Once again, I've heavily been denying this blog. Their are a few contributing reasons for this.
First, is a lack of creative motivation, but I'll get into that.
Update on things so far. I totally love this city. It's beautiful, and the small bit I have experienced of it tells me that my love for it will continue to grow. That being said, I'm fucking stressed. And lonely. I never actually knew the what the plague of not having sufficient amounts of cash felt like. I'm feeling it now. I got a job dish washing at this Asian place on Granville and it is awesome. Besides washing dishes, which is fucking dreadful work and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, everyone I work with are all very cool. And mostly Asian. I don't think I've touched on my fascination for Asian culture and how it intrigues me. Those of you who are frequent facebookers know enough, with my more than excessive linking of Korean and Japanese pop songs.
As for being lonely, well. I miss a few people. I think it's just the holidays. Everyone is back home with their families and it makes me miss being home, or what was home.
The immediate feelings I have with the money and the loneliness SEEMS to be worse than the stress I was dealing with back home with the girls and the drama, but when I deeply think about it, that is not the case. I am most definitely in a better state of mind here overall. Just gotta get my feet on solid ground, as it were, and things will become more comfortable.
I just noticed how scattered my thoughts seem here, but bear with me.
Onto my lack of creative motivation.
When I first conceived this whole idea of moving out of a small redneck town into a large city full of culture, I had a few ideas about how that would change me. Is assumptious a word? *EDIT When I did the spellcheck it said it's not. Rather than try to find some other joining term, I just deleted it. It should be a word. I thought that I would move down here, and start using my free time to tune my interests in more creative endeavors rather than simply enjoying them with my more than obsessive gaming addiction. I told myself I was going to, for lack of a better term, re-create who I was portraying myself as. Not to say I won't be exactly who I feel I should be, as I'm happy with myself as I am. I think I touch on this a few posts back.
ANYWAYS, that is simply not the case. I've finally realized what it means to say that where you come from doesn't make who you are. I still play games for about 8-10 hours a day. I still feebly attempt to write a song, learn to animate, write a creative piece, only to eventually give up and carry on gaming. Exactly how things were back in Invermere.
Which is another that seems to be bothering me as of late. I am doing almost EXACTLY THE SAME THING as I was doing before I moved, but making MUCH less money and being far more lonely. Notice how I'm using bolds and italics? THAT is the peak of my creative energy! So at times I'm feeling like this move wasn't something I wanted as much as I thought I did.
But then, there are the times when I know this is what I should have done. The first night me and Korri hung out. Ate strange Asian food and watched sailor moon. When me and Angela go downtown and end up drinking until 4 am and not remembering how we got home. When me and Shawny sipped wine and watched Love, Actually. These are things that I enjoyed back home but never really appreciated. Those moments that are so memorable, but if done too much too frequently become stale. And I feel like those moments here are always changing and always different. Burlesque in a lesbian bar one night. A night of pool in a sports bar the next. Moments such as these are why I love it here. I just need to promise myself that I won't over indulge too much. I need to learn how fleeting life can be. I think I need to go re-read Tom Wolfe's The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and get things in perspective a little more.
Wow. This post took a whole different direction then when I attended on when I started it.
I feel like I have more to say, but it's all too cluttered.
Also, I wish at times I wasn't so socially inept. Anyone who is close to me probably thinks this is a ludicrous statement. Something I will work on.
Oh, and I want G-dragon's hair. Or Cloud Strife from FF7. I wish I was an anime character.
Merry Christmas. And Happy New Years.
P.S. RIP to The Reverend, and my heart is out to the Canadian journalist who was killed in Afghan. The first since we went in 8 years ago.
