate a bit on our friendship. We have never met in person. We met on World of Warcraft about 5 or 6 years ago shortly after I started my 2 year solitude/WoW binge. Of course it was all talk about the game until we talked more. We eventually got into talking about personal things, friendly flirting, ect. Now we chat on MSN all the time, and I consider her one of my most trusted friends. It's good to have someone who doesn't know anything about your life, and is willing to listen to all your problems and sound genuinely interested. And she tells me all hers. Any girl troubles I have, I know she will give me an honest answer and she has helped me through sooo much crap and sad times. Not to mention she is pretty much my dream girl. She plays WoW for one thing, rips it up on guitar, introduced me to Bullet for my Valentine (now one of my favorite bands) and also showed me Twilight. She is open-minded. supportive, and over all just a good honest person. I LOVE YOU FALL! :P

Next would be Bailey. Alot of people I know seem to have some personal fueds with her, and expect me to base my judgement of her on those facts, which I find very unfair. She has helped me more than anyone in the last two months, and also, we have never really spoken a word to eachother. No matter how much she disagree's with me, she has always supported my decisions, put up with my late night drunken calls, and all around been a true friend to me. It means alot, and I will always be a close friend to her. Thanks!

I also have to give a small mention to you Skylar (your the only one of the 3 here that will actually read this). Not that she has helped me with any of my personal problems so far, but having someone I can have an intelligent conversation with is a true blessing these days. It's rare that I can find someone like that, especially being so young. Someone I can tell my opinion, without worrying about being attacked, but simply just respecting what I have to say, and giving me hers. Also finding someone that seems so creative. Honestly your pieces are the highlight of my day. You are honestly a gem waiting to be discovered by the right group of people. I can see us being good friends in the future. 

Amazing that all these people I haven't spoken more than a word to face to face, but I feel have had a good or large impact on my life.

Now....KORRI! Omg I can't believe she is leaving me in 1 WEEK! It seems like it is coming way too fast.  She has been one or maybe THE closest friend of mine since grade 8, and I can't even begin to remember all the amazing times I have had with her. I feel like I should have spent ALOT more time with her in the last few years, but I know that things between us will never cease. She is my life-long friend. She is creative, open-minded, non-judgemental, has a wonderful taste in ANYTHING and is just a beautiful and amazing person. I AM GONNA MISS YOU SO MUCH! Now I have no reason to procrastinate going to the coast. We have lots of time and friendship ahead of us Korri, and I can't wait to see what you do with your life.  Anyways, I'm getting too sad, I just need to enjoy the last days your here!

Okay so enough about my love for people, which seems to just get larger by the minute (thankfully!), I am gonna end this with a series of quotes but first, a little tangent.

Christina Aguilera. Now please bear with me here as I'm sure that name turned most of you away. I listened to her record "Back to Basics" after a long while today, and I had almost forgot about how amazing it was, and how emotional it made me. I was almost brought to tears during "Mother".  It reminded me why I love music so much. That one song, or that one note that just puts an amazing or horrible or sad or angry feeling all throughout your body. Like that single guitar note after the bridge in "Killer Queen", or the solo for "Shine on you Crazy Diamond" by Floyd. It's one of the main reasons I play music. To make people feel like that. On a slightly different topic, it drives me fucking INSANE how critics are so hard on her for her showing off her body. When the "Dirty" video came out, everyone just accused her of selling her body and image. She fired her manager right before Stripped for trying to control her music career, and has stayed true to what she does the whole time. She believes in being secure with your body. Easy for her to say right? Being so toned, and having a very nice body.  But if you listen to the previous mentioned record, you'll understand how she feels about her whole career, and it astounds me the shit she took for it.

So before I end with some quotes by her, fromm her new record(quite a few actually, as I couldn't choose) please do me a huge favor.

Listen to this song by her. Bear through it if you hate her. And don't just listen, hear it. Crank it up, put the headphones on, forget facebook or finishing this blog. Just listen, read the lyrics. This is why I love music. This is why people love it. This is what drives me to listen, and to play, and to write and to share. This is also why I LOVE Christina so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V61_dDzOps

Anyways, I'll end with some quotes which hit me strongly on the record, mainy about empowering woman oddly enough. Once again, hope I didn't bore anyone, or make anyone uncomfortable with my honest words. To all those I didn't mention, I love you too! :P

"Why is a woman's sexuality
Always under so much scrutiny?
Why can't she do exactly as she please
Without being called a million things?" Still Dirrty (Back to Basics)

"There's some women out there who talk and stare
Who never seem to let down their hair
Like to past judgement, but they're just scared
And don't know what they're missing, so they better beware" Still Dirrty (Back to Basics)

"I pay no mind to the negative kind
cause it's just no way to be
i don't stop to please someone else you see
Gonna live my life for me" Here to Stay (Back to Basics)

First Entry - A Madness Shared by Two

Folie à Deux :A condition in which symptoms of a mental disorder, such as the same delusional beliefs or ideas, occur simultaneously in two individuals who share a close relationship or association.

So, this is my fist blog entry ever, as the title explains. Title taken from the new Fall Out Boy CD. I assume, from the song lyrics, that it is a reference to two people in love, but that is just speculation.

Of course, this blog won't have much about relationships in it, save this first post perhaps.

Anyways, so why have I decided to start a blog after so long of neglecting it? Well, at first I wasn't keen on blogging in general, for some unknown reason I can't remember. And secondly, because I didn't feel I was doing anything worthy of writing about. But after reading a few of my friends, it seems like an amazing way to let out anger, sadness, or whatever other thoughts that drift around in our brains.  But this seems like something that would be healthy for my peace of mind, and hey, maybe someone will enjoy reading it! 

So I'll most likely be starting these out with an update of what the band is doing, as that is my first priority in life at the moment, and has been greatly fufilling for me.

Things are going great with the band. After about 6 months of writing, we have shows lined up ALL summer. We played our first show at Copper City, and couldn't be happier. Packed the bar, free drinks, and got paid on top. So overall a success.  It looks like this is gonna keep up for a while, so I'm happy. I broke a cymbal during the first song, so I gotta find 300 bucks before our next gig, as it was a vital one. Other than that it's looking up, and I'll keep ya updated on show's.

So now to the relationship part, or lack thereof. It's amazing I have been holding on to this for so many months, when deep down I knew it wasn't healthy for me. I mean, after being single for so long,  loneliness takes the best of you and you will put up with alot of shit to feel some companionship. And the sex might have had something to do with it of course. But I think I've finally realized that I'm better off without this person, as she wasn't for me. I knew it the whole time too, and am suprised I let myself get so torn and hurt over it. Live and learn I suppose. I took alot from all the drama that happened during it all, and will never have regrets.  I believe strongly in never having regrets for anything. I have done some stupid things but I think something can be taken from each one.  I won't go into this too much, as I don't want to bore anyone about girls, but yeah, that's my love life at the moment.

Okay, so the person who actually inspired me to start writing this blog said something I have been thinking about for a long time now on one of her recent blogs. She talks about how noone wants to talk about anything that is at all interesting. Talks are mostly revolved around who is fucking who, who was fighting at the bar this weekend, or who got arrested for whatever. I find it very upsetting. I mean, I realize that in such a small town with no culture that I should'nt hope for much, it just suprises me.  Maybe I'm hanging out with the wrong people, who are mostly younger than me. It just seems that I was having more productives talks back in high school than I am now, as a 20 year old. I think I need to leave this town and go meet some people. She also mentions about people putting guards around themselves and how noone is willing to open up. I consider myself the most honest and open person I know, which is also upsetting. There are only a very few select people I feel I can be totally honest with and have them do the same back. People are SO afraid of being judged harshly, they will do anything to hide who they are. I suppose when your in a world with such high expectations that we are, it gets built into you. Oh well. I could keep going on about this for hours but once again, I don't want to bore you.

I'll stop here...there's alot more on my mind, but I don't want it to be too long and painful for anyone to bear through, if they do read it at all.

So yeah, thanks for reading, and I'll be updating at least once a day I'm sure, as I have alot going on.

And starting now, I'm gonna end each entry with a quote, probably from one of my many favorite musicians. It may or may not have something to do with the post, and in this case, it does.

"I'm just a notch in your bed post, but your just a line in a song" -Fall Out Boy