So my last post was a little....depressing. I thought I would write another in my improved state of mind so here it is.
I came to a calming realization today. I was listening to Neil Degrasse Tyson's radio show "StarTalk" today and was just awed by his intelligence, history, and accomplishments. This got me thinking of the rut I seem to be stuck in at the moment. I then came to the conclusion that I need to do something fulfilling and the sooner I started working on it the better. I have been so stuck in all my past mistakes. Not graduating or committing myself to anything I was interested in. All the time that I have wasted has drawn me into this downward spiral of unhappiness and aggravation I usually can't feel I can escape from. Then I started thinking how much time I have left and the only thing to do is look ahead and get to the place I always felt I have already missed. So starting now I am going to make small, gradual changes in order to achieve the fulfillment I'm lacking. I've been trying to graduate high school for a long while now but haven't fully committed to getting it done. I'm gonna use my time more productively. Read and write for a few hours, play games for an hour. Get something accomplished, go out an reward myself with something leisurely. I'm gonna do this slowly, not drastically as to not get frustrated and discouraged. That's the plan anyways.
I could go on, but I wanna keep these a little short.
Change starts now.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Downer
Man, I haven't blogged in a long while. I've wrote stuff but no venting.
I'm discouraged. Really fucking discouraged. I think I might be feeling worse these days then I did at the bottom of my stay in Vancouver. I was less lonely at least. Most of the time I want to go home. I miss all my friends. I love it here, a heck of a lot. This city is beautiful and stunning. The people I have met are great, but I still miss all the people I love. I'm becoming a recluse again. Not to mention I haven't been without a significant other in more than 2 years and it is daunting. I've somehow let two relationships that were great and would probably have gotten better slip through my fingers. In both cases, as with other things in my life, I am watching myself doing these things but I never tell him to stop. I simply let things slowly cripple until it is ultimately broken, and then I am unhappier than where I started. I am plagued with missed opportunity and a heavy lack of motivation. And the worse part it all is, I have no idea how to fix it. I can't decide if I want to stay here, or am just staying out of stubbornness. How do I know what is the best thing to do? Would I regret starting back at nothing, again? I don't even know why I am here most times. It's doing me no damn good. I have a bullshit job that isn't going to get me anywhere. The only thing I feel good about is being away from all the partying and that fact that I really like living in a city. But what good does that do if I am not happy? I also wonder how much influence my relationships have had on my decisions in the last few years. I like to tell myself it isn't much but I may be in slight denial. I don't even know what to think anymore. Nothing makes sense and I feel like I can't do anything about it. The best damn thing I can seem to do is write a sorrowed blog about it all. That probably just reinforces the whole point.
Someone tell me how to make life easier to manage? Please?
I'll write something less depressing in the future, I promise.
I'm discouraged. Really fucking discouraged. I think I might be feeling worse these days then I did at the bottom of my stay in Vancouver. I was less lonely at least. Most of the time I want to go home. I miss all my friends. I love it here, a heck of a lot. This city is beautiful and stunning. The people I have met are great, but I still miss all the people I love. I'm becoming a recluse again. Not to mention I haven't been without a significant other in more than 2 years and it is daunting. I've somehow let two relationships that were great and would probably have gotten better slip through my fingers. In both cases, as with other things in my life, I am watching myself doing these things but I never tell him to stop. I simply let things slowly cripple until it is ultimately broken, and then I am unhappier than where I started. I am plagued with missed opportunity and a heavy lack of motivation. And the worse part it all is, I have no idea how to fix it. I can't decide if I want to stay here, or am just staying out of stubbornness. How do I know what is the best thing to do? Would I regret starting back at nothing, again? I don't even know why I am here most times. It's doing me no damn good. I have a bullshit job that isn't going to get me anywhere. The only thing I feel good about is being away from all the partying and that fact that I really like living in a city. But what good does that do if I am not happy? I also wonder how much influence my relationships have had on my decisions in the last few years. I like to tell myself it isn't much but I may be in slight denial. I don't even know what to think anymore. Nothing makes sense and I feel like I can't do anything about it. The best damn thing I can seem to do is write a sorrowed blog about it all. That probably just reinforces the whole point.
Someone tell me how to make life easier to manage? Please?
I'll write something less depressing in the future, I promise.
Monday, June 25, 2012
No one will ever forget today. On the table, a newspaper with the headline...
*insert famous celebrity here* has committed suicide after both cell phone and laptop were stolen! The EXCLUSIVE contents on our page 10 spread!
I nearly choke on my coffee as I throw today's edition of the Warrant County News back down on the table. I didn't recognize the name of the person.
"Is this what things have come to?" I ask with leveled frustration to the women across the counter.
"That paper costs money." She replies while anxiously clicking away at her laptop.
I sigh, heavily, and throw some money down on the counter.
"Keep the change."
I walk out of the deli onto Main Street and start heading south towards the river. I'm not sure which bothers me more, the headline or how rude the women was as I supported what was an obviously failing business for her. Is everyone like this? I think about her life.
Mid-forties, single-mom. Her kids have grown up. She has turned to alcohol, as many in this city have, to deal with the loneliness she feels as her kids are graduating college and getting married. Her hands shake every morning as she runs water through the same coffee grounds for the third time this week. In the beginning she adopted an abandoned dog so she would have something to care for again. It wasn't long until her neighbors called the shelter and got the poor thing picked up. She didn't even notice it was gone. She tried to gather the courage to phone her children but they never answered anymore. It wasn't the first time people had come and taken what she neglected. She woke up and put another round of water through the grounds and hopped on the bus. When she got to work she checked the till but was full aware it was empty. She reaches under the counter and pulls out her old laptop and begins checking her bank accounts, emails, network sites and family blogs. She vaguely notices a man throw a paper on the table across the counter as he mutters something. She mumbles a reply.
I stand onto the railing of the bridge, look down the nearly 400 feet to the river, and throw my plastic coffee cup.
"I bet we don't make the morning edition."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmmm, well that was interesting. I haven't written in months and I kinda like what this turned into from a random writing prompt. I'm not gonna bother editing or proofing anything at all. I'm not sure I even have the skill to. I'm losing my ability to be creative. I might actually be getting dumber.
I find it funny how quickly an idea in your head can totally change over the course of 15 mins and a single paragraph worth of typing. I can't remember at all what I was thinking when I started this but I can guarantee it was nothing like that.
I really need to do this more. If I did one of these every day I might feel like I was accomplishing something.
Oh well.
Thoughts?
I nearly choke on my coffee as I throw today's edition of the Warrant County News back down on the table. I didn't recognize the name of the person.
"Is this what things have come to?" I ask with leveled frustration to the women across the counter.
"That paper costs money." She replies while anxiously clicking away at her laptop.
I sigh, heavily, and throw some money down on the counter.
"Keep the change."
I walk out of the deli onto Main Street and start heading south towards the river. I'm not sure which bothers me more, the headline or how rude the women was as I supported what was an obviously failing business for her. Is everyone like this? I think about her life.
Mid-forties, single-mom. Her kids have grown up. She has turned to alcohol, as many in this city have, to deal with the loneliness she feels as her kids are graduating college and getting married. Her hands shake every morning as she runs water through the same coffee grounds for the third time this week. In the beginning she adopted an abandoned dog so she would have something to care for again. It wasn't long until her neighbors called the shelter and got the poor thing picked up. She didn't even notice it was gone. She tried to gather the courage to phone her children but they never answered anymore. It wasn't the first time people had come and taken what she neglected. She woke up and put another round of water through the grounds and hopped on the bus. When she got to work she checked the till but was full aware it was empty. She reaches under the counter and pulls out her old laptop and begins checking her bank accounts, emails, network sites and family blogs. She vaguely notices a man throw a paper on the table across the counter as he mutters something. She mumbles a reply.
I stand onto the railing of the bridge, look down the nearly 400 feet to the river, and throw my plastic coffee cup.
"I bet we don't make the morning edition."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmmm, well that was interesting. I haven't written in months and I kinda like what this turned into from a random writing prompt. I'm not gonna bother editing or proofing anything at all. I'm not sure I even have the skill to. I'm losing my ability to be creative. I might actually be getting dumber.
I find it funny how quickly an idea in your head can totally change over the course of 15 mins and a single paragraph worth of typing. I can't remember at all what I was thinking when I started this but I can guarantee it was nothing like that.
I really need to do this more. If I did one of these every day I might feel like I was accomplishing something.
Oh well.
Thoughts?
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