"Where will or can this world take me?"

I wrote that line 7 years ago in my book, while pondering downtown.

I feel no closer to an answer.

I can't decide if that is discouraging or not. I have decided so many times "I know what I want to do", and it changes every 6 months. I wanna design games. I wanna write. I wanna play music. I'm torn between so many things that I can't seem to focus on anything, and when I look back on how far I've come in any of those areas it seems like now where. Lately it's been writing but I haven't been able to force, or otherwise, any desire to write about any subject, topic, experiece, thought, or emotion that comes to me. And when I do, I lack the words to get it out in any compelling or interesting sentence. 

And it is SO GOD DAMN aggravating. I think that experience is what hinders me the most. Can't design games without studying and practicing game design. Can't get better at drums without studying and practicing music. Can't get good at writing without studying and practicing writing. Now that all seems all quite easy to fix. Simply, start doing that. So why can't I motivate myself? I think I might spend too much time indulging in all these areas I love so much. Although these things seem like they would healthy things to be addicted to that is just not the case. I might have written about this all before, but I'm realizing it burdening me more and more as time passes.

I guess I'll just wait until I'm all settled down in Vancouver to work on these things. Despite all my stress, I have a feeling my mind will be clear there. And being surrounded by some art and culture will be healthy for me. Being in California should do the trick, especially in this city, but where do I go? What do I go see? I know nothing of this city. And it costs money to get anywhere which I'm lacking. Vancouver should be better. I'll know people. I can drive.

Until then, I'm just gonna enjoy life as I can. Not think about the future beyond my move.

Least I'm writing these more. They help.

Goodnight

Don't drink and call the girl you don't want to find out your crushing on.

Obvious I know, but I'm not smart when I drink obviously.

Suffice it to say it resulted in me saying something noone was supposed to find out. Also smashing my iPhone which I gracefully discarded by throwing it 30 feet off of a balcony, and upsetting another girl I also cared for. 

Anyways, been meaning to blog for awhile. Still in this beautiful state. Not much has happened since my last entry. Too much drinking. I stripped for a bunch of girls on a stripper pole, all which is foolishly recorded on my video camera. It is also totally out of character for me, especially conscious of my body like I can be sometimes. Missed Owl City, which is very upsetting. I love them. Wen't surfing for the first time. Nothing too, too exciting.

But thier is something that I find almost as interesting as ruining things between me and one of my closest friends of the opposite gender.

Moving to Vancouver into a place with Angela.

Is this seriously happening? I don't think it has totally hit me yet, dropping everything I know and am used to. Going to a new city I've never even visited with no job lined up and a soon to be maxed out $5000 credit limit.

Sounds better everytime I think about it. It'll all kick in when I'm packing up, working my last two weeks at the best job ever, and practicing for the last time with the band. I got 3 weeks to get home, get a new iPhone, pack my stuff, decide whether I should risk driving down in the old Taurus, pay off my credit card, raise it's limit, pay rent by the 15th, enjoy my last karaoke night at the whitehouse, have one last night of cuddling and movies with the girls, have a going away party, go up to Twin Lakes and enjoy the forest, take a walk across Kinsmen beach, sip coffee with the girls, go into my awesome hot tub, play with Tucker. That's all I can think of at the moment, and dread all the things I've forgotting. It's gonna be great, and stressful.

Back to moving though. I've said tons of times that this was gonna happen, and it always falls through. I'm very determined to make it work this time. I can't think of many better people I would want to live with. Angela is such a good friend of mine, and has always been very good to me. Also nice to know I won't be alone. As much as I enjoy being by myself, it's always comforting to know someone is there if things get to be too much and I know she'll be able to help with that. And Korri of course, being close to her in itself is always a blessing. I don't need to explain to you guys how much she means to me.

So, can't wait for THAT.

On another note, my sexual energy is out of control. I'm not one to let sex take dominance over more compelling things in my brain, but it's all I can think about since I got here. I really really could use some sex. And not just a sexual release, which is easily solved. But just to have a nice strong connection with someone even for just a night. I'm not happy here, just feels like that is what I need. And really, this is California, it should be easy to get laid. Nope. Sure have met alot of cool people though.

Venting done......I feel much better.

Can't wait to be home at least for a short while.

This is what I have been waiting for.

I finally found the experience in California I was anticipating, and as much fun as my last few trips here were, I never had it until Friday night.

We started out the day with a plan to find a beach, see the ocean, and swim in it. 

Did we ever.

After taking the ferry across the Bay from Oakland, with it's beautiful views of the cargo yards and the famous Alcatraz, we slipped off the busy streets of Embarcadero down into the subway. Shortly after being warned by a friendly black worker that "If we put that 20 dollar bill in that machine you'll have so many quarters you'll be like Santa Claus with all that jingling!", we headed to the change machine and simply put some "dollar pieces?" in the turnstyle.

About 30 minutes later we get off at Ocean Beach. After sipping some latte's and enjoying some cigarettes we crossed the freeway and spotted a cute blonde surfer girl. Ian, the confident man he can be after a few drinks, went up and kindly asked her which way to the beach. She pointed over the hill and we started following her up into the sand.

My god the ocean beach is so fucking beautiful. I've seen the ocean, and been on it lots. But walking over that hill for the first time and seeing sand far as the eye can see in either direction, and the waves crashing on the water, put me at instant ease. Amazing.

We of course, explained we were from Canada and sparked instant interest in the surfer girl and her two friends. Her name was Brittany, and she introduced us to another Ian (Like one isn't enough! :P ) and for the life of me I can't remember the other girls name.

Anyways, we offered them some beers and chatted with them for while before changing and heading for the waters. God damn the water is fucking salty. Ian had told me it was bad, but christ. It tasted good though. New. Unfamilar. 

So not too bore you on the small details, I'll skip ahead.

To the beach party.

We showed up and every fire pit, all shaped like star fish, were occupied by young partiers. About 150 people spread across the beach every 15 feet, drinking and listening to music. We managed to talk some English school kids to let us join thiers. Note, bring some wood and you'll always be welcome. The bottle of jager helped too, of course. After meeting a whole diverse of strange  and beautiful people from all over the world all the young kids took off. Then things got really fun.

Thier was only about 5 of us, but we sat around that fire for hours, belting out Tom Petty and sharing drinks and stories. A feeling of isolation was heavy on us. A great feeling. We were the only fire in the world. It was so, god, damn, beautiful. 

Then the cops show up and go from pit to pit telling people to quiet down and start packing up. We slyly got them to let us stay and let the fire burn down.

Things then went from peaceful singing on a California beach, to a crazy wall to wall house party a few blocks up. A good hundred people packed into a small apartment right beside the muni station.  Damn being Canadian gets you attention. I spent at least an hour doing circles around the place, surrounded by attractive girls asking me about Canada. It was fairly overwhelming. Everyone was very accepting and friendly. Totally different than what I'm used to partying with a bunch of hicks around a bonfire. I never felt like I was being judged, although I'm sure it was thier. Just not as apparent.

And then, SUPRISE, cops show up again. Some belligerant fellow answered the door, angering the friendly policemen who were simply going to tell us to keep it down. They shut us down.

Well what the hell are a bunch of college surfer kids supposed to do at 2am when our party gets shut down?

All stagger onto the muni and go 5 blocks down to the next one of course! Numbers dwindled as we made our way there and it ended up just being a few of us sitting around chatting until the host decided she wanted to sleep.

We proceeded to walk home. This is where Ian (the new one) thought it might be a good idea to try to smash every god damn car window on the way to his house. At first it was simply trying to keep him cool enough not to get anyone else hostile. 

Until the car alarm went off. Fuck this is too much. We run about a block down and he continues his rampage. Luckily we made it back before any authorities could show up, where me and my bro would simply tell them....

"This fucking moron started following us on a rampage sir! Were just vacationing from Canada!"

Best night ever.

We woke up, thirsty with heavily swelled brains, and went for breakfast. My damn debit card didn't work thwe new Ian paid thankfully. After a cigarette and the realization that the clouds in the sky were telling us we should head back to Oakland, we hopped on the muni back to the ferry building.

That is what I have been waiting for. I wish I could explain it better.

Videos that are soon to on facebook will give you a better idea of some of the antics that ensued.

On another topic. I really do love writing, but am not very good at it. I need practice. Maybe hire a editor, hah. The schooling is helping but it's frustrating to write these. I enjoy telling stories but have no form, and my lack of exposure to literature and school have really drained my vocabulary and knowledge. I'm working at it.

Goodnight from my most beloved city, updates soon I hope.