I wrote that line 7 years ago in my book, while pondering downtown.
I feel no closer to an answer.
I can't decide if that is discouraging or not. I have decided so many times "I know what I want to do", and it changes every 6 months. I wanna design games. I wanna write. I wanna play music. I'm torn between so many things that I can't seem to focus on anything, and when I look back on how far I've come in any of those areas it seems like now where. Lately it's been writing but I haven't been able to force, or otherwise, any desire to write about any subject, topic, experiece, thought, or emotion that comes to me. And when I do, I lack the words to get it out in any compelling or interesting sentence.
And it is SO GOD DAMN aggravating. I think that experience is what hinders me the most. Can't design games without studying and practicing game design. Can't get better at drums without studying and practicing music. Can't get good at writing without studying and practicing writing. Now that all seems all quite easy to fix. Simply, start doing that. So why can't I motivate myself? I think I might spend too much time indulging in all these areas I love so much. Although these things seem like they would healthy things to be addicted to that is just not the case. I might have written about this all before, but I'm realizing it burdening me more and more as time passes.
I guess I'll just wait until I'm all settled down in Vancouver to work on these things. Despite all my stress, I have a feeling my mind will be clear there. And being surrounded by some art and culture will be healthy for me. Being in California should do the trick, especially in this city, but where do I go? What do I go see? I know nothing of this city. And it costs money to get anywhere which I'm lacking. Vancouver should be better. I'll know people. I can drive.
Until then, I'm just gonna enjoy life as I can. Not think about the future beyond my move.
Least I'm writing these more. They help.
Goodnight
If in doubt, you take the world with you.
ReplyDeleteAHHHHH!!!! I can't wait. and you know whats cool? there is a beach. close. yup. it's a pretty great place where I go and think and cry and scream at the ocean. or whatever! also...our living room will be dedicated to music...what with my owning 2 guitars that NEED to get played. and I have a typewriter too which is always fun if you want to just write...and feel connected to like the whoeever who wrote on it before. anyways pretty stoked over here!!!
ReplyDeleteI can relate. I want to do so many things and yet I spend so much time doing nothing. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to just DO things, but most days it is.
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