20

I really want to write.

Why is it so hard to do it?

What should I write about?

Fiction?

Poems?

I have very little motivation.

Meh.

Two post's in what? Three days?

Wow, I'm actually writing a post within a week of my last one. Something must be up.

Had a great night last night. Went to my friends house and got pretty damn inebriated. It was supposed to be the peak night for the meteor shower, so we all went to the skatepark and lied in the bowl. We only saw a few shooting stars but it was a very nice experience.

There was some drama as usual. My buddies girlfriend and my other buddy were hitting on eachother all night, so there was quite a few times where I thought fists were gonna start flying. It never happened though, thankfully. We will see how that turns out. Ryan actually got off his pot-smoking ass and came out to chill for once. I really miss hanging out with him. Him and Olivia need to just get back together like they always do so things can go back to normal. He said he's finally getting sick of smoking pot all the time. I was kinda suprised since my phase of getting stoned all the time went on for a few years. As bad as it sounds, I hope he comes out and starts drinking with us again.

I talked to the girl on the phone Tuesday night I think it was. I got suprised. I told her about me going to California about 2 weeks after her getting back from Edmonton, and she was really upset. I honestly didn't think she would get as upset as she did. It was....partially comforting. And then we got into me moving down to Vancouver in October, and she got even more upset. She wants me to stay, but I don't think she realizes that our situation is at the point that I don't think it could EVER work. Well, maybe next year it could work. That's a long ways away.

I told her we would play it out and see what happens between us. She got all silent and non-talkative as young girls tend to do, which drives me fucking nuts. Considering how open and honest I am about everything, I hate getting a god damn silent treatment. Anyways, the conversation didn't go too well.

But enough of that. 

Extra Life. Sponser me. Seriously, 24 dollars. It's nothing, and it will help alot of kids.

GO HERE!

I've been reading all your blogs though. It makes me want to come down to the coast even more.

For now, that is all......

This is the title.

Things are....stressful.

I've found myself stuck in a large, tangling web of foolish personal and morale decisions. I made them to, well, feel happy. And at times, they succeed. But it hasn't lasted long and the small doses I'm getting aren't quite cutting it.

Remember the girl I mentioned in the last post? The one that I said relations with would swiftly fall apart? Well they, despite our best efforts, most certainly have. I am being judged by a vast number of people, mainly from the concern of parents.

Understandable. With the reputation I have in this town I am far from suprised. I suppose if I was what they think I am, I would be concerned for my daughter too. But really? I think I am probably one of the more responsible and good natured people a person could hang out with. Yes, I do drink alot. Way too much. But I'm working on it. And having a love interest sure helps it alot easier not to fall back into it. Is my household really so tarnished that people think thier children or friends are unsafe here? That's why I welcome these people into my home. Kids WILL drink. Whether or not they have somewhere to go or not isn't going to change that. I know only too well what happens when you are having too much fun at a place much too dangerous.

So what do I do? 

Simple answer. 

Leave.

Sounds fairly cowardly maybe? Not at all. I'm too comfortable here. I'm so familar with this town. I feel sheltered. I keep grasping on to relationships, all very un-realistic, all in an effort to fell good for a bit. 

I'm such a sucker.

I need to go to a city, find a girl that doesn't require copius amounts of liquor to have fun. One that....well, I can just sit and game with, heh. Would be nice, but someone creative. Open-minded. More importantly......older. I've gone into this before, so I'll lay off a bit. Would just be nice to have someone to hold, to be honest with me, to appreciate.

I'm so damn conflicted and flustered I can't even enjoy the beautiful and engaging narratives of all the masterpiece games I play, which is saying something as that is where I usually feel the most content and inspired.

But on another note. I few things outside of my desire to leave this town and my constant female drama.

I still have been unable to commit to checking out all the other blogs of the people who I care about here. You guys are so damn great, so intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and really, I want to know what's going on in your lives. 

Also, California is happening. Well, that's the plan. September and I will on the beaches of San Francisco drinking daquari's (have I said that before?) and deciding if the waves are good enough for surfing.

I can't fucking wait. Having a face to face chat with my Mom will make me feel SO much better. Just being in the city makes me happy. Seeing what it's like away form this isolated town.

And Vancouver. I'm coming. Soon Soon Soon. Not quite quick enough, but I will be there. 

Back to gaming, Extra Life is only two months away! I'm excited!!! What could be better than helping support one of the best research hospitals in the world by simply playing games? Well, people sponsering me could be better, but I'm not concerned. It's not a competition. The site is gonna do great, but every little bit helps. It is very comforting knowing I will be a part of it. 

I'm not gonna put a huge plug for it in here, just go read my last post for some more info. But here's the link if you wanna donate.

https://waystogive.texaschildrens.org/netcommunity/ExtraLIfeSGFundraiser

Beyond (BEYOND!) that their isn't too much else to say. Things are getting shaky for me though. Treading on unsafe ground, that much is certain.

Will do my best to blog more.

Thank you SO much to the people who read this, and even if I don't comment, I'm coming to read yours right now. Promise!