Downer

Man, I haven't blogged in a long while. I've wrote stuff but no venting.

I'm discouraged. Really fucking discouraged. I think I might be feeling worse these days then I did at the bottom of my stay in Vancouver. I was less lonely at least. Most of the time I want to go home. I miss all my friends. I love it here, a heck of a lot. This city is beautiful and stunning. The people I have met are great, but I still miss all the people I love. I'm becoming a recluse again. Not to mention I haven't been without a significant other in more than 2 years and it is daunting. I've somehow let two relationships that were great and would probably have gotten better slip through my fingers. In both cases, as with other things in my life, I am watching myself doing these things but I never tell him to stop. I simply let things slowly cripple until it is ultimately broken, and then I am unhappier than where I started. I am plagued with missed opportunity and a heavy lack of motivation. And the worse part it all is, I have no idea how to fix it. I can't decide if I want to stay here, or am just staying out of stubbornness. How do I know what is the best thing to do? Would I regret starting back at nothing, again? I don't even know why I am here most times. It's doing me no damn good. I have a bullshit job that isn't going to get me anywhere. The only thing I feel good about is being away from all the partying and that fact that I really like living in a city. But what good does that do if I am not happy? I also wonder how much influence my relationships have had on my decisions in the last few years. I like to tell myself it isn't much but I may be in slight denial. I don't even know what to think anymore. Nothing makes sense and I feel like I can't do anything about it. The best damn thing I can seem to do is write a sorrowed blog about it all. That probably just reinforces the whole point.

Someone tell me how to make life easier to manage? Please?

I'll write something less depressing in the future, I promise.