City Livin'

Once again, I've heavily been denying this blog. Their are a few contributing reasons for this.

First, is a lack of creative motivation, but I'll get into that.

Update on things so far. I totally love this city. It's beautiful, and the small bit I have experienced of it tells me that my love for it will continue to grow. That being said, I'm fucking stressed. And lonely. I never actually knew the what the plague of not having sufficient amounts of cash felt like. I'm feeling it now. I got a job dish washing at this Asian place on Granville and it is awesome. Besides washing dishes, which is fucking dreadful work and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, everyone I work with are all very cool. And mostly Asian. I don't think I've touched on my fascination for Asian culture and how it intrigues me. Those of you who are frequent facebookers know enough, with my more than excessive linking of Korean and Japanese pop songs.

As for being lonely, well. I miss a few people. I think it's just the holidays. Everyone is back home with their families and it makes me miss being home, or what was home.

The immediate feelings I have with the money and the loneliness SEEMS to be worse than the stress I was dealing with back home with the girls and the drama, but when I deeply think about it, that is not the case. I am most definitely in a better state of mind here overall. Just gotta get my feet on solid ground, as it were, and things will become more comfortable.

I just noticed how scattered my thoughts seem here, but bear with me.

Onto my lack of creative motivation.

When I first conceived this whole idea of moving out of a small redneck town into a large city full of culture, I had a few ideas about how that would change me. Is assumptious a word? *EDIT When I did the spellcheck it said it's not. Rather than try to find some other joining term, I just deleted it. It should be a word. I thought that I would move down here, and start using my free time to tune my interests in more creative endeavors rather than simply enjoying them with my more than obsessive gaming addiction. I told myself I was going to, for lack of a better term, re-create who I was portraying myself as. Not to say I won't be exactly who I feel I should be, as I'm happy with myself as I am. I think I touch on this a few posts back.

ANYWAYS, that is simply not the case. I've finally realized what it means to say that where you come from doesn't make who you are. I still play games for about 8-10 hours a day. I still feebly attempt to write a song, learn to animate, write a creative piece, only to eventually give up and carry on gaming. Exactly how things were back in Invermere.

Which is another that seems to be bothering me as of late. I am doing almost EXACTLY THE SAME THING as I was doing before I moved, but making MUCH less money and being far more lonely. Notice how I'm using bolds and italics? THAT is the peak of my creative energy! So at times I'm feeling like this move wasn't something I wanted as much as I thought I did.

But then, there are the times when I know this is what I should have done. The first night me and Korri hung out. Ate strange Asian food and watched sailor moon. When me and Angela go downtown and end up drinking until 4 am and not remembering how we got home. When me and Shawny sipped wine and watched Love, Actually. These are things that I enjoyed back home but never really appreciated. Those moments that are so memorable, but if done too much too frequently become stale. And I feel like those moments here are always changing and always different. Burlesque in a lesbian bar one night. A night of pool in a sports bar the next. Moments such as these are why I love it here. I just need to promise myself that I won't over indulge too much. I need to learn how fleeting life can be. I think I need to go re-read Tom Wolfe's The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and get things in perspective a little more.

Wow. This post took a whole different direction then when I attended on when I started it.

I feel like I have more to say, but it's all too cluttered.

Also, I wish at times I wasn't so socially inept. Anyone who is close to me probably thinks this is a ludicrous statement. Something I will work on.

Oh, and I want G-dragon's hair. Or Cloud Strife from FF7. I wish I was an anime character.

Merry Christmas. And Happy New Years.

P.S. RIP to The Reverend, and my heart is out to the Canadian journalist who was killed in Afghan. The first since we went in 8 years ago.

Rent is paid.

Holy shit. 

2 days and I'm gone from here for who knows how long. I've been feeling nervous about it, but now I'm excited. I mean, I'm roomies with Angela. That is so random and awesome. Exactly what I need. Money is really troubling me though. All my plans didn't work out so I had to borrow rent money from my Dad. Not to mention what I need to actually get down there and survive for a month. And then their is January's rent. Not sure if I'm gonna be able to get a pay cheque quick enough to make it. All you guys must worry about this constantly.  This is gonna be healthy for me.

Sadly, all my excitement and anticipation is drowned out by the fact that the rest of my life is a fucking disaster. I won't even get started on girls again. 2 more days and I'll be away from every single crazy bitch and every single beautiful girl I know and I won't have to ever deal with their nonsense. I can meet NEW ones and deal with THEIR nonsense. Awesome.

But really, my mom's in the hospital down in Oakland. I don't even know how I feel. She had a stroke, apparently can't speak and is not in very good condition. I'm worried, but at the same time maybe I'm in denial about the whole thing. Like I'm just assuming things will work out for the best. On top of that, if BC Medicare decides they don't want to help her, well, then she is really totally fucked. 

I don't know what to think anymore. The only thing I feel sure about is that this move is gonna be good. I have no idea if it is what I want right now, but it is gonna be good.

So I'm....happy?

I think so.

I am

going to toss myself into the city.

Here's to hoping all goes well.

Anticipation

Less than 2 weeks.

Holy god.

In a way, I can't be more excited. Getting out of here is the right thing to do, and whenever I question myself on this move I just remember that.  I need it.  I want it despite certain feelings I have about leaving. I'm really happy right now, which makes it a little tougher. I know I will be happy in Vancouver, but I also know their will be many lonely nights. Thankfully, I have a lot of friends down there and more seem to be going as the months roll on. I'm also find myself to be a fairly enjoyable person to be in the company of so meeting people won't be any sort of issue I'm sure.

Some stuff just bothers me. My grandparents are at an age where my time with them is running short. Having neglecting to spend time with them in the last few years is really hitting right now. What will I miss out on when I'm gone? What will everyone I know miss while I'm there? 

Besides all that though, this is gonna be fucking great. I'm made for the city. 

And Taylor tells me I'll be there just in time for Bass Hunter. Excited.

Fortunately, I am playing Warcraft again, which is my go to addiction when I'm upset or lonely. Some crazy shit has happened in the last few weeks, but hopping on vent and chatting with the guildies and all my old friends that are still going strong always alleviates the stress of my current problems. I can't begin to say how much I love that game. It is, in my opinion, the strongest representation of humanity. At it's finest. Even more than the "real world" because mostly everyone is themselves, depending on what you interpret that term as. It will get me through any rough times I have as it always does.

The city awaits...and I'm totally not ready. It will be grand.

P.S. 17january1956, who are you? Forgive me, but you commented on my California post and it's kept me curious ever since.

"Where will or can this world take me?"

I wrote that line 7 years ago in my book, while pondering downtown.

I feel no closer to an answer.

I can't decide if that is discouraging or not. I have decided so many times "I know what I want to do", and it changes every 6 months. I wanna design games. I wanna write. I wanna play music. I'm torn between so many things that I can't seem to focus on anything, and when I look back on how far I've come in any of those areas it seems like now where. Lately it's been writing but I haven't been able to force, or otherwise, any desire to write about any subject, topic, experiece, thought, or emotion that comes to me. And when I do, I lack the words to get it out in any compelling or interesting sentence. 

And it is SO GOD DAMN aggravating. I think that experience is what hinders me the most. Can't design games without studying and practicing game design. Can't get better at drums without studying and practicing music. Can't get good at writing without studying and practicing writing. Now that all seems all quite easy to fix. Simply, start doing that. So why can't I motivate myself? I think I might spend too much time indulging in all these areas I love so much. Although these things seem like they would healthy things to be addicted to that is just not the case. I might have written about this all before, but I'm realizing it burdening me more and more as time passes.

I guess I'll just wait until I'm all settled down in Vancouver to work on these things. Despite all my stress, I have a feeling my mind will be clear there. And being surrounded by some art and culture will be healthy for me. Being in California should do the trick, especially in this city, but where do I go? What do I go see? I know nothing of this city. And it costs money to get anywhere which I'm lacking. Vancouver should be better. I'll know people. I can drive.

Until then, I'm just gonna enjoy life as I can. Not think about the future beyond my move.

Least I'm writing these more. They help.

Goodnight

Don't drink and call the girl you don't want to find out your crushing on.

Obvious I know, but I'm not smart when I drink obviously.

Suffice it to say it resulted in me saying something noone was supposed to find out. Also smashing my iPhone which I gracefully discarded by throwing it 30 feet off of a balcony, and upsetting another girl I also cared for. 

Anyways, been meaning to blog for awhile. Still in this beautiful state. Not much has happened since my last entry. Too much drinking. I stripped for a bunch of girls on a stripper pole, all which is foolishly recorded on my video camera. It is also totally out of character for me, especially conscious of my body like I can be sometimes. Missed Owl City, which is very upsetting. I love them. Wen't surfing for the first time. Nothing too, too exciting.

But thier is something that I find almost as interesting as ruining things between me and one of my closest friends of the opposite gender.

Moving to Vancouver into a place with Angela.

Is this seriously happening? I don't think it has totally hit me yet, dropping everything I know and am used to. Going to a new city I've never even visited with no job lined up and a soon to be maxed out $5000 credit limit.

Sounds better everytime I think about it. It'll all kick in when I'm packing up, working my last two weeks at the best job ever, and practicing for the last time with the band. I got 3 weeks to get home, get a new iPhone, pack my stuff, decide whether I should risk driving down in the old Taurus, pay off my credit card, raise it's limit, pay rent by the 15th, enjoy my last karaoke night at the whitehouse, have one last night of cuddling and movies with the girls, have a going away party, go up to Twin Lakes and enjoy the forest, take a walk across Kinsmen beach, sip coffee with the girls, go into my awesome hot tub, play with Tucker. That's all I can think of at the moment, and dread all the things I've forgotting. It's gonna be great, and stressful.

Back to moving though. I've said tons of times that this was gonna happen, and it always falls through. I'm very determined to make it work this time. I can't think of many better people I would want to live with. Angela is such a good friend of mine, and has always been very good to me. Also nice to know I won't be alone. As much as I enjoy being by myself, it's always comforting to know someone is there if things get to be too much and I know she'll be able to help with that. And Korri of course, being close to her in itself is always a blessing. I don't need to explain to you guys how much she means to me.

So, can't wait for THAT.

On another note, my sexual energy is out of control. I'm not one to let sex take dominance over more compelling things in my brain, but it's all I can think about since I got here. I really really could use some sex. And not just a sexual release, which is easily solved. But just to have a nice strong connection with someone even for just a night. I'm not happy here, just feels like that is what I need. And really, this is California, it should be easy to get laid. Nope. Sure have met alot of cool people though.

Venting done......I feel much better.

Can't wait to be home at least for a short while.

This is what I have been waiting for.

I finally found the experience in California I was anticipating, and as much fun as my last few trips here were, I never had it until Friday night.

We started out the day with a plan to find a beach, see the ocean, and swim in it. 

Did we ever.

After taking the ferry across the Bay from Oakland, with it's beautiful views of the cargo yards and the famous Alcatraz, we slipped off the busy streets of Embarcadero down into the subway. Shortly after being warned by a friendly black worker that "If we put that 20 dollar bill in that machine you'll have so many quarters you'll be like Santa Claus with all that jingling!", we headed to the change machine and simply put some "dollar pieces?" in the turnstyle.

About 30 minutes later we get off at Ocean Beach. After sipping some latte's and enjoying some cigarettes we crossed the freeway and spotted a cute blonde surfer girl. Ian, the confident man he can be after a few drinks, went up and kindly asked her which way to the beach. She pointed over the hill and we started following her up into the sand.

My god the ocean beach is so fucking beautiful. I've seen the ocean, and been on it lots. But walking over that hill for the first time and seeing sand far as the eye can see in either direction, and the waves crashing on the water, put me at instant ease. Amazing.

We of course, explained we were from Canada and sparked instant interest in the surfer girl and her two friends. Her name was Brittany, and she introduced us to another Ian (Like one isn't enough! :P ) and for the life of me I can't remember the other girls name.

Anyways, we offered them some beers and chatted with them for while before changing and heading for the waters. God damn the water is fucking salty. Ian had told me it was bad, but christ. It tasted good though. New. Unfamilar. 

So not too bore you on the small details, I'll skip ahead.

To the beach party.

We showed up and every fire pit, all shaped like star fish, were occupied by young partiers. About 150 people spread across the beach every 15 feet, drinking and listening to music. We managed to talk some English school kids to let us join thiers. Note, bring some wood and you'll always be welcome. The bottle of jager helped too, of course. After meeting a whole diverse of strange  and beautiful people from all over the world all the young kids took off. Then things got really fun.

Thier was only about 5 of us, but we sat around that fire for hours, belting out Tom Petty and sharing drinks and stories. A feeling of isolation was heavy on us. A great feeling. We were the only fire in the world. It was so, god, damn, beautiful. 

Then the cops show up and go from pit to pit telling people to quiet down and start packing up. We slyly got them to let us stay and let the fire burn down.

Things then went from peaceful singing on a California beach, to a crazy wall to wall house party a few blocks up. A good hundred people packed into a small apartment right beside the muni station.  Damn being Canadian gets you attention. I spent at least an hour doing circles around the place, surrounded by attractive girls asking me about Canada. It was fairly overwhelming. Everyone was very accepting and friendly. Totally different than what I'm used to partying with a bunch of hicks around a bonfire. I never felt like I was being judged, although I'm sure it was thier. Just not as apparent.

And then, SUPRISE, cops show up again. Some belligerant fellow answered the door, angering the friendly policemen who were simply going to tell us to keep it down. They shut us down.

Well what the hell are a bunch of college surfer kids supposed to do at 2am when our party gets shut down?

All stagger onto the muni and go 5 blocks down to the next one of course! Numbers dwindled as we made our way there and it ended up just being a few of us sitting around chatting until the host decided she wanted to sleep.

We proceeded to walk home. This is where Ian (the new one) thought it might be a good idea to try to smash every god damn car window on the way to his house. At first it was simply trying to keep him cool enough not to get anyone else hostile. 

Until the car alarm went off. Fuck this is too much. We run about a block down and he continues his rampage. Luckily we made it back before any authorities could show up, where me and my bro would simply tell them....

"This fucking moron started following us on a rampage sir! Were just vacationing from Canada!"

Best night ever.

We woke up, thirsty with heavily swelled brains, and went for breakfast. My damn debit card didn't work thwe new Ian paid thankfully. After a cigarette and the realization that the clouds in the sky were telling us we should head back to Oakland, we hopped on the muni back to the ferry building.

That is what I have been waiting for. I wish I could explain it better.

Videos that are soon to on facebook will give you a better idea of some of the antics that ensued.

On another topic. I really do love writing, but am not very good at it. I need practice. Maybe hire a editor, hah. The schooling is helping but it's frustrating to write these. I enjoy telling stories but have no form, and my lack of exposure to literature and school have really drained my vocabulary and knowledge. I'm working at it.

Goodnight from my most beloved city, updates soon I hope.