One small step for me.

So my last post was a little....depressing. I thought I would write another in my improved state of mind so here it is.

I came to a calming realization today. I was listening to Neil Degrasse Tyson's radio show "StarTalk" today and was just awed by his intelligence, history, and accomplishments. This got me thinking of the rut I seem to be stuck in at the moment. I then came to the conclusion that I need to do something fulfilling and the sooner I started working on it the better. I have been so stuck in all my past mistakes. Not graduating or committing myself to anything I was interested in. All the time that I have wasted has drawn me into this downward spiral of unhappiness and aggravation I usually can't feel I can escape from. Then I started thinking how much time I have left and the only thing to do is look ahead and get to the place I always felt I have already missed. So starting now I am going to make small, gradual changes in order to achieve the fulfillment I'm lacking. I've been trying to graduate high school for a long while now but haven't fully committed to getting it done. I'm gonna use my time more productively. Read and write for a few hours, play games for an hour. Get something accomplished, go out an reward myself with something leisurely. I'm gonna do this slowly, not drastically as to not get frustrated and discouraged. That's the plan anyways.

I could go on, but I wanna keep these a little short.

Change starts now.

Downer

Man, I haven't blogged in a long while. I've wrote stuff but no venting.

I'm discouraged. Really fucking discouraged. I think I might be feeling worse these days then I did at the bottom of my stay in Vancouver. I was less lonely at least. Most of the time I want to go home. I miss all my friends. I love it here, a heck of a lot. This city is beautiful and stunning. The people I have met are great, but I still miss all the people I love. I'm becoming a recluse again. Not to mention I haven't been without a significant other in more than 2 years and it is daunting. I've somehow let two relationships that were great and would probably have gotten better slip through my fingers. In both cases, as with other things in my life, I am watching myself doing these things but I never tell him to stop. I simply let things slowly cripple until it is ultimately broken, and then I am unhappier than where I started. I am plagued with missed opportunity and a heavy lack of motivation. And the worse part it all is, I have no idea how to fix it. I can't decide if I want to stay here, or am just staying out of stubbornness. How do I know what is the best thing to do? Would I regret starting back at nothing, again? I don't even know why I am here most times. It's doing me no damn good. I have a bullshit job that isn't going to get me anywhere. The only thing I feel good about is being away from all the partying and that fact that I really like living in a city. But what good does that do if I am not happy? I also wonder how much influence my relationships have had on my decisions in the last few years. I like to tell myself it isn't much but I may be in slight denial. I don't even know what to think anymore. Nothing makes sense and I feel like I can't do anything about it. The best damn thing I can seem to do is write a sorrowed blog about it all. That probably just reinforces the whole point.

Someone tell me how to make life easier to manage? Please?

I'll write something less depressing in the future, I promise.

No one will ever forget today. On the table, a newspaper with the headline...

*insert famous celebrity here* has committed suicide after both cell phone and laptop were stolen! The EXCLUSIVE contents on our page 10 spread!

I nearly choke on my coffee as I throw today's edition of the Warrant County News back down on the table. I didn't recognize the name of the person.

"Is this what things have come to?" I ask with leveled frustration to the women across the counter.

"That paper costs money." She replies while anxiously clicking away at her laptop.

I sigh, heavily, and throw some money down on the counter.

"Keep the change."



I walk out of the deli onto Main Street and start heading south towards the river.  I'm not sure which bothers me more, the headline or how rude the women was as I supported what was an obviously failing business for her. Is everyone like this? I think about her life.

Mid-forties, single-mom. Her kids have grown up. She has turned to alcohol, as many in this city have, to deal with the loneliness she feels as her kids are graduating college and getting married. Her hands shake every morning as she runs water through the same coffee grounds for the third time this week. In the beginning she adopted an abandoned dog so she would have something to care for again. It wasn't long until her neighbors called the shelter and got the poor thing picked up. She didn't even notice it was gone. She tried to gather the courage to phone her children but they never answered anymore. It wasn't the first time people had come and taken what she neglected. She woke up and put another round of water through the grounds and hopped on the bus. When she got to work she checked the till but was full aware it was empty. She reaches under the counter and pulls out her old laptop and begins checking her bank accounts, emails, network sites and family blogs. She vaguely notices a man throw a paper on the table across the counter as he mutters something. She mumbles a reply.

I stand onto the railing of the bridge, look down the nearly 400 feet to the river, and throw my plastic coffee cup.

"I bet we don't make the morning edition."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hmmm, well that was interesting. I haven't written in months and I kinda like what this turned into from a random writing prompt. I'm not gonna bother editing or proofing anything at all. I'm not sure I even have the skill to. I'm losing my ability to be creative. I might actually be getting dumber.

I find it funny how quickly an idea in your head can totally change over the course of 15 mins and a single paragraph worth of typing. I can't remember at all what I was thinking when I started this but I can guarantee it was nothing like that. 

I really need to do this more. If I did one of these every day I might feel like I was accomplishing something.

Oh well.

Thoughts?






 

Rough Story

I woke up with Greed resting her head on my neck. She gently nudged me and whispered in my ear.

"What do you want most in the world?"

I didn't know how to answer.

"I'm not sure".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walking up the cement stairs out of my apartment and feeling the moisture on my skin is always a welcome "Hello". Rain rarely hits the ground in this place. So damn hot all the time. It's no wonder I found a room almost underground. Much cooler in there. I don't even know why this is crossing my mind right now. I should be asking myself how the hell I woke up from what I can only assume was a dream, or at least something I created. The details are fading every second. All I can clearly remember is her face. How amazing she was. The people and the house. I can't recall what it all looked like. The conversations I had. It went all wrong though. Quickly.

I was headed to Mandolins for a coffee, which is something I usually do when I am thinking. Mandolins is a very calming place. A small coffee shop on the corner of my street. I sat down in one of the few chairs. They always have dangerously cute girls working here, who I always feebly attempt to flirt with, usually resulting in disappointment. Too much of artists these girls. I walked to the counter as a young girl I knew came out of the back room with some large boxes in her arms. Her face was hidden but I recognized the smell of her perfume. 

“Hey Jess” I said as I reached across the counter and grabbed a cup from beneath the cashier.

“I get paid to serve your coffee you know, Ethan.” She replied, placing the boxes in front of the coffee makers.

“But I like this cup.”

I filled up my cup with coffee and sat down on one of the stools and looked back up at Jess. She started to unload bags of coffee from the boxes up onto to the shelves above the machines. I have known Jess for years. She had been working at Mandolins for a year when I moved into the city. She is small, thin, with long brown hair. Her bangs are cut short around her eyes. We never spend any time together outside, so I’ve only really seen her wear her green apron and blue jeans. I was pretty interested in her when we met, but after awhile we just kind of just became outlets for each other when we wanted to talk about something. She was the exception to the rest of the girls that hung around here.

“Any luck finding work?” She asked.

She hit some buttons on the till, opened it and then closed it again without depositing anything. I never pay for my coffee here.

“You know I don’t need to work.” I smiled at her and put some more sugar in my coffee.

“It would be good for you. All you do is roam the city. At least find a hobby or something.” She said with a slight smile.

“Roaming is my hobby. A lot of interesting things happen around here.” I replied, grabbing a copy of the The Estis Daily News. I took a look at the front page. In the main column was a picture of a small pile of blue pills. They looked to be the size of a dime and had a symbol carved into the middle of each one. 

“Here we go.” I said, folding out the paper on the counter. Jess began to fill up the coffee machines and I started to read the small caption below the picture.

“Estis City Police have been investigating what appears to be a new pill that is being created in the underground. We have not been able to get any more information from the department but will be making  investigations into the new drug and will report any news as it surfaces."

Note - More needs be added here

I am supposed to be finding some sort of employment, although it is hardly necessary. I have enough money in my account to afford me, along with a few others, a long lifetime of care free living. I always find it unfair that I should be given so much opportunity. All based on chance. Typical story. Born to rich parents. They were killed in an unsolved homicide. When I say unsolved, in no way do I mean that their was ever much of an investigation. I still haven't found out what they did or why they seemed to be victims of such distaste by, well, everyone. I haven't really been all that curious even. Despite all that, the result was me growing up with a very indulgent lifestyle. Never really longing for anything, as almost anything I could think of was easily attainable. I can safely say I've experienced more of what is out there than mostly anyone my age. Which is 18, by the way. It isn't too hard to find time for travel when your name is pretty much paying for your honor roll.

I was walking home from downtown late last night, when I heard raised voices from a group of men one street over. I decided to take a detour in their direction. People fascinate me, and I usually take any opportunity I can to understand how we think the way we do. Just as I was approaching the dim street corner they were standing at, I heard a sobbing voice quietly trying to raise her voice back at the men. She sounded scared.

“Hello gentlemen. Having a good evening?” I said calmly to the back of the first man.

There were three of them. It sounded like a large group of them from where I was standing earlier.
“Things are starting to look up” One of them replied.

I could tell he was already grinning before he slowly turned his head around, locking eyes with me. The man on the right had what looked like a knife in his hand, but I wasn’t sure at the time. I got cautious. Just as I was about to ask them what they had intended to get from conversing with the girl, the man swung at me. I broke his arm in 3 places and grabbed the knife as the other lunged at me. I stabbed them both. One in the femur and the other in the stomach. Just enough so they couldn’t walk.

“What are you doing out here by yourself?” I asked the girl. 

I said it calmly. I didn’t wait for an answer and tossed the knife to the ground by her feet. I started back towards the street I was on. Still about 10 blocks from home. It was getting late. That's when I heard sirens. I sighed.


Now here I am.
I’m waiting for the officers to fill out paperwork and come get a statement from me. As far as they know I had assaulted the men without cause. The girl somehow managed to avoid running into the police. I dont blame her for avoiding them. She knows very well those men that were harassing her are not the only evils in the world. I know this too. After about 45 minutes I hear them finally coming back. I have been smoking cigarettes this whole time. Not that I am anxious, but these dull interrogation rooms bore me. The cops must have brought up the other men’s records. They all got handcuffed and brought to the cells, no doubt with some court orders being written up.

“Your free to leave” The officer said after opening the door. He didn't even step inside.

“Excuse me?”

“Have a good evening, sir” He said and closed the door.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Her breath was cold on my neck. I was shivering as she placed her frozen fingers on the back of my spine, cutting deep into my skin with her nails. Everything was cold except the steady stream of blood between our chests, running down my waist and collecting on the floor. I always knew it would end this way. I fought so hard to avoid it but always knew it would come to this, just as it had all began. A beautiful girl, confused and betrayed. I know she didn't deserve this. Neither one if them did. They were self-less and caring. Thoughtful and intelligent.

I watched the focus fade from her eyes and saw her tears freezing to her cheek.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I open my eyes and things begin to focus. I see her. She doesn't belong here and I tell her so. She walks around me without shifting her eyes from mine. Through the green I can see vengeance. She puts her hands on shoulders and leans her head to my ear.

"How can you be so sure?" She whispers.

I reply.

"By the softness of your voice. By the feeling of your rough hands. By the small scar on your neck."

I breathe in.

"And your eyes."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Change of Heart

Okay, so I was going to take down my last post.  It comes off a fairly arrogant, and I am quite ignorant on such issues.  But, considering I've been using this blog for saying what's on my mind so far I am going to leave it up. For now.

I also might start a new one. Less personal. More about things and issues I'm curious about, but with a little more perspective and planning. My writing will also go there.

I can't remember the last time I put a piece of writing on here, or if I have even but I am going to right now.

This has been a draft for a good 2 weeks now. I kept adding to but stopped about a week ago. Every time I read it I like it more and more. Some of the sentences seem a bit rough though, so I'd like to go back and revise it a bit. Not sure how far I want to take it, but I like where it's going.

Also going to include, afterwards, the dream I had that inspired the piece. Korri mentioned on my FB that I should add on it more but I didn't feel like I should. That changed.

AND it comes to an abrupt halt because it was early morning when I write the last bit.

ENJOY

I woke up with Greed resting her head on my neck. She gently nudged me and whispered in my ear.

"What do you want most in the world?"

I didn't know how to answer.

"I'm not sure".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walking up the cement stairs out of my apartment and feeling the moisture on my skin is always a welcome "Hello". Rain rarely hits the ground in this place. So damn hot all the time. It's no wonder I found a room almost underground. Much cooler in there. I don't even know why this is crossing my mind right now. I should be asking myself how the hell I woke up from what I can only assume was a dream, or at least something I created. The details are fading every second. All I can clearly remember is her face. How amazing she was. The people, and the house. I can't recall what it all looked like. The conversations I had. It went all wrong though. Quickly.

I was headed to Mandolins for a coffee, something I usually do when I am thinking. Mandolins is a very calming place. A small coffee shop on the corner of my street. I sat down in one of the few chairs. They always have dangerously cute girls working here, who I always feebly attempt to flirt with, usually resulting in disappointment. Too much of artists these girls.

A few days carried on. I am supposed to be finding some sort of employment, although it is hardly necessary. I have enough money in my account to afford myself, along with a few others, a long lifetime of care free living. I always find it unfair that I should be given so much opportunity. All based on chance. Typical story. Born to rich parents. They were killed in an unsolved homicide. When I say unsolved, in no way do I mean that their was ever much of an investigation. I still haven't found out what they did or why they seemed to be victims of such distaste by, well, everyone. I haven't really been all that curious even. Despite all that, the result was me growing up with a very indulgent lifestyle. Never really longing for anything, as almost anything I could think of was easily attainable. I can safely say I've experienced more of what is out there than mostly anyone my age. Which is 18, by the way. It isn't too hard to find time for travel when your name is pretty much paying for your honor roll.

AND THE DREAM I HAD

I don't quite remember how I ended up in her car that day, I just know that's when it all began. We were going to her house, and had just met. She was a very quiet girl. Small figure, black hair, soft skin. We got to her house and she showed me around. It was like nothing I had ever seen. It resembled an old, ruined castle, with crumbled stone everywhere except where the house stood. A very tidy house, oak doors and tile everywhere. There was one large tower standing. I later learned this is where her room was, and where I would be spending alot of my time.

We had a party that night, with all the people we knew. It seemed strange for her to be hosting a party, for someone so quiet and uneasy around large groups of people. I did'nt drink that night, something was holding me back. The next morning I met her parents. Very nice people. I can't recall the conversations I had with them. I just remember a room, packed full of things. Books, stone and wood carvings, tables and willow chairs. Next thing that comes to mind is sitting on her couch in her room, with her in my arms, being happier then I had been in a very long time. There was something about this girl. Something that makes me just wish I could remember her name, remember the details of who she was. Or to get to know her more. She told me once, that everyday, she would split her hair into a thousand strands and color it peice by peice. I'm not sure why that sticks out in my memory so much.

One day, maybe two weeks after our first encounter, I remember sitting up at the top of that large tower, in her tiny little bed. We did this quite often, although I don't remember anything about these select times. Anyways, she asked me to marry her that day. I can see the look in her eyes, the way she said it, the earnest of expressions on her face.

Why can't I just remeber her name? So many clear memories, but why not the name?


I wasn't sure what to tell her. I could spend the rest of my life up in this tower, with this girl. But marriage? I hated the word. I told her I needed to think, and walked down the spiral stairs into her kitchen. Things went all wrong here. I need to go to the hospital. If I could only explain why.....why I was feeling pain, like my mouth was suctioned closed. Why I needed to leave so bad. She must have heard me of course because she was there right away, as she always was. I was going to call for help, but something told me I couldn't bring anyone to this house. Couldn't share my bliss with the world.

So I ran to the front yard, maybe a vehicle would come. And so it did.

A familar face, asking me how I was doing. I told him I wanted a ride. That I wasn't feeling very well. His response was more than friendly.

"Sure, I'll give you a ride"

It's what he said afterwards that had confused me so much.

"We can take you, but I think your friends too big"

What? The girl? Couldn't have meant her. She needed to come. I couldn't go alone. And then I turned around.

She wasn't there.

Nothing was there. No house. No girl. Not those oh-so-familar oak doors I had walked in so many times.

It was replaced, by a large field, and two of my close friends standing right in front of me. I asked them where she was, where the house was. They gave me puzzled looks and told me they had no idea what I was talking about. That I had been with them for two weeks, watching TV and doing what we always did.

Of course, I didn't believe them. I had been in this house, with this girl.

Bliss.

And now they tell me it never happened.

I argued and argued to no end, until finally....

I woke up.




Amazing how you can have dreams so enjoyable, so full of beauty and happiness, that when you wake up, you almost wish they had never happened. That you did just have a dream of relaxing at a friends.

Something normal.

If I could just remember her name.........


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Just to be clear, this is an actual dream I had about 6 months ago. If only I could put all the emotions and pictures into writing. This is the best I could do.

Blargh.

So I was sitting at a coffee shop this morning downtown. Grabbed a coffee and read some Vancouver paper. Not sure which one, but their was an article I found interesting.

It was all about East Hastings, and what is dubbed as "Mardi Gras" each month. The last Wednesday of the month to be exact.  On this day, all the people on social assistance get there money for the month deposited into their bank accounts. All the addicts apparently line up behind the ATM's at midnight to withdraw their cash. Along with this, all the dealers loiter outside of the businesses to provide all these people with what they are going to want.  It's a night full of violence, and overdoses and who knows what else. 

Now this fucking infuriated me, reading about this.  Those are my fucking tax dollars.  Being spit out to a bunch of god damn junkies once a month, so they can get fucking high and fight each other.  Now I have a very small amount of sympathy for a select amount of homeless people, situations as they are for some of them.

But not a fucking drug addict.  The only thing keeping anyone from getting addicted to ANYTHING, is a bit of self control.  Now I have my addictions. Warcraft, smoking. But those things, for the most part, are not a detriment to society.  Me personally, possibly. I've done my fair share of addictive substances, and it's not hard to just shrug of the desire to do it again.  Weak fucking people.  Fucking waste of flesh, in my opinion. Mind you, their are worse people in the world. Politicians, President's of large corporations. A lot of them are just plain evil.  Plus when one of these damn junkies overdoses and gets an ambulance to the nearest hospital, well shit, I pay that too.

Here I am, struggling to make an honest amount of cash working at a job I hate, and these bastards are living off what comes off my cheque each month. AND they are spending that money on drugs. Which EVENTUALLY gets back into the system from the head guys buying toys, but it also fuels drug wars, gang crime, and a whole other lot of violence.

Like I said, no fucking sympathy. Let these people die. Fuck giving them clean needles, in less that's for the safety of the rest of us, I haven't really looked into how that works.

Anyways, it made me fucking livid reading that article.  

And I've yet to go see Hastings. I plan to soon though.

Sad when Social Networking Sites Start to Breed Almost Nothing but Hate

Yes, I mean you Facebook!

But I'm not gonna talk about that because, frankly, I don't have the energy for it.

Things are going....badly. 

I'm working almost no hours. I go in for my shift, it's slow, they send me home after an hour. Get 5 days off, then the same thing. Bastards.

I have a job interview next week so hopefully that goes well, and I can get some more cash rolling in.

But as of right now, and I doubt this is going to change, paying rent is virtually impossible. I have no idea what the fuck I am gonna do. 

I keep going over the positives and negatives of my situation. Or rather, why I want to stay and why I would like to go back home. Reasons prompting me to go back home I've pretty much discussed already.  Being lonely, bored. Having nothing change except paying a lot more than I should for where I live, and making a whole lot less money than where I previously was employed.

Reasons prompting me to stay. Well, the first thing is, I do love this city.  I love the energy, and the people, and the culture. I love being close to all my old friends. I love having SOMETHING be different. Those are the positive reasons.  I also feel this obligation to myself that if I left I would see it as a personal failure. Something that I usually wouldn't consider on making a decision for anything. I don't find pride to be a very important thing.  But it would be that way, though I'm sure not too heavily.  Another is the fact of how much money my Father has supplied me with.  He just bailed me out of rent, again, for this month.  Add that to my car plus the money he gave me when I left, it's about 3500 dollars or more. Probably a lot more.  Now I know he wouldn't hesitate for a second given the idea of me coming back. Might even prefer it. But I can't escape the fact that it's a lot of money He or I could have used for something else, whatever that may have been (Is it bad to start a sentence with "but"?). 

The whole mind set every seems to think I should have is that "It'll get better". But really, it's not going to any time soon.  Almost every single job I see requires some type of experience or qualification.  I should have got my schooling done.  I could have been more prepared.  And all the jobs that are returning my e-mails/calls tell me it's pretty much for the Olympic rush and that's probably all.  We will see.

Oh, and another thing on my staying list. Angela is really fucking awesome to live with. It is very convenient that I've been able to get a room mate I get along with. 

But still, I feel like I want to go home. Maybe just homesick, maybe just stressing.  I can't even afford to get to work tomorrow. And my fucking car is dead again, though I may be almost out of gas anyways.

Wonder if Angela has jumper cables?

Fuck.

ON THE PLUS SIDE!

I'm  going to Microsoft's Vancouver studio next Thursday for an hour long play test session.  Get to play some unreleased/early build games, and give feedback on my experience so they can assure quality. I'll make a whole post on that experience when it happen though.

Blargh. I'm not enjoying this. 

2010

It's New Year's! And I'm alone in Vancouver! Which is, okay. I do wish I was at a party.

This post isn't relevant to anything I just wanted to quote something.

I've been watching an anime called Full Metal Alchemist  over the past few months. I believe it is one of the best television shows I have ever seen. Rather than rant on about why and how much I love it, I'm gonna keep this brief.

Set-up for the quote. 

The 2 hero's of the series are placed on an island and are told they are to live their for one month. They are given a knife and that is all. Two boys ages 8 and 10. Or somewhere around there.

Their teacher than says "All is one, one is all". She tells them to figure that out before the month is up or they would be sent home, rather than continue with their training.

Now I don't expect anyone to get this, or even care. This is just for my own personal note so I don't forget it. I also think the script for this show is damn brilliant, and could quote at least 200 words from each episode that I find are meaningful in some way.

This was prior to them trying to resurrect their dead mother through the process of alchemy, crippling both their bodies.

“If I died the world would continue to move along as if nothing had happened.”

“Because you’re just a small part of it.”

“When the small part, in this case me, dies, the body remains.”

“Water, Carbon, Ammonia, Lime, Phosphorous, Salt, Saltpeter, Sulfur, Magnesium, Fluorine, Iron, and Aluminum right?”

“Right. The bodies only a combination of those simple elements. Nothing more. We’re destined to be decomposed by bacteria, and become nutrients for plants, then you follow the process further, those plants nourish herbivores.”

“And those herbivores nourish carnivores. Even others like us. And even though we lose awareness our lives keep on moving through the system.”

“The great flow that maintains the universe, call it the cycle of life, the course of nature each one of us is just a small part of that part. One in the all. Yet without all the individual ones, the all can’t exist. This world flows by following grander laws that we can’t even imagine. To recognize that flow, to work in it. To decompose, and recreate, that is alchemy.”

The cycle of life only goes one direction, not even alchemy can change that.

~Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric~ Episode All is One, One is All from Full Metal Alchemist

Happy New Year's!!!

City Livin'

Once again, I've heavily been denying this blog. Their are a few contributing reasons for this.

First, is a lack of creative motivation, but I'll get into that.

Update on things so far. I totally love this city. It's beautiful, and the small bit I have experienced of it tells me that my love for it will continue to grow. That being said, I'm fucking stressed. And lonely. I never actually knew the what the plague of not having sufficient amounts of cash felt like. I'm feeling it now. I got a job dish washing at this Asian place on Granville and it is awesome. Besides washing dishes, which is fucking dreadful work and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, everyone I work with are all very cool. And mostly Asian. I don't think I've touched on my fascination for Asian culture and how it intrigues me. Those of you who are frequent facebookers know enough, with my more than excessive linking of Korean and Japanese pop songs.

As for being lonely, well. I miss a few people. I think it's just the holidays. Everyone is back home with their families and it makes me miss being home, or what was home.

The immediate feelings I have with the money and the loneliness SEEMS to be worse than the stress I was dealing with back home with the girls and the drama, but when I deeply think about it, that is not the case. I am most definitely in a better state of mind here overall. Just gotta get my feet on solid ground, as it were, and things will become more comfortable.

I just noticed how scattered my thoughts seem here, but bear with me.

Onto my lack of creative motivation.

When I first conceived this whole idea of moving out of a small redneck town into a large city full of culture, I had a few ideas about how that would change me. Is assumptious a word? *EDIT When I did the spellcheck it said it's not. Rather than try to find some other joining term, I just deleted it. It should be a word. I thought that I would move down here, and start using my free time to tune my interests in more creative endeavors rather than simply enjoying them with my more than obsessive gaming addiction. I told myself I was going to, for lack of a better term, re-create who I was portraying myself as. Not to say I won't be exactly who I feel I should be, as I'm happy with myself as I am. I think I touch on this a few posts back.

ANYWAYS, that is simply not the case. I've finally realized what it means to say that where you come from doesn't make who you are. I still play games for about 8-10 hours a day. I still feebly attempt to write a song, learn to animate, write a creative piece, only to eventually give up and carry on gaming. Exactly how things were back in Invermere.

Which is another that seems to be bothering me as of late. I am doing almost EXACTLY THE SAME THING as I was doing before I moved, but making MUCH less money and being far more lonely. Notice how I'm using bolds and italics? THAT is the peak of my creative energy! So at times I'm feeling like this move wasn't something I wanted as much as I thought I did.

But then, there are the times when I know this is what I should have done. The first night me and Korri hung out. Ate strange Asian food and watched sailor moon. When me and Angela go downtown and end up drinking until 4 am and not remembering how we got home. When me and Shawny sipped wine and watched Love, Actually. These are things that I enjoyed back home but never really appreciated. Those moments that are so memorable, but if done too much too frequently become stale. And I feel like those moments here are always changing and always different. Burlesque in a lesbian bar one night. A night of pool in a sports bar the next. Moments such as these are why I love it here. I just need to promise myself that I won't over indulge too much. I need to learn how fleeting life can be. I think I need to go re-read Tom Wolfe's The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and get things in perspective a little more.

Wow. This post took a whole different direction then when I attended on when I started it.

I feel like I have more to say, but it's all too cluttered.

Also, I wish at times I wasn't so socially inept. Anyone who is close to me probably thinks this is a ludicrous statement. Something I will work on.

Oh, and I want G-dragon's hair. Or Cloud Strife from FF7. I wish I was an anime character.

Merry Christmas. And Happy New Years.

P.S. RIP to The Reverend, and my heart is out to the Canadian journalist who was killed in Afghan. The first since we went in 8 years ago.

Rent is paid.

Holy shit. 

2 days and I'm gone from here for who knows how long. I've been feeling nervous about it, but now I'm excited. I mean, I'm roomies with Angela. That is so random and awesome. Exactly what I need. Money is really troubling me though. All my plans didn't work out so I had to borrow rent money from my Dad. Not to mention what I need to actually get down there and survive for a month. And then their is January's rent. Not sure if I'm gonna be able to get a pay cheque quick enough to make it. All you guys must worry about this constantly.  This is gonna be healthy for me.

Sadly, all my excitement and anticipation is drowned out by the fact that the rest of my life is a fucking disaster. I won't even get started on girls again. 2 more days and I'll be away from every single crazy bitch and every single beautiful girl I know and I won't have to ever deal with their nonsense. I can meet NEW ones and deal with THEIR nonsense. Awesome.

But really, my mom's in the hospital down in Oakland. I don't even know how I feel. She had a stroke, apparently can't speak and is not in very good condition. I'm worried, but at the same time maybe I'm in denial about the whole thing. Like I'm just assuming things will work out for the best. On top of that, if BC Medicare decides they don't want to help her, well, then she is really totally fucked. 

I don't know what to think anymore. The only thing I feel sure about is that this move is gonna be good. I have no idea if it is what I want right now, but it is gonna be good.

So I'm....happy?

I think so.

I am

going to toss myself into the city.

Here's to hoping all goes well.

Anticipation

Less than 2 weeks.

Holy god.

In a way, I can't be more excited. Getting out of here is the right thing to do, and whenever I question myself on this move I just remember that.  I need it.  I want it despite certain feelings I have about leaving. I'm really happy right now, which makes it a little tougher. I know I will be happy in Vancouver, but I also know their will be many lonely nights. Thankfully, I have a lot of friends down there and more seem to be going as the months roll on. I'm also find myself to be a fairly enjoyable person to be in the company of so meeting people won't be any sort of issue I'm sure.

Some stuff just bothers me. My grandparents are at an age where my time with them is running short. Having neglecting to spend time with them in the last few years is really hitting right now. What will I miss out on when I'm gone? What will everyone I know miss while I'm there? 

Besides all that though, this is gonna be fucking great. I'm made for the city. 

And Taylor tells me I'll be there just in time for Bass Hunter. Excited.

Fortunately, I am playing Warcraft again, which is my go to addiction when I'm upset or lonely. Some crazy shit has happened in the last few weeks, but hopping on vent and chatting with the guildies and all my old friends that are still going strong always alleviates the stress of my current problems. I can't begin to say how much I love that game. It is, in my opinion, the strongest representation of humanity. At it's finest. Even more than the "real world" because mostly everyone is themselves, depending on what you interpret that term as. It will get me through any rough times I have as it always does.

The city awaits...and I'm totally not ready. It will be grand.

P.S. 17january1956, who are you? Forgive me, but you commented on my California post and it's kept me curious ever since.

"Where will or can this world take me?"

I wrote that line 7 years ago in my book, while pondering downtown.

I feel no closer to an answer.

I can't decide if that is discouraging or not. I have decided so many times "I know what I want to do", and it changes every 6 months. I wanna design games. I wanna write. I wanna play music. I'm torn between so many things that I can't seem to focus on anything, and when I look back on how far I've come in any of those areas it seems like now where. Lately it's been writing but I haven't been able to force, or otherwise, any desire to write about any subject, topic, experiece, thought, or emotion that comes to me. And when I do, I lack the words to get it out in any compelling or interesting sentence. 

And it is SO GOD DAMN aggravating. I think that experience is what hinders me the most. Can't design games without studying and practicing game design. Can't get better at drums without studying and practicing music. Can't get good at writing without studying and practicing writing. Now that all seems all quite easy to fix. Simply, start doing that. So why can't I motivate myself? I think I might spend too much time indulging in all these areas I love so much. Although these things seem like they would healthy things to be addicted to that is just not the case. I might have written about this all before, but I'm realizing it burdening me more and more as time passes.

I guess I'll just wait until I'm all settled down in Vancouver to work on these things. Despite all my stress, I have a feeling my mind will be clear there. And being surrounded by some art and culture will be healthy for me. Being in California should do the trick, especially in this city, but where do I go? What do I go see? I know nothing of this city. And it costs money to get anywhere which I'm lacking. Vancouver should be better. I'll know people. I can drive.

Until then, I'm just gonna enjoy life as I can. Not think about the future beyond my move.

Least I'm writing these more. They help.

Goodnight

Don't drink and call the girl you don't want to find out your crushing on.

Obvious I know, but I'm not smart when I drink obviously.

Suffice it to say it resulted in me saying something noone was supposed to find out. Also smashing my iPhone which I gracefully discarded by throwing it 30 feet off of a balcony, and upsetting another girl I also cared for. 

Anyways, been meaning to blog for awhile. Still in this beautiful state. Not much has happened since my last entry. Too much drinking. I stripped for a bunch of girls on a stripper pole, all which is foolishly recorded on my video camera. It is also totally out of character for me, especially conscious of my body like I can be sometimes. Missed Owl City, which is very upsetting. I love them. Wen't surfing for the first time. Nothing too, too exciting.

But thier is something that I find almost as interesting as ruining things between me and one of my closest friends of the opposite gender.

Moving to Vancouver into a place with Angela.

Is this seriously happening? I don't think it has totally hit me yet, dropping everything I know and am used to. Going to a new city I've never even visited with no job lined up and a soon to be maxed out $5000 credit limit.

Sounds better everytime I think about it. It'll all kick in when I'm packing up, working my last two weeks at the best job ever, and practicing for the last time with the band. I got 3 weeks to get home, get a new iPhone, pack my stuff, decide whether I should risk driving down in the old Taurus, pay off my credit card, raise it's limit, pay rent by the 15th, enjoy my last karaoke night at the whitehouse, have one last night of cuddling and movies with the girls, have a going away party, go up to Twin Lakes and enjoy the forest, take a walk across Kinsmen beach, sip coffee with the girls, go into my awesome hot tub, play with Tucker. That's all I can think of at the moment, and dread all the things I've forgotting. It's gonna be great, and stressful.

Back to moving though. I've said tons of times that this was gonna happen, and it always falls through. I'm very determined to make it work this time. I can't think of many better people I would want to live with. Angela is such a good friend of mine, and has always been very good to me. Also nice to know I won't be alone. As much as I enjoy being by myself, it's always comforting to know someone is there if things get to be too much and I know she'll be able to help with that. And Korri of course, being close to her in itself is always a blessing. I don't need to explain to you guys how much she means to me.

So, can't wait for THAT.

On another note, my sexual energy is out of control. I'm not one to let sex take dominance over more compelling things in my brain, but it's all I can think about since I got here. I really really could use some sex. And not just a sexual release, which is easily solved. But just to have a nice strong connection with someone even for just a night. I'm not happy here, just feels like that is what I need. And really, this is California, it should be easy to get laid. Nope. Sure have met alot of cool people though.

Venting done......I feel much better.

Can't wait to be home at least for a short while.

This is what I have been waiting for.

I finally found the experience in California I was anticipating, and as much fun as my last few trips here were, I never had it until Friday night.

We started out the day with a plan to find a beach, see the ocean, and swim in it. 

Did we ever.

After taking the ferry across the Bay from Oakland, with it's beautiful views of the cargo yards and the famous Alcatraz, we slipped off the busy streets of Embarcadero down into the subway. Shortly after being warned by a friendly black worker that "If we put that 20 dollar bill in that machine you'll have so many quarters you'll be like Santa Claus with all that jingling!", we headed to the change machine and simply put some "dollar pieces?" in the turnstyle.

About 30 minutes later we get off at Ocean Beach. After sipping some latte's and enjoying some cigarettes we crossed the freeway and spotted a cute blonde surfer girl. Ian, the confident man he can be after a few drinks, went up and kindly asked her which way to the beach. She pointed over the hill and we started following her up into the sand.

My god the ocean beach is so fucking beautiful. I've seen the ocean, and been on it lots. But walking over that hill for the first time and seeing sand far as the eye can see in either direction, and the waves crashing on the water, put me at instant ease. Amazing.

We of course, explained we were from Canada and sparked instant interest in the surfer girl and her two friends. Her name was Brittany, and she introduced us to another Ian (Like one isn't enough! :P ) and for the life of me I can't remember the other girls name.

Anyways, we offered them some beers and chatted with them for while before changing and heading for the waters. God damn the water is fucking salty. Ian had told me it was bad, but christ. It tasted good though. New. Unfamilar. 

So not too bore you on the small details, I'll skip ahead.

To the beach party.

We showed up and every fire pit, all shaped like star fish, were occupied by young partiers. About 150 people spread across the beach every 15 feet, drinking and listening to music. We managed to talk some English school kids to let us join thiers. Note, bring some wood and you'll always be welcome. The bottle of jager helped too, of course. After meeting a whole diverse of strange  and beautiful people from all over the world all the young kids took off. Then things got really fun.

Thier was only about 5 of us, but we sat around that fire for hours, belting out Tom Petty and sharing drinks and stories. A feeling of isolation was heavy on us. A great feeling. We were the only fire in the world. It was so, god, damn, beautiful. 

Then the cops show up and go from pit to pit telling people to quiet down and start packing up. We slyly got them to let us stay and let the fire burn down.

Things then went from peaceful singing on a California beach, to a crazy wall to wall house party a few blocks up. A good hundred people packed into a small apartment right beside the muni station.  Damn being Canadian gets you attention. I spent at least an hour doing circles around the place, surrounded by attractive girls asking me about Canada. It was fairly overwhelming. Everyone was very accepting and friendly. Totally different than what I'm used to partying with a bunch of hicks around a bonfire. I never felt like I was being judged, although I'm sure it was thier. Just not as apparent.

And then, SUPRISE, cops show up again. Some belligerant fellow answered the door, angering the friendly policemen who were simply going to tell us to keep it down. They shut us down.

Well what the hell are a bunch of college surfer kids supposed to do at 2am when our party gets shut down?

All stagger onto the muni and go 5 blocks down to the next one of course! Numbers dwindled as we made our way there and it ended up just being a few of us sitting around chatting until the host decided she wanted to sleep.

We proceeded to walk home. This is where Ian (the new one) thought it might be a good idea to try to smash every god damn car window on the way to his house. At first it was simply trying to keep him cool enough not to get anyone else hostile. 

Until the car alarm went off. Fuck this is too much. We run about a block down and he continues his rampage. Luckily we made it back before any authorities could show up, where me and my bro would simply tell them....

"This fucking moron started following us on a rampage sir! Were just vacationing from Canada!"

Best night ever.

We woke up, thirsty with heavily swelled brains, and went for breakfast. My damn debit card didn't work thwe new Ian paid thankfully. After a cigarette and the realization that the clouds in the sky were telling us we should head back to Oakland, we hopped on the muni back to the ferry building.

That is what I have been waiting for. I wish I could explain it better.

Videos that are soon to on facebook will give you a better idea of some of the antics that ensued.

On another topic. I really do love writing, but am not very good at it. I need practice. Maybe hire a editor, hah. The schooling is helping but it's frustrating to write these. I enjoy telling stories but have no form, and my lack of exposure to literature and school have really drained my vocabulary and knowledge. I'm working at it.

Goodnight from my most beloved city, updates soon I hope.

The city seems close.

Once again, I've been neglecting to blog.

It's strange. I get very contemplative when I'm hungover. After a insane night of partying at the bar, staying up will 6 and getting to work 2 hours later, I want to blog more than anything. So much stuff comes to me that I just wanna get out but by the time I get home I lose the motivation. Probably a result of the alcohol that puts me in that state but I find it interesting.

So I was gonna try to put in all the stuff I've been thinking about the last few weeks, but I think I'll go in a different direction. And to lead in I will tell you about my phone call with Angela last night.

It was my day off today so last night I stayed up fairly late. I spent the night running various games and getting the most out of my rig. I then lied down and started watching House as I do every night before sleep. After about one episode it's about 2AM and my phone dings at me. "

"Who could this be?"

Angela.

"You still up?"

I lightly giggled. Oh here we go, drunk texting.

"Sure am, what's up?" I replied.

My phone then rang and sure enough, it was Angela, at a bar. She seemed fairly sober. She told me she was feeling lonely and wanted someone to talk to. I felt kinda flattered actually. Nice to know people so far away think about me at times like these. To sum things up, we had a very lengthy discussion about a large variety of things. Me moving down there, girls, boy and whatever came to mind. It was a very open conversation. They are my favourite although rare it seems.

Anyways, that was great. It made my night. But one of the questions she asked me was about how Native Americans or Indians are represented in videogames. She was doing something with her class about media and blah blah, whatever.  I was kinda taken by suprise by it though. This is what fascinates the most about videogames. The culture behind it, how the companies approach marketing their craft, ect. I had never thought about this one. I told her that I didn't think they were underrepresented in any way.

Apparently, I was wrong. This is the beginning of a series of entries I will be writing analyzing games and their impact on culture and economics. Things such as violence in videogames, sex in videogames and how woman are portrayed in them (This one I find VERY interesting).

Here's to you Angela.

Despite what I thought,  Native Americans are very under-represented in videogames. Back in the 1980's, there was almost virtually no indigenious characters in videogames. Things were a lot different back then as they were not in many other veins of popular culture. Besides the oh so familar Mario Bro's, this wasn't a huge trend. Their was one game in the 80's, Custer's Revenge, that features the apparent rape of a Native American girl. It sparked a lot of controversy from woman's rights groups and Native American activists.

In the 1990's, we had one of the first games to have a centralized Native American hero character. "Turok: Dinosaur Hunter" was released for the Nintendo 64 in 1997.  The gameplay itself was highly praised and was a huge selling title on the platform, but it also held all the stereotypes we usually give to Native Americans, feathers, mystic powers, ect. I can't really decide if that should be considered bad or not, as that IS a very important part of their culture as far as I understand. Their was also some other Native American characters in games but they still were not very dominant.

Between 2000 and 2005, the Native American presence in videogames had completely dwindled. But in 2006, we had a new game coming out with a Native American hero.

It was titled "Prey". Prey is a First Person Shooter revolving around a Cherokee hero. The game begins on a reservation in Oklahoma at a casino (okay, THAT's a stereotype). The game then jumps into a sci-fi alien story that is very compelling from what I have heard. I haven't played the game for more than an hour.lIt seems to, on the most part, fairly represent the Native American culture. A few stereotypes might include the use of a bow and arrow, and a spirit form where you exit your body. From what I remember, these were both used as very defining gameplay elements and weren't simply tacked on to support the native theme. Two voice actors, the main lead and another supporting role, are both Plains Cree and felt like 3D realms did a great job of representing the culture.

Other than what I've posted, their have not been many more titles to truly represent Native American's as a culture. Not sure what the reasons are behind this, but game companies DO know what sells and what doesn't. I will be keeping an eye out from now on in the games I play to take notice of Native American characters and how they are portrayed.

So thank you Angela, you've got interested into an area of the videogame culture I may never have looked into, and I hope I helped you be little more informed yourself.

*Many of the information here was derived from THIS ARTICLE.

This post will probably be one of the first entries into my new blog I'll be doing, focused solely on videogames. Next I'll be writing about how woman are potrayed in videogames possibly coupled with sex. 

That felt....good. Stay tuned.

20

I really want to write.

Why is it so hard to do it?

What should I write about?

Fiction?

Poems?

I have very little motivation.

Meh.

Two post's in what? Three days?

Wow, I'm actually writing a post within a week of my last one. Something must be up.

Had a great night last night. Went to my friends house and got pretty damn inebriated. It was supposed to be the peak night for the meteor shower, so we all went to the skatepark and lied in the bowl. We only saw a few shooting stars but it was a very nice experience.

There was some drama as usual. My buddies girlfriend and my other buddy were hitting on eachother all night, so there was quite a few times where I thought fists were gonna start flying. It never happened though, thankfully. We will see how that turns out. Ryan actually got off his pot-smoking ass and came out to chill for once. I really miss hanging out with him. Him and Olivia need to just get back together like they always do so things can go back to normal. He said he's finally getting sick of smoking pot all the time. I was kinda suprised since my phase of getting stoned all the time went on for a few years. As bad as it sounds, I hope he comes out and starts drinking with us again.

I talked to the girl on the phone Tuesday night I think it was. I got suprised. I told her about me going to California about 2 weeks after her getting back from Edmonton, and she was really upset. I honestly didn't think she would get as upset as she did. It was....partially comforting. And then we got into me moving down to Vancouver in October, and she got even more upset. She wants me to stay, but I don't think she realizes that our situation is at the point that I don't think it could EVER work. Well, maybe next year it could work. That's a long ways away.

I told her we would play it out and see what happens between us. She got all silent and non-talkative as young girls tend to do, which drives me fucking nuts. Considering how open and honest I am about everything, I hate getting a god damn silent treatment. Anyways, the conversation didn't go too well.

But enough of that. 

Extra Life. Sponser me. Seriously, 24 dollars. It's nothing, and it will help alot of kids.

GO HERE!

I've been reading all your blogs though. It makes me want to come down to the coast even more.

For now, that is all......

This is the title.

Things are....stressful.

I've found myself stuck in a large, tangling web of foolish personal and morale decisions. I made them to, well, feel happy. And at times, they succeed. But it hasn't lasted long and the small doses I'm getting aren't quite cutting it.

Remember the girl I mentioned in the last post? The one that I said relations with would swiftly fall apart? Well they, despite our best efforts, most certainly have. I am being judged by a vast number of people, mainly from the concern of parents.

Understandable. With the reputation I have in this town I am far from suprised. I suppose if I was what they think I am, I would be concerned for my daughter too. But really? I think I am probably one of the more responsible and good natured people a person could hang out with. Yes, I do drink alot. Way too much. But I'm working on it. And having a love interest sure helps it alot easier not to fall back into it. Is my household really so tarnished that people think thier children or friends are unsafe here? That's why I welcome these people into my home. Kids WILL drink. Whether or not they have somewhere to go or not isn't going to change that. I know only too well what happens when you are having too much fun at a place much too dangerous.

So what do I do? 

Simple answer. 

Leave.

Sounds fairly cowardly maybe? Not at all. I'm too comfortable here. I'm so familar with this town. I feel sheltered. I keep grasping on to relationships, all very un-realistic, all in an effort to fell good for a bit. 

I'm such a sucker.

I need to go to a city, find a girl that doesn't require copius amounts of liquor to have fun. One that....well, I can just sit and game with, heh. Would be nice, but someone creative. Open-minded. More importantly......older. I've gone into this before, so I'll lay off a bit. Would just be nice to have someone to hold, to be honest with me, to appreciate.

I'm so damn conflicted and flustered I can't even enjoy the beautiful and engaging narratives of all the masterpiece games I play, which is saying something as that is where I usually feel the most content and inspired.

But on another note. I few things outside of my desire to leave this town and my constant female drama.

I still have been unable to commit to checking out all the other blogs of the people who I care about here. You guys are so damn great, so intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and really, I want to know what's going on in your lives. 

Also, California is happening. Well, that's the plan. September and I will on the beaches of San Francisco drinking daquari's (have I said that before?) and deciding if the waves are good enough for surfing.

I can't fucking wait. Having a face to face chat with my Mom will make me feel SO much better. Just being in the city makes me happy. Seeing what it's like away form this isolated town.

And Vancouver. I'm coming. Soon Soon Soon. Not quite quick enough, but I will be there. 

Back to gaming, Extra Life is only two months away! I'm excited!!! What could be better than helping support one of the best research hospitals in the world by simply playing games? Well, people sponsering me could be better, but I'm not concerned. It's not a competition. The site is gonna do great, but every little bit helps. It is very comforting knowing I will be a part of it. 

I'm not gonna put a huge plug for it in here, just go read my last post for some more info. But here's the link if you wanna donate.

https://waystogive.texaschildrens.org/netcommunity/ExtraLIfeSGFundraiser

Beyond (BEYOND!) that their isn't too much else to say. Things are getting shaky for me though. Treading on unsafe ground, that much is certain.

Will do my best to blog more.

Thank you SO much to the people who read this, and even if I don't comment, I'm coming to read yours right now. Promise!

Extra Life

Hello friends.

I guess I'm SLOWLY starting to do these a little more often than I have, and I'll try to keep it up.

Also, not sure if I mentioned this in my last post, but I have been neglectful in reading all of your fine blogs, which I'm also gonna work on. Ever since I got my new computer, it's been a little difficult to keep myself off the games.

So.

I'm not really gonna go into anything personal here. Band is....going. Girl situation is....awesome, although probable that it will lead to disaster. I am...happy. So that's that.

What I do want to mention is an event I'll be "taking part" in this October. It's put on by a website/social community called Sarcastic Gamer, and is a fundraiser to battle pediatric cancer. Gamers from all across the world will join together to game for a 24 hour marathon on October 17th at 8AM till the 18th at 8AM. 

Last year, after only a few months of planning, more than $120,000 was raised so I'm sure this year will be even greater. I pretty much just need to find 4 sponsers, willing to donate 1 dollar for every hour I game on this day. That's only 24 dollars per person. I'm pretty sure I can sponser myself which is good as I don't see anyone paying me to play games for 24 hours straight.

Anyways, for more info about where the money is going and what not you can go HERE. I know none of you reading this are hard core gamers, but maybe it will spark your interest in the event. You can also visit my site for participation at https://waystogive.texaschildrens.org/netcommunity/ExtraLIfeSGFundraiser

I think this is a great thing to do, especially in gaming culture. These are some of the steps that can bring gaming to be more "accepted" by mainstream media, instead of the only headline coverage being the sex scenes from Mass Effect or Grand Theft Auto. 

So yeah, if you read my posts around October time I'll update how much money has been raised and how I personally am doing in getting things together for it.

Until next time..........