Ugh....

Hey guys.

So I bought a new car a few days ago. Or, my dad bought it for me, putting me even deeper in debt. Bought Ryan's old car (You know it well Meghan, :P). It's a damn good car for what I paid. Has taken me to cranbrook and back quite a few times now. Hopefully it lasts me awhile.

I'm in a seriously bad and yet creative mood at the moment. I feel like singing, writing some guitar. But considering I have never sang before let alone write a song, not sure how well it will go. Might not tackle that today.

Trying to think of things to blog about other than the girl I'm "involved" with but it's proving to be quite difficult, so here we are again.

I am seriously, seriously not putting myself in a good position with this whole thing. I'm totally addicted to going and seeing her, and I know it's just bad for me. This distance thing DOES NOT WORK, and I do not recommend it to anyone. No matter how hard I try to just enjoy things how they are, my time with her as it is, I can't help but constantly wish I was with here, and not being my usual happy self when I'm not. I just got payed today, and was about to spend my last 30 dollars to go see her. I got to Fairmont and had to come back. I know it was a smarter choice, but the decision kills me. Not only that but I promised her I would come. Not like she is mad, or she doesn't seem to be, which could mean anything I suppose. It would be so much more convenient if I could meet a girl like this in this town, but I have a feeling I wont meet a girl this amazing for a very long time. I've been without a steady girlfriend for way too damn long. I am sick of being single.

I'll survive.

Things are going fairly well other than that, as much as that says. Get my new computer in the next few weeks. I really really really do love my parents. They have been so damn good to me throughout the years. My dad has put up with so much shit with me in the last year and yet he still will help me do whatever it takes to make sure I'm okay. I miss my Mom though. I'm counting down the days when I can just sit on that balcony in California, overlooking the San Fran bay and just sip daquiri's and chat with her. It can't come soon enough. 

On another note, I wanna leave this fucking town. So bad. I love it here, and am really starting to love all the people I'm meeting and spending all my time with. But I need a city. I need San Fran. I need Vancouver. I need culture. I need music. I need a scene. I need change. I think I'm really gonna enjoy my summer here though. I'm also losing passion for the band. I don't have much desire anymore. It may be due to spending all my mental energy on this girl, but I just don't feel it. I wanna drum though, more than anything. I need my kit back from the jam space.

And most of all, I need Korri. I wish she was here. I need one of her hugs. I need her stories. I wanna hear all her adventures leaving to the city. I can't wait to see her this month (is it this month? I hope so). Soon. Soon. Soon.

Also. WTF is with that New Moon trailer. Bella and Edward seem to have that horribly portrayed connection that they had in Twilight. And as much as I loved the CG in Golden Compass those shitty ass "were-wolvcs" just didn't do it for me. I still will love it, and will find it amazing as I did Twilight, but really? Plus Taylor looks SO fucking dope, I think he can easily steal some of Rob's thunder.

Anyways, I LOVE YOU ALL, I LOVE THE WORLD, AND....FUCK!

And Korri, HURRY UP AND COME HUG ME PLEASE!!!

R.I.P. Roxy

Hey guys!

First of, let me apologize for my denial of my blog in the last few months. Not like I have a large fanbase that will petition against me for it or anything, more of an apology to myself for neglecting it.

Your in for a long one.

First off, I'm dropping my title format, as I find it is too much work to find random words that relate to the post and find definitions for them.

Second, this entry I dedicate to my car, my automotive love. My first true mode of vehicular transport that has brought me and many other people before me so many great times. I pass this onto you, like it isn't obvious at all, but I advise you to NOT EVER let anyone drive your car, especially while heavily inebriated(sp?). Smashed tail light, and although the attempt has been made to fix it, the great morale body that is our RCMP may not approve of the job. Nonetheless, I need a new car. So RIP to my car, who I shall call Roxy. You will always be my first love.

Now what have I been doing this whole time? Alot. And by alot, I mean alot of drama, alot of emotional fluxuations, alot of unwise decisions, and alot of great, great times. 

The band has been rolling along very smoothly. Played a show in Cranbrook a few weeks ago and it went very well. Not the biggest crowd, but those who came had enough energy to fuel the show. It was a great experience playing out of town, and hopefully it happens some more in the future.

Next, I believe I may be getting a reputation for hanging out with girls that I are deemed inappropriate ages to be hanging out with. This also includes sexual relations which may be frowned upon by some. I do not agree with out legal and morale system regarding these things (maybe I should), so I do not feel bad for any of the choices I've made. 

Girls a few years younger than me are MUCH MUCH more fun to hang around then anyone I know my age these days, and I see nothing wrong with that at all. Liquor also plays a part in these unwise decisions of course, but I carry no shame or regret for anything that I have done. In every case(almost), it has strengthened my friendship with this individuals, which leads me to my main reason for writing this entry.

Relationship problems.

So you may remember ( which you all should, cause I expect you to be religiously studying my old posts while waiting for a new one, hah) the girl I talked about in my last post. The one who I was heavily falling for? Well that's all back.

I saw her at the show, and it was amazing. We cuddled and talked, and once again I felt something so foreign to me. We hung out a few days later and it was so even more amazing, I can't even begin to describe it. Maybe it's been a while since I've been in a relationship, but I can't remember a time when I've felt so happy and attracted to someone, if I ever have been. We had a great night and everything went perfect. Then I had to leave. This is what is killing me. I don't think I was prepared for how much I would like this girl, and being away from her leaves me with this hole in my stomach I was not expecting to be so prominant. This all sounds very juvenile, as I've said before, but I can't help how it affects me. Not to mention this date we got alot closer. Alot more talking, alot more open talking. I have already mentioned in my post all the things that make this girl amazing to me. Her open-mindedness, her creativity, ect. But I have never felt so comfortable. To note, things have gotten to a slightly sexual point, which I won't get into detail, which may have contributed to how much closer I feel to her(not to say for a second this has much to do with sex, but un-avoidable). She has pushed my comfort level many times, and yet, not for a second do I feel akward. It's just...intense. She obviously has had different sexual experiences than me, and I am fascinated by it. Her candid way of thinking goes right over to her thoughts on sex. I really feel like it's helping me become more confident in myself just as a person.

So that sounds great and all, but no. I'm not sure if this distance thing will work. I think I could handle it, with difficulty mind you, but not sure what her take on it is. Things go well that night, then we start texting in the morning, and she seems quiet and dismissive. Maybe has something to do with mood, or IDK. I know she has other guys going on her life, and I'm not sure what to think of that. I don't feel like she should be commited to me in any sense, just wondering how that comes into things. 

I haven't had the best few days anyways. I wish this would just...work. I feel much better now, and until I see her again I'm just gonna indulge in the wonderous art that are my video games. 

I've also been cutting down on the drinking. I feel like getting slammed would help my mood, which it would, but I'm just so sick of it. Until my birthday next week, I'm just gonna take it easy, and keep it up after too. Feels nice to have a clear head.

Sooooooo, as it's all girls that read this. Any thoughts? I realize I am young and maybe shouldn't take this all so seriously, but hey, that's how we learn.

For now, I will leave you with this. I feel much lighter writing this, and expect alot more entries from me...hopefully.

"Don't let them say you ain't beautiful. They can all get fucked just stay true to you" Eminem - Beautiful.

Attraction

Attraction:

1. the act, power, or property of attracting.
2. attractive quality; magnetic charm; fascination; allurement; enticement: the subtle attraction of her strange personality. 
3. a person or thing that draws, attracts, allures, or entices: The main attraction was the after-dinner speaker. 
4. a characteristic or quality that provides pleasure; attractive feature: The chief attractions of the evening were the good drinks and witty conversation

Okay, so I deleted my last post from last night. Or, I drafted it for now. I wasn't thinking very clearly at the time. I do intend to post it, but maybe once this whole thing is over, and maybe do some editing on it.

Hopefully not TOO many people read it.

I can't believe how fucking crazy you can get over a person...a girl in this case. Going to sleep last night, I'm just thinking "What the fuck?". How could I get so worked up over a girl I just met, hung out with 3 times, and who is way too young to be expected to be mature enough to be reasonable. 

Since anyone who didn't get the chance to read that post, I'll break things down quickly.

Met a girl, hung out, shit got wierd. This girl is AMAZING, and almost everything I find attractive she possesses. Creativity, talent, a beautiful singing voice, a playful and candid personality, and she is so damn cute. 

So how can I explain my foolishness on crushing on a young girl and letting myself get worked up over it so much?

First theory is that I have too much faith in humanity to be as honest and open as me, which comes off as very selfish and arrogant I suppose. Someone so young, I should realize she is gonna be a handful emotionally and I gotta really watch what I do and say. But I open myself up so quick and willingly, that it takes nothing to get me really liking someone, and being honest with them. I am really not sure if girls find this attractive or not. All the girls I talk to seem to NOT be, even just the friends when were talking relationships. I think I should maybe be more careful as to who I open my emotions to.  But do I really want a girl who isn't gonna be open and honest with me? Someone who wont play fucking games? Someone who tell me exactly how she feels? Maybe it takes time to get to that point, and isn't something that just happens, but it should be.

Second Theory. Maybe the reason I fall for girls so easily is because I haven't felt that kind of love and companionship in so long, I'm willing to forget the things that I find most important in a girl just for that sense. Holding her in my arms, and gently kissing her made all the problems fade for that moment. The whole time with her was like a series of blissful moments that maybe think of nothing else. Maybe that had something to do with the attraction for her. Haha, tempted to make a drug/twilight reference here, but I will hold back. I'm sure I just gave it away anyways.

So blah...I feel alot better, coming to the realization that I think I am beyond, and more mature than this. It IS how I feel. I really DO like this girl, but then again, I've always believed you shouldn't be doing something unless it makes you totally happy, no matter what the cost. As of right now, it IS really good sometimes, but not sure if it's something I can keep up. Until I figure that out the old post shall stay in the vault of blogs. Not long and you can hear all the details about the dates and what not. 

Okay not sure if this is coming out any clearer than my last one, but it feels good writing it.

I've learned so much about myself these past two months with girls, I can be nothing but thankful to them.

Quoting my FB status here as I think it's hilarious. Check out the video on my profile if your bored. :)

"Pornography warps children's minds, leading them to believe that sex is fun, rather than shameful and embarrasing" -A video from "The Onion"

Change

Change:

1. to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one's name; to change one's opinion; to change the course of history.

2. to transform or convert (usually fol. by into): The witch changed the prince into a toad. 

3. to substitute another or others for; exchange for something else, usually of the same kind: She changed her shoes when she got home from the office. 
4. to give and take reciprocally; interchange: to change places with someone. 
5. to transfer from one (conveyance) to another: You'll have to change planes in Chicago. 

6. to give or get smaller money in exchange for: to change a five-dollar bill.

OH MY GOD, I am moving to Vancouver! Like...ACTUALLY doing it after so many years of talking about it. I'm SO damn excited, and nervous, and scared, and curious. It's a great feeling. Korri gave me an e-mail to someone she knows who is looking for a roomate and I e-mailed her and she sent me a pic of the house and some more info( See above!). I LOVE IT! It looks very used, and "homely". Exactly what I was looking for. It's really close to downtown and science world.

SO...May 9th and I am GONE! I'm gonna load up my car with all my essentials, and start driving. I'm gonna leave about 3AM so I get to Van at about 1 or so, assuming my car doesn't explode or something.

Honestly, I'm not really gonna miss many people here. Maybe it will kick in closer to when I leave. I mean, I will miss my dad and my brother more than anything, but friend-wise, I don't feel like I have any real CLOSE friends. I'm gonna miss Ryan the most I think, and Olivia too. That guy is one of the nicest guys I know and all the good times have been with him pretty much. But all my lovely, brilliant high-school friends that I grew with are in Van or the island, so I don't think I will feel lonely at all.

Anyways, still more than a month to go, so I'll keep you guy posted on how things are going, and to those who are in Van reading this, I will see you soon!!! :P

"Everything in Moderation, even World of Warcraft" Blizzard tip on the WoW loading screen,( Random I know, I'm outta ideas.")

Creativity

Creativity:

1. the state or quality of being creative.
2. the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination: the need for creativity in modern industry; creativity in the performing arts. 
3. the process by which one utilizes creative ability: Extensive reading stimulated his creativity.

So the show at the Whitehouse went well.

Until the cops showed up.

Was a good set, people were loving it. Busted out my best drum solo yet. But apparently, as rumor has it, that some kid called his dad( a cop), and said he was out partying at the Whitehouse with his friends. Great plan, man. Anyways, they came and ID'ed everyone, shut the bar down, blah blah. I guess they got a 25,000 dollar fine or something. They aren't shut down for good at least. I grew up in that bar, hah. So all the minors and I took the slightly long trek up to my house, which was an event in itself. Very fun. We then partied at my house ALL night. I didn't go to bed till about 6 in the morning, apparently slept with Krissta, as having a friend sleep in your bed automatically implies sex was involved, which was not the case. Woke up about an hour later and had a very hazy day at work. Amazing how fast word travels. I got to work and the whole place was talking about what happened. I think I've been pin-pointed as the cause of the whole ordeal. They seem to think it's my responsibility to not have my friends, and the bands friends and thier friends, to not come to our shows. Last time I checked it was the bar staff that are supposed to be keeping the minors out. 

So that was all good fun.

I think I feel I'm at the point where I could part ways with the band if I were to move. I was heavily considering it, but I realized I have WAY to much going on this summer to pull it off. I have a Paramore/No Doubt concert to go to, about 3 days from Comic-Con in San Diego, where I will be staying for at least 7 days. Plus the skate competition here the weekend after. Considering the debt I'm in, I don't see moving being a very realistic option at the moment. End of summer though, no matter what happens, I will be out of this town.

On a slightly related note, I've been second guessing myself alot on where my true passion lies. I honestly think it may lie in game design. I've been listening to alot of the soundtracks from all my SNES games. Namely Secret of Mana and Chrono Trigger, both from 1995 and still considered two of the greatest RPG's of all time, if not greatest games. 

Yay! Time for my rant on videogames. Been a long time coming. So I was watching some video's on IGN.com ( a popular review website of games). They did a special article on the top 100 game developers, and they had some video's of people asking some of them questions. One was asking the great question of "Are videogames art?."

"Art is not a self-defining business" One dev said. They make some very interesting points on that. Video games are still a very young medium. Yet they are the largest and most profitable entertainment medium around. They mention that people who play the games obviously consider them an art form.  But people who don't still see them as a toy, as something for children that rots your brain, blah blah. They are to me, the most complex and creative forms of expression. They are a mix of everything people love. Writing, animation, drawing, music, acting. Not to mention things like level design and gameplay.

How could someone deny that as art? I mean, of course negative things can revolve around it, just like anything. I want to be a part of that. I want to be involved in making that game that will bring a tear to your eye, make you scream in suspense, make you laugh your ass of with your friends. You can feel so much more invloved when playing games. You take a beautiful peice of art, and you make your experience your own, everytime. Just like you could listen to song and have it mean a whole different thing one time then another. Even more so with games, as the actual experience can be different everytime. Take different paths, good vs bad, ect. It is genius, and I really wish I could put it into words how beautiful and memorable they are in my life. No doubt, I've abused my love for it with some of them, appreciating them to the point of boredom and seclusion from my friends, which actually benefitted me in the end( something me and a friend talked about the other day that I was gonna get into here but may save it). But when you play something like the above mentioned games and take it all in. The romance, the betrayal, the sounds, the hidden things. When you hear that one song that will always stay with you, and every time will give you a unique feeling that you don't associate with anything else.

That is art to me.

SO....I really need to get my ass back to school. The video game industry is one of the hardest to get into. It's becoming alot easier with the concept of free gaming on the internet, and services such as Xbox live arcade, but you need a really unique idea. Something that has never been done before, or greatly improve upon an idea and make it your own. I'm at a late start. Having an education greatly helps your chances, although not nessicary. I also think going to an art school would be a great experience.

I'm gonna stop here as I may be boring someone. 

Also, I think I am gonna dread my hair. I have been thinking about doing it for a few years, but haven't had the motivation to go through with it. It seems like a whole journey in itself, as Skylar mentioned on her blog. I also feel it will better represent my personality and who I am. I don't think I have met anyone who has liked the idea of me getting dreads, but people's personal opinion of my looks are the last thing that concerns me. Thing is, I WANT THEM NOW. I don't think my damn hair is long enough, and when it's this length it grows SO damn slow. I guess I could deal with some short dreads for a while, so I don't know. I'm gonna look into it alot more, but it IS gonna happen soon. OH, and I am gonna couple these dreads and the whole experience with quitting smoking!!! I need to prepare for it heavily, as I enjoy smoking WAY to much, but this might help.

OFF TO BED for me though....I'm still lacking sleep from that party on Friday.

Sleep well everyone!

Quote today is from a note on Taylor Dakin's facebook, which just automatically stuck with me the moment I read it. 

"Thier is no future beyond the decision I am yet to make" Taylor Dakin

Fail

Fail:

1. to fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved: The experiment failed because of poor planning. 
2. to receive less than the passing grade or mark in an examination, class, or course of study: He failed in history. 
3. to be or become deficient or lacking; be insufficient or absent; fall short: Our supplies failed. 
4. to dwindle, pass, or die away: The flowers failed for lack of rain. 
5. to lose strength or vigor; become weak: His health failed after the operation. 
6. to become unable to meet or pay debts or business obligations; become insolvent or bankrupt.
7. (of a building member, structure, machine part, etc.) to break, bend, crush, or be otherwise destroyed or made useless because of an excessive load.
8. to stop functioning or operating

So the show was....unsuccessful. That's being fairly generous, as I think "a fucking disaster" is a more fitting description. It wasn't too bad that only about 16 tickets got sold so NOONE was there, but the sound...ugh. Everything was fine for sound check, we do our intro, and when we all kick in....nothing but screaming feedback. And then 20 mins of trying to get Mike's vocal mic working. This continued through-out the entire show. I mean, I always play like it's my last show, so I rocked out pretty hard, but yeah...from now on....bar shows only, and we do our own damn sound. Not saying it was really the sound guy's fault, things were just alot more complicated then they needed to be. Chaos thoery at it's finest. The other bands were....well. I really loved the The Rabid Whole. Loved everything about them. Bought thier CD and they are awesome. Met some of the band members and they were fairly nice, but for the most part, all the other band members seemed like quite the arrogant group of individuals. Very un-friendly. 

It WAS a very fun time though. We partied and had lots of fun moshing and listening to the other bands. Let's just say it not my WORST show ever. Maybe second worse though, IDK.

Oh right....spot for The Rabid Whole....http://www.myspace.com/therabidwhole

Check them out.

As for other things going on, I need a damn break from jamming. I need some personal time to work on my own creative projects. When spring break hits, Jon is off to Kelowna for a week, so that will be nice. I'm gonna start tracking beats with my Roland kit. Me and Lucas have been talking about doing some collab work. I've never "met" the guy (more or less introduced through Skylar via facebook, hah) but he seems really down for laying some guitar over my beats. I like his style from what I have heard, and he seems to enjoy mine. It will be nice to have a change for a bit. Something seperate and a little more personal writing-wise. I like the idea of a side-project from Infected (or "I partied with a pornstar", not sure if were keeping that or not".

Anyways, I am feeling a little nostalgic today and may delve into some Secret of Mana for the SNES to bring back lovely memories of my childhood( and it's also one of my FAVE games of all time, despite how technology has leapt since then).

Also hoping that my trip to Vancouver all works out, cause I need some cuty time BADLY. Korri time too...always makes me feel better. Quote today from....hhhhmmm.

"Self doubt and ego always a knife at the throat of success" -A grade 8 me

Projection

Project:

18. to extend or protrude beyond something else.
19. to use one's voice forcefully enough to be heard at a distance, as in a theater.
20. to produce a clear impression of one's thoughts, personality, role, etc., in an audience; communicate clearly and forcefully.
21. Psychology. to ascribe one's own feelings, thoughts, or attitudes to others.

Thank god a few days off work. I'm so damn sick and tired of being...sick and tired it's killing me. I need some serious sleep and relaxation. 

A little bit of what's going on at the moment.  Our show on Saturday is back on, as it was thought cancelled. But of course, Stephanie wouldn't let this happen and is fighting with everything she can to make sure it works out good. Anyways, I'm damn excited. I can only hope we will get a better turn out than previous attempts so we shall see. She says we need to secure music equipment for LSD. Apparently they need a whole 16 channel board and a full front end. You would think that a band that is on tour would have this stuff. I mean, we don't have the best equipment but enough to play this show and have it sound amazing. Not only that but she is expected to pay for it if they need a rental. Oh well, not outta my pocket. Cover is gonna be 10 dollars. I honestly think we would get a larger turnout with 5. I realize we have to pay LSD and all, but people in this town are honestly too cheap to come to a show for 10 bucks. They would rather buy a pack of smokes or get some beer. It's a little sad. Like damn, I would pay 10 bucks to go see ANY band at ANY venue. Better then sitting at home doing nothing on a Saturday night. 

Other than that, not much else going on. I really want to pick up a old record player from the pawn shop next time I go to cranbrook. Me and my bro have an un-opened vinyl of Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon". I plan to listen to the whole thing and possibly try to do some writing, as I haven't written creatively in years. Or maybe try and do some projecting. It's usually better to AP in silence, but I feel Floyd would be perfect for easing my mind for it. 

What else? I think I burnt out the windshield wiper motor in my car. Darn. It was raining when I got off work( YAY! Spring time) and I had to wipe off the window with my hoody. Thank fully it stopped shortly after or it would have been a tricky ride home.

Anyways, I might try to get some sleep before we go print off posters and spread them around for the show. Maybe put up a post later....I'm lost for quotes today though....hhhhmmmm.

This is from a picture Rio drew way back in the day in my book.

"One needn't think to comprehend the greatest powers of creativy"- Rio ( I think)