Change of Heart

Okay, so I was going to take down my last post.  It comes off a fairly arrogant, and I am quite ignorant on such issues.  But, considering I've been using this blog for saying what's on my mind so far I am going to leave it up. For now.

I also might start a new one. Less personal. More about things and issues I'm curious about, but with a little more perspective and planning. My writing will also go there.

I can't remember the last time I put a piece of writing on here, or if I have even but I am going to right now.

This has been a draft for a good 2 weeks now. I kept adding to but stopped about a week ago. Every time I read it I like it more and more. Some of the sentences seem a bit rough though, so I'd like to go back and revise it a bit. Not sure how far I want to take it, but I like where it's going.

Also going to include, afterwards, the dream I had that inspired the piece. Korri mentioned on my FB that I should add on it more but I didn't feel like I should. That changed.

AND it comes to an abrupt halt because it was early morning when I write the last bit.

ENJOY

I woke up with Greed resting her head on my neck. She gently nudged me and whispered in my ear.

"What do you want most in the world?"

I didn't know how to answer.

"I'm not sure".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walking up the cement stairs out of my apartment and feeling the moisture on my skin is always a welcome "Hello". Rain rarely hits the ground in this place. So damn hot all the time. It's no wonder I found a room almost underground. Much cooler in there. I don't even know why this is crossing my mind right now. I should be asking myself how the hell I woke up from what I can only assume was a dream, or at least something I created. The details are fading every second. All I can clearly remember is her face. How amazing she was. The people, and the house. I can't recall what it all looked like. The conversations I had. It went all wrong though. Quickly.

I was headed to Mandolins for a coffee, something I usually do when I am thinking. Mandolins is a very calming place. A small coffee shop on the corner of my street. I sat down in one of the few chairs. They always have dangerously cute girls working here, who I always feebly attempt to flirt with, usually resulting in disappointment. Too much of artists these girls.

A few days carried on. I am supposed to be finding some sort of employment, although it is hardly necessary. I have enough money in my account to afford myself, along with a few others, a long lifetime of care free living. I always find it unfair that I should be given so much opportunity. All based on chance. Typical story. Born to rich parents. They were killed in an unsolved homicide. When I say unsolved, in no way do I mean that their was ever much of an investigation. I still haven't found out what they did or why they seemed to be victims of such distaste by, well, everyone. I haven't really been all that curious even. Despite all that, the result was me growing up with a very indulgent lifestyle. Never really longing for anything, as almost anything I could think of was easily attainable. I can safely say I've experienced more of what is out there than mostly anyone my age. Which is 18, by the way. It isn't too hard to find time for travel when your name is pretty much paying for your honor roll.

AND THE DREAM I HAD

I don't quite remember how I ended up in her car that day, I just know that's when it all began. We were going to her house, and had just met. She was a very quiet girl. Small figure, black hair, soft skin. We got to her house and she showed me around. It was like nothing I had ever seen. It resembled an old, ruined castle, with crumbled stone everywhere except where the house stood. A very tidy house, oak doors and tile everywhere. There was one large tower standing. I later learned this is where her room was, and where I would be spending alot of my time.

We had a party that night, with all the people we knew. It seemed strange for her to be hosting a party, for someone so quiet and uneasy around large groups of people. I did'nt drink that night, something was holding me back. The next morning I met her parents. Very nice people. I can't recall the conversations I had with them. I just remember a room, packed full of things. Books, stone and wood carvings, tables and willow chairs. Next thing that comes to mind is sitting on her couch in her room, with her in my arms, being happier then I had been in a very long time. There was something about this girl. Something that makes me just wish I could remember her name, remember the details of who she was. Or to get to know her more. She told me once, that everyday, she would split her hair into a thousand strands and color it peice by peice. I'm not sure why that sticks out in my memory so much.

One day, maybe two weeks after our first encounter, I remember sitting up at the top of that large tower, in her tiny little bed. We did this quite often, although I don't remember anything about these select times. Anyways, she asked me to marry her that day. I can see the look in her eyes, the way she said it, the earnest of expressions on her face.

Why can't I just remeber her name? So many clear memories, but why not the name?


I wasn't sure what to tell her. I could spend the rest of my life up in this tower, with this girl. But marriage? I hated the word. I told her I needed to think, and walked down the spiral stairs into her kitchen. Things went all wrong here. I need to go to the hospital. If I could only explain why.....why I was feeling pain, like my mouth was suctioned closed. Why I needed to leave so bad. She must have heard me of course because she was there right away, as she always was. I was going to call for help, but something told me I couldn't bring anyone to this house. Couldn't share my bliss with the world.

So I ran to the front yard, maybe a vehicle would come. And so it did.

A familar face, asking me how I was doing. I told him I wanted a ride. That I wasn't feeling very well. His response was more than friendly.

"Sure, I'll give you a ride"

It's what he said afterwards that had confused me so much.

"We can take you, but I think your friends too big"

What? The girl? Couldn't have meant her. She needed to come. I couldn't go alone. And then I turned around.

She wasn't there.

Nothing was there. No house. No girl. Not those oh-so-familar oak doors I had walked in so many times.

It was replaced, by a large field, and two of my close friends standing right in front of me. I asked them where she was, where the house was. They gave me puzzled looks and told me they had no idea what I was talking about. That I had been with them for two weeks, watching TV and doing what we always did.

Of course, I didn't believe them. I had been in this house, with this girl.

Bliss.

And now they tell me it never happened.

I argued and argued to no end, until finally....

I woke up.




Amazing how you can have dreams so enjoyable, so full of beauty and happiness, that when you wake up, you almost wish they had never happened. That you did just have a dream of relaxing at a friends.

Something normal.

If I could just remember her name.........


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Just to be clear, this is an actual dream I had about 6 months ago. If only I could put all the emotions and pictures into writing. This is the best I could do.