Dream:
1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.
2. the sleeping state in which this occurs.
3. an object seen in a dream.
4. an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake.
5. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.
6. an aspiration; goal; aim: A trip to Europe is his dream.
7. a wild or vain fancy.
8. something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence
Right...so...had a strange dream last night. Nothing too crazy or enlightening but sufficiently random. I honestly don't know how Taylor finds her self into my dreams all the time. I never see her and very rarely think about her on a daily basis. It's strange, I feel like I should have taken the chance to date her when the opportunity arose. Despite only being "together" for only a few short weeks, we just seemed to, I dunno....work. I was always happy spending time with her. Our arguements were never screaming matches, usually they were very calm and honest, and about our partners we both had at the time, so nothing too serious. Anyways, she a strong girl and I'll never forget the short time we were hanging out.
Anyways, I remember being in a small little insurance office, that was like...run down and old. I recognized the worker as some native that I don't specifically know but I have seen him around town. Odd he found his way in there too. He said something about how it was really slow and offered us some drinks. Next thing I know were out back in a cheap wanna-be-playboy-mansion grotto and there were naked people everywhere, swimming and what not. Next thing I know it's me and Taylor making out, intensely. It was exactly how I remembered it, which was a plus. Something then interuppted us, which I don't remember, and then I woke up.
Not very interesting but it intrigued me for some reason so I figure I would write it down.
Now to the point of this post. So yesterday at work, I was deeply thinking more about how I lack the right sort of people in my life, as mentioned in previous posts. Also how I think I am ready to find a relationship that is fairly serious. Or maybe something casual that, if luck allows, will grow into something serious. Blah blah, was feeling lonely and lacking companionship and then I came to a realization. Or more of a thoery I suppose, as I could be totally wrong.
I think that reason that I have the group of friends like I do, may have something to do with the fact that how I present myself is not totally reflective of who I am as a person. I present myself as someone who loves anything mainstream, in love with pop music, hip-hop, videogames, hollywood, cars. I love the city and am in love with technology and where it's going. Now I never feel a moment where I am not being exactly who I am. Yet, there is so much that people don't see. My love for art, and history. The part of me that loves the forest, and nature. Dancing in the rain. How I could just listen to Jazz on vinyl for hours at a time. I feel like I have just come to supress that part of me out of habit and who I have surrounded myself with. It's still very much a part of me, and probably more who I am them anything. So now I have a problem. Do I change how I present myself in order to give people the right impression of who I am? I feel like I am already doing that, but yet, I'm unsatsfied with the people I hang around with now. What exactly is the reason I have the friends I do, and not more creative, mature, thought-provoking individuals? Maybe I am totally wrong here, but it's a pretty strong theory I think.
I also don't think I am practicing that part of me like I should be. I don't appreciate nature, or art, or music like I feel should. Maybe that would change how I go about things.
Honestly, I'm not sure, but this self-reflection has taught me quite alot about myself, and hopefully things change, as what is going on is boring the hell outta me.
SO....I was gonna go into some things that were actually going on right now, the band, a possible trip to Vancouver at the end of the month, but I'll leave it at this for now. I leave you with a verse from one of my favorite rap/rock groups, Rehab.
"You know, they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
So vengeful and mother earth has been done wrong
And I think she's sick
Yo, she's pukin up lava
Her nerves tremble along fault lines ready to drop an entire city of filth
that's been forced upon her
We built these towers of Babel and feel remorse for nada
The momma divorce the father
The children are droppin blotter
The rich get richer, poverty's hot under the collar
Takin prayer outta schools and we're tryin to raise scholars
Creationism vs. the theory of evolution
Air, water, land, mind, body and soul pollution
Kids steppin on land mines from wars we're all losin
We're chasin false idols, erasing from our bibles the golden rule
the youth are becoming more suicidal
Who teaches them, you and I do
No wonder they want to fight you
Raised by hypocrites, you feel lied to." Graffiti the World -Rehab
I'm not going to lie, I never thought of you as anything more than the outer person you described until I started talking to you/reading your blogs. I would suggest trying to find a balance. You don't need to change who you are or how you portray yourself, you just need to find a way to balance the you that people see, and the one that you feel isn't too known.
ReplyDeleteWhen do you want to hang out, you, Taylor and I? I asked him about it and he said whenever is fine for him, and the same goes for me.
Hi love. Some of the best advice anyone has ever given me is that you are who your friends are. Sounds strange, but it makes sense to me. The people you spend your time with rub off on you and influence you. So if you spend time with people who bring out the best in you, you'll be happiest. You know of a few people who love nature and love being creative (Skylar and Taylor come to mind, but there are others...Shawnee, Davin, Merieka...any of those people). Try putting more effort into spending quality time with them, and not just partying. You know what I mean? Anyways, I know you'll find what you're looking for if you just allow yourself to do so.
ReplyDeleteAnd also....trip to Vancouver???
Exactly Skylar. I feel like I may have missed alot of good friendships due to that fact. I'm gonna work on finding that perfect balance.
ReplyDeleteAnd that makes so much sense Korri, and is probably the case. And yeah, Shawnee and all those guys are great, and exactly the type of people I need to be around. I'll work on it.
That really helps guys, thank you.
And yes Skylar, coffee on Tuesday...:)
I love you lee. I also know how hard the balance can be. I personally think that a big part of you also needs to realize that you are not "better" than these people. I know I spent a lot of time hating the people around me for bringing me down when it really was my fault for not "practicing" the things I value. Even now I am having trouble writing and I blame school, or my boyfriend, or my friends, really it's my fault because I allow myself to be influenced. I think you can still keep these people around, but that it shouldn't be all or nothing you know? you have to nurture the stuff you value most, but you shouldn't kill the other side of you all together either.
ReplyDeleteOh no, I know Ang. I never meant to imply I was better then these people by any means. They are all great people and I love them and have learned alot from them, I just don't feel they appreciate the same things as me, or not all at least. I'll never separate myself from them, just in need of something a little different.
ReplyDelete