"Where will or can this world take me?"

I wrote that line 7 years ago in my book, while pondering downtown.

I feel no closer to an answer.

I can't decide if that is discouraging or not. I have decided so many times "I know what I want to do", and it changes every 6 months. I wanna design games. I wanna write. I wanna play music. I'm torn between so many things that I can't seem to focus on anything, and when I look back on how far I've come in any of those areas it seems like now where. Lately it's been writing but I haven't been able to force, or otherwise, any desire to write about any subject, topic, experiece, thought, or emotion that comes to me. And when I do, I lack the words to get it out in any compelling or interesting sentence. 

And it is SO GOD DAMN aggravating. I think that experience is what hinders me the most. Can't design games without studying and practicing game design. Can't get better at drums without studying and practicing music. Can't get good at writing without studying and practicing writing. Now that all seems all quite easy to fix. Simply, start doing that. So why can't I motivate myself? I think I might spend too much time indulging in all these areas I love so much. Although these things seem like they would healthy things to be addicted to that is just not the case. I might have written about this all before, but I'm realizing it burdening me more and more as time passes.

I guess I'll just wait until I'm all settled down in Vancouver to work on these things. Despite all my stress, I have a feeling my mind will be clear there. And being surrounded by some art and culture will be healthy for me. Being in California should do the trick, especially in this city, but where do I go? What do I go see? I know nothing of this city. And it costs money to get anywhere which I'm lacking. Vancouver should be better. I'll know people. I can drive.

Until then, I'm just gonna enjoy life as I can. Not think about the future beyond my move.

Least I'm writing these more. They help.

Goodnight

Don't drink and call the girl you don't want to find out your crushing on.

Obvious I know, but I'm not smart when I drink obviously.

Suffice it to say it resulted in me saying something noone was supposed to find out. Also smashing my iPhone which I gracefully discarded by throwing it 30 feet off of a balcony, and upsetting another girl I also cared for. 

Anyways, been meaning to blog for awhile. Still in this beautiful state. Not much has happened since my last entry. Too much drinking. I stripped for a bunch of girls on a stripper pole, all which is foolishly recorded on my video camera. It is also totally out of character for me, especially conscious of my body like I can be sometimes. Missed Owl City, which is very upsetting. I love them. Wen't surfing for the first time. Nothing too, too exciting.

But thier is something that I find almost as interesting as ruining things between me and one of my closest friends of the opposite gender.

Moving to Vancouver into a place with Angela.

Is this seriously happening? I don't think it has totally hit me yet, dropping everything I know and am used to. Going to a new city I've never even visited with no job lined up and a soon to be maxed out $5000 credit limit.

Sounds better everytime I think about it. It'll all kick in when I'm packing up, working my last two weeks at the best job ever, and practicing for the last time with the band. I got 3 weeks to get home, get a new iPhone, pack my stuff, decide whether I should risk driving down in the old Taurus, pay off my credit card, raise it's limit, pay rent by the 15th, enjoy my last karaoke night at the whitehouse, have one last night of cuddling and movies with the girls, have a going away party, go up to Twin Lakes and enjoy the forest, take a walk across Kinsmen beach, sip coffee with the girls, go into my awesome hot tub, play with Tucker. That's all I can think of at the moment, and dread all the things I've forgotting. It's gonna be great, and stressful.

Back to moving though. I've said tons of times that this was gonna happen, and it always falls through. I'm very determined to make it work this time. I can't think of many better people I would want to live with. Angela is such a good friend of mine, and has always been very good to me. Also nice to know I won't be alone. As much as I enjoy being by myself, it's always comforting to know someone is there if things get to be too much and I know she'll be able to help with that. And Korri of course, being close to her in itself is always a blessing. I don't need to explain to you guys how much she means to me.

So, can't wait for THAT.

On another note, my sexual energy is out of control. I'm not one to let sex take dominance over more compelling things in my brain, but it's all I can think about since I got here. I really really could use some sex. And not just a sexual release, which is easily solved. But just to have a nice strong connection with someone even for just a night. I'm not happy here, just feels like that is what I need. And really, this is California, it should be easy to get laid. Nope. Sure have met alot of cool people though.

Venting done......I feel much better.

Can't wait to be home at least for a short while.

This is what I have been waiting for.

I finally found the experience in California I was anticipating, and as much fun as my last few trips here were, I never had it until Friday night.

We started out the day with a plan to find a beach, see the ocean, and swim in it. 

Did we ever.

After taking the ferry across the Bay from Oakland, with it's beautiful views of the cargo yards and the famous Alcatraz, we slipped off the busy streets of Embarcadero down into the subway. Shortly after being warned by a friendly black worker that "If we put that 20 dollar bill in that machine you'll have so many quarters you'll be like Santa Claus with all that jingling!", we headed to the change machine and simply put some "dollar pieces?" in the turnstyle.

About 30 minutes later we get off at Ocean Beach. After sipping some latte's and enjoying some cigarettes we crossed the freeway and spotted a cute blonde surfer girl. Ian, the confident man he can be after a few drinks, went up and kindly asked her which way to the beach. She pointed over the hill and we started following her up into the sand.

My god the ocean beach is so fucking beautiful. I've seen the ocean, and been on it lots. But walking over that hill for the first time and seeing sand far as the eye can see in either direction, and the waves crashing on the water, put me at instant ease. Amazing.

We of course, explained we were from Canada and sparked instant interest in the surfer girl and her two friends. Her name was Brittany, and she introduced us to another Ian (Like one isn't enough! :P ) and for the life of me I can't remember the other girls name.

Anyways, we offered them some beers and chatted with them for while before changing and heading for the waters. God damn the water is fucking salty. Ian had told me it was bad, but christ. It tasted good though. New. Unfamilar. 

So not too bore you on the small details, I'll skip ahead.

To the beach party.

We showed up and every fire pit, all shaped like star fish, were occupied by young partiers. About 150 people spread across the beach every 15 feet, drinking and listening to music. We managed to talk some English school kids to let us join thiers. Note, bring some wood and you'll always be welcome. The bottle of jager helped too, of course. After meeting a whole diverse of strange  and beautiful people from all over the world all the young kids took off. Then things got really fun.

Thier was only about 5 of us, but we sat around that fire for hours, belting out Tom Petty and sharing drinks and stories. A feeling of isolation was heavy on us. A great feeling. We were the only fire in the world. It was so, god, damn, beautiful. 

Then the cops show up and go from pit to pit telling people to quiet down and start packing up. We slyly got them to let us stay and let the fire burn down.

Things then went from peaceful singing on a California beach, to a crazy wall to wall house party a few blocks up. A good hundred people packed into a small apartment right beside the muni station.  Damn being Canadian gets you attention. I spent at least an hour doing circles around the place, surrounded by attractive girls asking me about Canada. It was fairly overwhelming. Everyone was very accepting and friendly. Totally different than what I'm used to partying with a bunch of hicks around a bonfire. I never felt like I was being judged, although I'm sure it was thier. Just not as apparent.

And then, SUPRISE, cops show up again. Some belligerant fellow answered the door, angering the friendly policemen who were simply going to tell us to keep it down. They shut us down.

Well what the hell are a bunch of college surfer kids supposed to do at 2am when our party gets shut down?

All stagger onto the muni and go 5 blocks down to the next one of course! Numbers dwindled as we made our way there and it ended up just being a few of us sitting around chatting until the host decided she wanted to sleep.

We proceeded to walk home. This is where Ian (the new one) thought it might be a good idea to try to smash every god damn car window on the way to his house. At first it was simply trying to keep him cool enough not to get anyone else hostile. 

Until the car alarm went off. Fuck this is too much. We run about a block down and he continues his rampage. Luckily we made it back before any authorities could show up, where me and my bro would simply tell them....

"This fucking moron started following us on a rampage sir! Were just vacationing from Canada!"

Best night ever.

We woke up, thirsty with heavily swelled brains, and went for breakfast. My damn debit card didn't work thwe new Ian paid thankfully. After a cigarette and the realization that the clouds in the sky were telling us we should head back to Oakland, we hopped on the muni back to the ferry building.

That is what I have been waiting for. I wish I could explain it better.

Videos that are soon to on facebook will give you a better idea of some of the antics that ensued.

On another topic. I really do love writing, but am not very good at it. I need practice. Maybe hire a editor, hah. The schooling is helping but it's frustrating to write these. I enjoy telling stories but have no form, and my lack of exposure to literature and school have really drained my vocabulary and knowledge. I'm working at it.

Goodnight from my most beloved city, updates soon I hope.

The city seems close.

Once again, I've been neglecting to blog.

It's strange. I get very contemplative when I'm hungover. After a insane night of partying at the bar, staying up will 6 and getting to work 2 hours later, I want to blog more than anything. So much stuff comes to me that I just wanna get out but by the time I get home I lose the motivation. Probably a result of the alcohol that puts me in that state but I find it interesting.

So I was gonna try to put in all the stuff I've been thinking about the last few weeks, but I think I'll go in a different direction. And to lead in I will tell you about my phone call with Angela last night.

It was my day off today so last night I stayed up fairly late. I spent the night running various games and getting the most out of my rig. I then lied down and started watching House as I do every night before sleep. After about one episode it's about 2AM and my phone dings at me. "

"Who could this be?"

Angela.

"You still up?"

I lightly giggled. Oh here we go, drunk texting.

"Sure am, what's up?" I replied.

My phone then rang and sure enough, it was Angela, at a bar. She seemed fairly sober. She told me she was feeling lonely and wanted someone to talk to. I felt kinda flattered actually. Nice to know people so far away think about me at times like these. To sum things up, we had a very lengthy discussion about a large variety of things. Me moving down there, girls, boy and whatever came to mind. It was a very open conversation. They are my favourite although rare it seems.

Anyways, that was great. It made my night. But one of the questions she asked me was about how Native Americans or Indians are represented in videogames. She was doing something with her class about media and blah blah, whatever.  I was kinda taken by suprise by it though. This is what fascinates the most about videogames. The culture behind it, how the companies approach marketing their craft, ect. I had never thought about this one. I told her that I didn't think they were underrepresented in any way.

Apparently, I was wrong. This is the beginning of a series of entries I will be writing analyzing games and their impact on culture and economics. Things such as violence in videogames, sex in videogames and how woman are portrayed in them (This one I find VERY interesting).

Here's to you Angela.

Despite what I thought,  Native Americans are very under-represented in videogames. Back in the 1980's, there was almost virtually no indigenious characters in videogames. Things were a lot different back then as they were not in many other veins of popular culture. Besides the oh so familar Mario Bro's, this wasn't a huge trend. Their was one game in the 80's, Custer's Revenge, that features the apparent rape of a Native American girl. It sparked a lot of controversy from woman's rights groups and Native American activists.

In the 1990's, we had one of the first games to have a centralized Native American hero character. "Turok: Dinosaur Hunter" was released for the Nintendo 64 in 1997.  The gameplay itself was highly praised and was a huge selling title on the platform, but it also held all the stereotypes we usually give to Native Americans, feathers, mystic powers, ect. I can't really decide if that should be considered bad or not, as that IS a very important part of their culture as far as I understand. Their was also some other Native American characters in games but they still were not very dominant.

Between 2000 and 2005, the Native American presence in videogames had completely dwindled. But in 2006, we had a new game coming out with a Native American hero.

It was titled "Prey". Prey is a First Person Shooter revolving around a Cherokee hero. The game begins on a reservation in Oklahoma at a casino (okay, THAT's a stereotype). The game then jumps into a sci-fi alien story that is very compelling from what I have heard. I haven't played the game for more than an hour.lIt seems to, on the most part, fairly represent the Native American culture. A few stereotypes might include the use of a bow and arrow, and a spirit form where you exit your body. From what I remember, these were both used as very defining gameplay elements and weren't simply tacked on to support the native theme. Two voice actors, the main lead and another supporting role, are both Plains Cree and felt like 3D realms did a great job of representing the culture.

Other than what I've posted, their have not been many more titles to truly represent Native American's as a culture. Not sure what the reasons are behind this, but game companies DO know what sells and what doesn't. I will be keeping an eye out from now on in the games I play to take notice of Native American characters and how they are portrayed.

So thank you Angela, you've got interested into an area of the videogame culture I may never have looked into, and I hope I helped you be little more informed yourself.

*Many of the information here was derived from THIS ARTICLE.

This post will probably be one of the first entries into my new blog I'll be doing, focused solely on videogames. Next I'll be writing about how woman are potrayed in videogames possibly coupled with sex. 

That felt....good. Stay tuned.

20

I really want to write.

Why is it so hard to do it?

What should I write about?

Fiction?

Poems?

I have very little motivation.

Meh.

Two post's in what? Three days?

Wow, I'm actually writing a post within a week of my last one. Something must be up.

Had a great night last night. Went to my friends house and got pretty damn inebriated. It was supposed to be the peak night for the meteor shower, so we all went to the skatepark and lied in the bowl. We only saw a few shooting stars but it was a very nice experience.

There was some drama as usual. My buddies girlfriend and my other buddy were hitting on eachother all night, so there was quite a few times where I thought fists were gonna start flying. It never happened though, thankfully. We will see how that turns out. Ryan actually got off his pot-smoking ass and came out to chill for once. I really miss hanging out with him. Him and Olivia need to just get back together like they always do so things can go back to normal. He said he's finally getting sick of smoking pot all the time. I was kinda suprised since my phase of getting stoned all the time went on for a few years. As bad as it sounds, I hope he comes out and starts drinking with us again.

I talked to the girl on the phone Tuesday night I think it was. I got suprised. I told her about me going to California about 2 weeks after her getting back from Edmonton, and she was really upset. I honestly didn't think she would get as upset as she did. It was....partially comforting. And then we got into me moving down to Vancouver in October, and she got even more upset. She wants me to stay, but I don't think she realizes that our situation is at the point that I don't think it could EVER work. Well, maybe next year it could work. That's a long ways away.

I told her we would play it out and see what happens between us. She got all silent and non-talkative as young girls tend to do, which drives me fucking nuts. Considering how open and honest I am about everything, I hate getting a god damn silent treatment. Anyways, the conversation didn't go too well.

But enough of that. 

Extra Life. Sponser me. Seriously, 24 dollars. It's nothing, and it will help alot of kids.

GO HERE!

I've been reading all your blogs though. It makes me want to come down to the coast even more.

For now, that is all......

This is the title.

Things are....stressful.

I've found myself stuck in a large, tangling web of foolish personal and morale decisions. I made them to, well, feel happy. And at times, they succeed. But it hasn't lasted long and the small doses I'm getting aren't quite cutting it.

Remember the girl I mentioned in the last post? The one that I said relations with would swiftly fall apart? Well they, despite our best efforts, most certainly have. I am being judged by a vast number of people, mainly from the concern of parents.

Understandable. With the reputation I have in this town I am far from suprised. I suppose if I was what they think I am, I would be concerned for my daughter too. But really? I think I am probably one of the more responsible and good natured people a person could hang out with. Yes, I do drink alot. Way too much. But I'm working on it. And having a love interest sure helps it alot easier not to fall back into it. Is my household really so tarnished that people think thier children or friends are unsafe here? That's why I welcome these people into my home. Kids WILL drink. Whether or not they have somewhere to go or not isn't going to change that. I know only too well what happens when you are having too much fun at a place much too dangerous.

So what do I do? 

Simple answer. 

Leave.

Sounds fairly cowardly maybe? Not at all. I'm too comfortable here. I'm so familar with this town. I feel sheltered. I keep grasping on to relationships, all very un-realistic, all in an effort to fell good for a bit. 

I'm such a sucker.

I need to go to a city, find a girl that doesn't require copius amounts of liquor to have fun. One that....well, I can just sit and game with, heh. Would be nice, but someone creative. Open-minded. More importantly......older. I've gone into this before, so I'll lay off a bit. Would just be nice to have someone to hold, to be honest with me, to appreciate.

I'm so damn conflicted and flustered I can't even enjoy the beautiful and engaging narratives of all the masterpiece games I play, which is saying something as that is where I usually feel the most content and inspired.

But on another note. I few things outside of my desire to leave this town and my constant female drama.

I still have been unable to commit to checking out all the other blogs of the people who I care about here. You guys are so damn great, so intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and really, I want to know what's going on in your lives. 

Also, California is happening. Well, that's the plan. September and I will on the beaches of San Francisco drinking daquari's (have I said that before?) and deciding if the waves are good enough for surfing.

I can't fucking wait. Having a face to face chat with my Mom will make me feel SO much better. Just being in the city makes me happy. Seeing what it's like away form this isolated town.

And Vancouver. I'm coming. Soon Soon Soon. Not quite quick enough, but I will be there. 

Back to gaming, Extra Life is only two months away! I'm excited!!! What could be better than helping support one of the best research hospitals in the world by simply playing games? Well, people sponsering me could be better, but I'm not concerned. It's not a competition. The site is gonna do great, but every little bit helps. It is very comforting knowing I will be a part of it. 

I'm not gonna put a huge plug for it in here, just go read my last post for some more info. But here's the link if you wanna donate.

https://waystogive.texaschildrens.org/netcommunity/ExtraLIfeSGFundraiser

Beyond (BEYOND!) that their isn't too much else to say. Things are getting shaky for me though. Treading on unsafe ground, that much is certain.

Will do my best to blog more.

Thank you SO much to the people who read this, and even if I don't comment, I'm coming to read yours right now. Promise!