Change of Heart

Okay, so I was going to take down my last post.  It comes off a fairly arrogant, and I am quite ignorant on such issues.  But, considering I've been using this blog for saying what's on my mind so far I am going to leave it up. For now.

I also might start a new one. Less personal. More about things and issues I'm curious about, but with a little more perspective and planning. My writing will also go there.

I can't remember the last time I put a piece of writing on here, or if I have even but I am going to right now.

This has been a draft for a good 2 weeks now. I kept adding to but stopped about a week ago. Every time I read it I like it more and more. Some of the sentences seem a bit rough though, so I'd like to go back and revise it a bit. Not sure how far I want to take it, but I like where it's going.

Also going to include, afterwards, the dream I had that inspired the piece. Korri mentioned on my FB that I should add on it more but I didn't feel like I should. That changed.

AND it comes to an abrupt halt because it was early morning when I write the last bit.

ENJOY

I woke up with Greed resting her head on my neck. She gently nudged me and whispered in my ear.

"What do you want most in the world?"

I didn't know how to answer.

"I'm not sure".

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Walking up the cement stairs out of my apartment and feeling the moisture on my skin is always a welcome "Hello". Rain rarely hits the ground in this place. So damn hot all the time. It's no wonder I found a room almost underground. Much cooler in there. I don't even know why this is crossing my mind right now. I should be asking myself how the hell I woke up from what I can only assume was a dream, or at least something I created. The details are fading every second. All I can clearly remember is her face. How amazing she was. The people, and the house. I can't recall what it all looked like. The conversations I had. It went all wrong though. Quickly.

I was headed to Mandolins for a coffee, something I usually do when I am thinking. Mandolins is a very calming place. A small coffee shop on the corner of my street. I sat down in one of the few chairs. They always have dangerously cute girls working here, who I always feebly attempt to flirt with, usually resulting in disappointment. Too much of artists these girls.

A few days carried on. I am supposed to be finding some sort of employment, although it is hardly necessary. I have enough money in my account to afford myself, along with a few others, a long lifetime of care free living. I always find it unfair that I should be given so much opportunity. All based on chance. Typical story. Born to rich parents. They were killed in an unsolved homicide. When I say unsolved, in no way do I mean that their was ever much of an investigation. I still haven't found out what they did or why they seemed to be victims of such distaste by, well, everyone. I haven't really been all that curious even. Despite all that, the result was me growing up with a very indulgent lifestyle. Never really longing for anything, as almost anything I could think of was easily attainable. I can safely say I've experienced more of what is out there than mostly anyone my age. Which is 18, by the way. It isn't too hard to find time for travel when your name is pretty much paying for your honor roll.

AND THE DREAM I HAD

I don't quite remember how I ended up in her car that day, I just know that's when it all began. We were going to her house, and had just met. She was a very quiet girl. Small figure, black hair, soft skin. We got to her house and she showed me around. It was like nothing I had ever seen. It resembled an old, ruined castle, with crumbled stone everywhere except where the house stood. A very tidy house, oak doors and tile everywhere. There was one large tower standing. I later learned this is where her room was, and where I would be spending alot of my time.

We had a party that night, with all the people we knew. It seemed strange for her to be hosting a party, for someone so quiet and uneasy around large groups of people. I did'nt drink that night, something was holding me back. The next morning I met her parents. Very nice people. I can't recall the conversations I had with them. I just remember a room, packed full of things. Books, stone and wood carvings, tables and willow chairs. Next thing that comes to mind is sitting on her couch in her room, with her in my arms, being happier then I had been in a very long time. There was something about this girl. Something that makes me just wish I could remember her name, remember the details of who she was. Or to get to know her more. She told me once, that everyday, she would split her hair into a thousand strands and color it peice by peice. I'm not sure why that sticks out in my memory so much.

One day, maybe two weeks after our first encounter, I remember sitting up at the top of that large tower, in her tiny little bed. We did this quite often, although I don't remember anything about these select times. Anyways, she asked me to marry her that day. I can see the look in her eyes, the way she said it, the earnest of expressions on her face.

Why can't I just remeber her name? So many clear memories, but why not the name?


I wasn't sure what to tell her. I could spend the rest of my life up in this tower, with this girl. But marriage? I hated the word. I told her I needed to think, and walked down the spiral stairs into her kitchen. Things went all wrong here. I need to go to the hospital. If I could only explain why.....why I was feeling pain, like my mouth was suctioned closed. Why I needed to leave so bad. She must have heard me of course because she was there right away, as she always was. I was going to call for help, but something told me I couldn't bring anyone to this house. Couldn't share my bliss with the world.

So I ran to the front yard, maybe a vehicle would come. And so it did.

A familar face, asking me how I was doing. I told him I wanted a ride. That I wasn't feeling very well. His response was more than friendly.

"Sure, I'll give you a ride"

It's what he said afterwards that had confused me so much.

"We can take you, but I think your friends too big"

What? The girl? Couldn't have meant her. She needed to come. I couldn't go alone. And then I turned around.

She wasn't there.

Nothing was there. No house. No girl. Not those oh-so-familar oak doors I had walked in so many times.

It was replaced, by a large field, and two of my close friends standing right in front of me. I asked them where she was, where the house was. They gave me puzzled looks and told me they had no idea what I was talking about. That I had been with them for two weeks, watching TV and doing what we always did.

Of course, I didn't believe them. I had been in this house, with this girl.

Bliss.

And now they tell me it never happened.

I argued and argued to no end, until finally....

I woke up.




Amazing how you can have dreams so enjoyable, so full of beauty and happiness, that when you wake up, you almost wish they had never happened. That you did just have a dream of relaxing at a friends.

Something normal.

If I could just remember her name.........


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Just to be clear, this is an actual dream I had about 6 months ago. If only I could put all the emotions and pictures into writing. This is the best I could do.

Blargh.

So I was sitting at a coffee shop this morning downtown. Grabbed a coffee and read some Vancouver paper. Not sure which one, but their was an article I found interesting.

It was all about East Hastings, and what is dubbed as "Mardi Gras" each month. The last Wednesday of the month to be exact.  On this day, all the people on social assistance get there money for the month deposited into their bank accounts. All the addicts apparently line up behind the ATM's at midnight to withdraw their cash. Along with this, all the dealers loiter outside of the businesses to provide all these people with what they are going to want.  It's a night full of violence, and overdoses and who knows what else. 

Now this fucking infuriated me, reading about this.  Those are my fucking tax dollars.  Being spit out to a bunch of god damn junkies once a month, so they can get fucking high and fight each other.  Now I have a very small amount of sympathy for a select amount of homeless people, situations as they are for some of them.

But not a fucking drug addict.  The only thing keeping anyone from getting addicted to ANYTHING, is a bit of self control.  Now I have my addictions. Warcraft, smoking. But those things, for the most part, are not a detriment to society.  Me personally, possibly. I've done my fair share of addictive substances, and it's not hard to just shrug of the desire to do it again.  Weak fucking people.  Fucking waste of flesh, in my opinion. Mind you, their are worse people in the world. Politicians, President's of large corporations. A lot of them are just plain evil.  Plus when one of these damn junkies overdoses and gets an ambulance to the nearest hospital, well shit, I pay that too.

Here I am, struggling to make an honest amount of cash working at a job I hate, and these bastards are living off what comes off my cheque each month. AND they are spending that money on drugs. Which EVENTUALLY gets back into the system from the head guys buying toys, but it also fuels drug wars, gang crime, and a whole other lot of violence.

Like I said, no fucking sympathy. Let these people die. Fuck giving them clean needles, in less that's for the safety of the rest of us, I haven't really looked into how that works.

Anyways, it made me fucking livid reading that article.  

And I've yet to go see Hastings. I plan to soon though.

Sad when Social Networking Sites Start to Breed Almost Nothing but Hate

Yes, I mean you Facebook!

But I'm not gonna talk about that because, frankly, I don't have the energy for it.

Things are going....badly. 

I'm working almost no hours. I go in for my shift, it's slow, they send me home after an hour. Get 5 days off, then the same thing. Bastards.

I have a job interview next week so hopefully that goes well, and I can get some more cash rolling in.

But as of right now, and I doubt this is going to change, paying rent is virtually impossible. I have no idea what the fuck I am gonna do. 

I keep going over the positives and negatives of my situation. Or rather, why I want to stay and why I would like to go back home. Reasons prompting me to go back home I've pretty much discussed already.  Being lonely, bored. Having nothing change except paying a lot more than I should for where I live, and making a whole lot less money than where I previously was employed.

Reasons prompting me to stay. Well, the first thing is, I do love this city.  I love the energy, and the people, and the culture. I love being close to all my old friends. I love having SOMETHING be different. Those are the positive reasons.  I also feel this obligation to myself that if I left I would see it as a personal failure. Something that I usually wouldn't consider on making a decision for anything. I don't find pride to be a very important thing.  But it would be that way, though I'm sure not too heavily.  Another is the fact of how much money my Father has supplied me with.  He just bailed me out of rent, again, for this month.  Add that to my car plus the money he gave me when I left, it's about 3500 dollars or more. Probably a lot more.  Now I know he wouldn't hesitate for a second given the idea of me coming back. Might even prefer it. But I can't escape the fact that it's a lot of money He or I could have used for something else, whatever that may have been (Is it bad to start a sentence with "but"?). 

The whole mind set every seems to think I should have is that "It'll get better". But really, it's not going to any time soon.  Almost every single job I see requires some type of experience or qualification.  I should have got my schooling done.  I could have been more prepared.  And all the jobs that are returning my e-mails/calls tell me it's pretty much for the Olympic rush and that's probably all.  We will see.

Oh, and another thing on my staying list. Angela is really fucking awesome to live with. It is very convenient that I've been able to get a room mate I get along with. 

But still, I feel like I want to go home. Maybe just homesick, maybe just stressing.  I can't even afford to get to work tomorrow. And my fucking car is dead again, though I may be almost out of gas anyways.

Wonder if Angela has jumper cables?

Fuck.

ON THE PLUS SIDE!

I'm  going to Microsoft's Vancouver studio next Thursday for an hour long play test session.  Get to play some unreleased/early build games, and give feedback on my experience so they can assure quality. I'll make a whole post on that experience when it happen though.

Blargh. I'm not enjoying this. 

2010

It's New Year's! And I'm alone in Vancouver! Which is, okay. I do wish I was at a party.

This post isn't relevant to anything I just wanted to quote something.

I've been watching an anime called Full Metal Alchemist  over the past few months. I believe it is one of the best television shows I have ever seen. Rather than rant on about why and how much I love it, I'm gonna keep this brief.

Set-up for the quote. 

The 2 hero's of the series are placed on an island and are told they are to live their for one month. They are given a knife and that is all. Two boys ages 8 and 10. Or somewhere around there.

Their teacher than says "All is one, one is all". She tells them to figure that out before the month is up or they would be sent home, rather than continue with their training.

Now I don't expect anyone to get this, or even care. This is just for my own personal note so I don't forget it. I also think the script for this show is damn brilliant, and could quote at least 200 words from each episode that I find are meaningful in some way.

This was prior to them trying to resurrect their dead mother through the process of alchemy, crippling both their bodies.

“If I died the world would continue to move along as if nothing had happened.”

“Because you’re just a small part of it.”

“When the small part, in this case me, dies, the body remains.”

“Water, Carbon, Ammonia, Lime, Phosphorous, Salt, Saltpeter, Sulfur, Magnesium, Fluorine, Iron, and Aluminum right?”

“Right. The bodies only a combination of those simple elements. Nothing more. We’re destined to be decomposed by bacteria, and become nutrients for plants, then you follow the process further, those plants nourish herbivores.”

“And those herbivores nourish carnivores. Even others like us. And even though we lose awareness our lives keep on moving through the system.”

“The great flow that maintains the universe, call it the cycle of life, the course of nature each one of us is just a small part of that part. One in the all. Yet without all the individual ones, the all can’t exist. This world flows by following grander laws that we can’t even imagine. To recognize that flow, to work in it. To decompose, and recreate, that is alchemy.”

The cycle of life only goes one direction, not even alchemy can change that.

~Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric~ Episode All is One, One is All from Full Metal Alchemist

Happy New Year's!!!