20

I really want to write.

Why is it so hard to do it?

What should I write about?

Fiction?

Poems?

I have very little motivation.

Meh.

Two post's in what? Three days?

Wow, I'm actually writing a post within a week of my last one. Something must be up.

Had a great night last night. Went to my friends house and got pretty damn inebriated. It was supposed to be the peak night for the meteor shower, so we all went to the skatepark and lied in the bowl. We only saw a few shooting stars but it was a very nice experience.

There was some drama as usual. My buddies girlfriend and my other buddy were hitting on eachother all night, so there was quite a few times where I thought fists were gonna start flying. It never happened though, thankfully. We will see how that turns out. Ryan actually got off his pot-smoking ass and came out to chill for once. I really miss hanging out with him. Him and Olivia need to just get back together like they always do so things can go back to normal. He said he's finally getting sick of smoking pot all the time. I was kinda suprised since my phase of getting stoned all the time went on for a few years. As bad as it sounds, I hope he comes out and starts drinking with us again.

I talked to the girl on the phone Tuesday night I think it was. I got suprised. I told her about me going to California about 2 weeks after her getting back from Edmonton, and she was really upset. I honestly didn't think she would get as upset as she did. It was....partially comforting. And then we got into me moving down to Vancouver in October, and she got even more upset. She wants me to stay, but I don't think she realizes that our situation is at the point that I don't think it could EVER work. Well, maybe next year it could work. That's a long ways away.

I told her we would play it out and see what happens between us. She got all silent and non-talkative as young girls tend to do, which drives me fucking nuts. Considering how open and honest I am about everything, I hate getting a god damn silent treatment. Anyways, the conversation didn't go too well.

But enough of that. 

Extra Life. Sponser me. Seriously, 24 dollars. It's nothing, and it will help alot of kids.

GO HERE!

I've been reading all your blogs though. It makes me want to come down to the coast even more.

For now, that is all......

This is the title.

Things are....stressful.

I've found myself stuck in a large, tangling web of foolish personal and morale decisions. I made them to, well, feel happy. And at times, they succeed. But it hasn't lasted long and the small doses I'm getting aren't quite cutting it.

Remember the girl I mentioned in the last post? The one that I said relations with would swiftly fall apart? Well they, despite our best efforts, most certainly have. I am being judged by a vast number of people, mainly from the concern of parents.

Understandable. With the reputation I have in this town I am far from suprised. I suppose if I was what they think I am, I would be concerned for my daughter too. But really? I think I am probably one of the more responsible and good natured people a person could hang out with. Yes, I do drink alot. Way too much. But I'm working on it. And having a love interest sure helps it alot easier not to fall back into it. Is my household really so tarnished that people think thier children or friends are unsafe here? That's why I welcome these people into my home. Kids WILL drink. Whether or not they have somewhere to go or not isn't going to change that. I know only too well what happens when you are having too much fun at a place much too dangerous.

So what do I do? 

Simple answer. 

Leave.

Sounds fairly cowardly maybe? Not at all. I'm too comfortable here. I'm so familar with this town. I feel sheltered. I keep grasping on to relationships, all very un-realistic, all in an effort to fell good for a bit. 

I'm such a sucker.

I need to go to a city, find a girl that doesn't require copius amounts of liquor to have fun. One that....well, I can just sit and game with, heh. Would be nice, but someone creative. Open-minded. More importantly......older. I've gone into this before, so I'll lay off a bit. Would just be nice to have someone to hold, to be honest with me, to appreciate.

I'm so damn conflicted and flustered I can't even enjoy the beautiful and engaging narratives of all the masterpiece games I play, which is saying something as that is where I usually feel the most content and inspired.

But on another note. I few things outside of my desire to leave this town and my constant female drama.

I still have been unable to commit to checking out all the other blogs of the people who I care about here. You guys are so damn great, so intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and really, I want to know what's going on in your lives. 

Also, California is happening. Well, that's the plan. September and I will on the beaches of San Francisco drinking daquari's (have I said that before?) and deciding if the waves are good enough for surfing.

I can't fucking wait. Having a face to face chat with my Mom will make me feel SO much better. Just being in the city makes me happy. Seeing what it's like away form this isolated town.

And Vancouver. I'm coming. Soon Soon Soon. Not quite quick enough, but I will be there. 

Back to gaming, Extra Life is only two months away! I'm excited!!! What could be better than helping support one of the best research hospitals in the world by simply playing games? Well, people sponsering me could be better, but I'm not concerned. It's not a competition. The site is gonna do great, but every little bit helps. It is very comforting knowing I will be a part of it. 

I'm not gonna put a huge plug for it in here, just go read my last post for some more info. But here's the link if you wanna donate.

https://waystogive.texaschildrens.org/netcommunity/ExtraLIfeSGFundraiser

Beyond (BEYOND!) that their isn't too much else to say. Things are getting shaky for me though. Treading on unsafe ground, that much is certain.

Will do my best to blog more.

Thank you SO much to the people who read this, and even if I don't comment, I'm coming to read yours right now. Promise!

Extra Life

Hello friends.

I guess I'm SLOWLY starting to do these a little more often than I have, and I'll try to keep it up.

Also, not sure if I mentioned this in my last post, but I have been neglectful in reading all of your fine blogs, which I'm also gonna work on. Ever since I got my new computer, it's been a little difficult to keep myself off the games.

So.

I'm not really gonna go into anything personal here. Band is....going. Girl situation is....awesome, although probable that it will lead to disaster. I am...happy. So that's that.

What I do want to mention is an event I'll be "taking part" in this October. It's put on by a website/social community called Sarcastic Gamer, and is a fundraiser to battle pediatric cancer. Gamers from all across the world will join together to game for a 24 hour marathon on October 17th at 8AM till the 18th at 8AM. 

Last year, after only a few months of planning, more than $120,000 was raised so I'm sure this year will be even greater. I pretty much just need to find 4 sponsers, willing to donate 1 dollar for every hour I game on this day. That's only 24 dollars per person. I'm pretty sure I can sponser myself which is good as I don't see anyone paying me to play games for 24 hours straight.

Anyways, for more info about where the money is going and what not you can go HERE. I know none of you reading this are hard core gamers, but maybe it will spark your interest in the event. You can also visit my site for participation at https://waystogive.texaschildrens.org/netcommunity/ExtraLIfeSGFundraiser

I think this is a great thing to do, especially in gaming culture. These are some of the steps that can bring gaming to be more "accepted" by mainstream media, instead of the only headline coverage being the sex scenes from Mass Effect or Grand Theft Auto. 

So yeah, if you read my posts around October time I'll update how much money has been raised and how I personally am doing in getting things together for it.

Until next time..........

Things are....okay.

Wow, I've been having such trouble keeping this updated.

I'm working on it. Busy busy busy.

First. What is better than Paramore + No Doubt? Nothing is what!! I went and saw No doubt on Wednesday night. Paramore and Bedouin Soundclash opened for them, and I must say, this is the best concert I have EVER seen. No Doubt put on the most fantastic show. I wish I could begin to describe all the awesomeness that was that show, but I'm not even going to attempt it. My advice to you.  Go see them if you get the chance. 

Hmmmm.....band? Well, we play at the Ride for CrisQo tommorrow evening, and I am fucking excited. Not only is it gonna be a good show, but it's a memorial for Richard, so of course will be a great event. Can't wait to see Nate and all the guys again and watch them skate it up.  I still have this feeling that music is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, but jamming and playing shows is one of the most amazing things I've experienced. Just making people happy with your music is a very enthralling thing.

Also, I may be starting a new blog sometime in the near future. One a lot less personal. It will focus on aspects of the game industry that fascinate me. Things such as immersion in games, sex and violence in games and how it affects people, censorship in games and of course the age old (Gaming is still young. ? ) "Are video games art?" debate, which I have touched on slightly in this blog. This stuff really intrigues me as a person. So keep an eye out for that if any of you may be interested. And even if you aren't, come critique my writing. That was a seg way.

Into.....what I actually DO wanna do with my life. Writing. I know I wanna write, but their are a few things that trouble me when deciding on whether or not this is the path I wanna take. First off, I haven't been to school in 5 fucking years. Haven't even finished COMM 11. I really think my vocabulary and knowledge of writing has really started to fade from my brain over the years. I'm gonna go back and do it all, and that is step 1, but it is very discouraging. So school is my plan. I wanna graduate with my at least English 12 and a Math 12. Physics would be preferred. And then, go to university for either Journalism or English. So that's my long away goal as of now. This new blog will be me practicing that. And considering I know nothing of actual writing style or professionalism, it won't be starting out good. Most likely, horrible. So even if your not into gaming I know a lot (a lot don't read this, hah) of you are taking writing courses so feel free to be down right cruel in the comments so I can maybe learn a thing or two until I get back into school. 

ANYWAYS, that's what is new with me.

Girl issues are still burdening me, which I will only say one thing about in this entry, as I'm trying to stop with the relationship venting.

I think it is very unfortunate that I have to base my decisions on what society deems as being appropriate.

Enough said.

I miss my mom, dearly.

I miss Korrina, I LOVE YOU!

And of course, Richard, you were a great friend to me, and will never be forgotten. Tommorrow, we celebrate your life, and all the amazing things you have brought into ours. And what better way than with a punk rock show and some competitive skateboarding, eh buddy?! I love you.

.................................out.

Ugh....

Hey guys.

So I bought a new car a few days ago. Or, my dad bought it for me, putting me even deeper in debt. Bought Ryan's old car (You know it well Meghan, :P). It's a damn good car for what I paid. Has taken me to cranbrook and back quite a few times now. Hopefully it lasts me awhile.

I'm in a seriously bad and yet creative mood at the moment. I feel like singing, writing some guitar. But considering I have never sang before let alone write a song, not sure how well it will go. Might not tackle that today.

Trying to think of things to blog about other than the girl I'm "involved" with but it's proving to be quite difficult, so here we are again.

I am seriously, seriously not putting myself in a good position with this whole thing. I'm totally addicted to going and seeing her, and I know it's just bad for me. This distance thing DOES NOT WORK, and I do not recommend it to anyone. No matter how hard I try to just enjoy things how they are, my time with her as it is, I can't help but constantly wish I was with here, and not being my usual happy self when I'm not. I just got payed today, and was about to spend my last 30 dollars to go see her. I got to Fairmont and had to come back. I know it was a smarter choice, but the decision kills me. Not only that but I promised her I would come. Not like she is mad, or she doesn't seem to be, which could mean anything I suppose. It would be so much more convenient if I could meet a girl like this in this town, but I have a feeling I wont meet a girl this amazing for a very long time. I've been without a steady girlfriend for way too damn long. I am sick of being single.

I'll survive.

Things are going fairly well other than that, as much as that says. Get my new computer in the next few weeks. I really really really do love my parents. They have been so damn good to me throughout the years. My dad has put up with so much shit with me in the last year and yet he still will help me do whatever it takes to make sure I'm okay. I miss my Mom though. I'm counting down the days when I can just sit on that balcony in California, overlooking the San Fran bay and just sip daquiri's and chat with her. It can't come soon enough. 

On another note, I wanna leave this fucking town. So bad. I love it here, and am really starting to love all the people I'm meeting and spending all my time with. But I need a city. I need San Fran. I need Vancouver. I need culture. I need music. I need a scene. I need change. I think I'm really gonna enjoy my summer here though. I'm also losing passion for the band. I don't have much desire anymore. It may be due to spending all my mental energy on this girl, but I just don't feel it. I wanna drum though, more than anything. I need my kit back from the jam space.

And most of all, I need Korri. I wish she was here. I need one of her hugs. I need her stories. I wanna hear all her adventures leaving to the city. I can't wait to see her this month (is it this month? I hope so). Soon. Soon. Soon.

Also. WTF is with that New Moon trailer. Bella and Edward seem to have that horribly portrayed connection that they had in Twilight. And as much as I loved the CG in Golden Compass those shitty ass "were-wolvcs" just didn't do it for me. I still will love it, and will find it amazing as I did Twilight, but really? Plus Taylor looks SO fucking dope, I think he can easily steal some of Rob's thunder.

Anyways, I LOVE YOU ALL, I LOVE THE WORLD, AND....FUCK!

And Korri, HURRY UP AND COME HUG ME PLEASE!!!

R.I.P. Roxy

Hey guys!

First of, let me apologize for my denial of my blog in the last few months. Not like I have a large fanbase that will petition against me for it or anything, more of an apology to myself for neglecting it.

Your in for a long one.

First off, I'm dropping my title format, as I find it is too much work to find random words that relate to the post and find definitions for them.

Second, this entry I dedicate to my car, my automotive love. My first true mode of vehicular transport that has brought me and many other people before me so many great times. I pass this onto you, like it isn't obvious at all, but I advise you to NOT EVER let anyone drive your car, especially while heavily inebriated(sp?). Smashed tail light, and although the attempt has been made to fix it, the great morale body that is our RCMP may not approve of the job. Nonetheless, I need a new car. So RIP to my car, who I shall call Roxy. You will always be my first love.

Now what have I been doing this whole time? Alot. And by alot, I mean alot of drama, alot of emotional fluxuations, alot of unwise decisions, and alot of great, great times. 

The band has been rolling along very smoothly. Played a show in Cranbrook a few weeks ago and it went very well. Not the biggest crowd, but those who came had enough energy to fuel the show. It was a great experience playing out of town, and hopefully it happens some more in the future.

Next, I believe I may be getting a reputation for hanging out with girls that I are deemed inappropriate ages to be hanging out with. This also includes sexual relations which may be frowned upon by some. I do not agree with out legal and morale system regarding these things (maybe I should), so I do not feel bad for any of the choices I've made. 

Girls a few years younger than me are MUCH MUCH more fun to hang around then anyone I know my age these days, and I see nothing wrong with that at all. Liquor also plays a part in these unwise decisions of course, but I carry no shame or regret for anything that I have done. In every case(almost), it has strengthened my friendship with this individuals, which leads me to my main reason for writing this entry.

Relationship problems.

So you may remember ( which you all should, cause I expect you to be religiously studying my old posts while waiting for a new one, hah) the girl I talked about in my last post. The one who I was heavily falling for? Well that's all back.

I saw her at the show, and it was amazing. We cuddled and talked, and once again I felt something so foreign to me. We hung out a few days later and it was so even more amazing, I can't even begin to describe it. Maybe it's been a while since I've been in a relationship, but I can't remember a time when I've felt so happy and attracted to someone, if I ever have been. We had a great night and everything went perfect. Then I had to leave. This is what is killing me. I don't think I was prepared for how much I would like this girl, and being away from her leaves me with this hole in my stomach I was not expecting to be so prominant. This all sounds very juvenile, as I've said before, but I can't help how it affects me. Not to mention this date we got alot closer. Alot more talking, alot more open talking. I have already mentioned in my post all the things that make this girl amazing to me. Her open-mindedness, her creativity, ect. But I have never felt so comfortable. To note, things have gotten to a slightly sexual point, which I won't get into detail, which may have contributed to how much closer I feel to her(not to say for a second this has much to do with sex, but un-avoidable). She has pushed my comfort level many times, and yet, not for a second do I feel akward. It's just...intense. She obviously has had different sexual experiences than me, and I am fascinated by it. Her candid way of thinking goes right over to her thoughts on sex. I really feel like it's helping me become more confident in myself just as a person.

So that sounds great and all, but no. I'm not sure if this distance thing will work. I think I could handle it, with difficulty mind you, but not sure what her take on it is. Things go well that night, then we start texting in the morning, and she seems quiet and dismissive. Maybe has something to do with mood, or IDK. I know she has other guys going on her life, and I'm not sure what to think of that. I don't feel like she should be commited to me in any sense, just wondering how that comes into things. 

I haven't had the best few days anyways. I wish this would just...work. I feel much better now, and until I see her again I'm just gonna indulge in the wonderous art that are my video games. 

I've also been cutting down on the drinking. I feel like getting slammed would help my mood, which it would, but I'm just so sick of it. Until my birthday next week, I'm just gonna take it easy, and keep it up after too. Feels nice to have a clear head.

Sooooooo, as it's all girls that read this. Any thoughts? I realize I am young and maybe shouldn't take this all so seriously, but hey, that's how we learn.

For now, I will leave you with this. I feel much lighter writing this, and expect alot more entries from me...hopefully.

"Don't let them say you ain't beautiful. They can all get fucked just stay true to you" Eminem - Beautiful.